Be You
I always wanted to be so many things. I always tried to be so many things: An artist, a singer, a dancer, an actress, and then a model. I always felt that to be somebody, I had to ‘be’ somebody. Do it exactly how someone else was doing it, so I could have it like someone else did.
And here is how it worked out, I flipped…kept on flipping. From one role model to another. I wasted so much time trying to be somebody, I never knew what being ‘me’ felt like. And each failure I experienced hurt more than the previous one. So I stopped even trying. Instead, I found who to play the blame game with: God, My parents.
I mean, I wouldn’t have gone through all that if I was talented right? I was on the bad end of the bargain. I was too impatient to be an artist, too tone deaf to be a singer, too stiff to be a dancer, and then, the apparently easiest one I could be was staring right in my face, and I was too damn short to grab it. I blamed God for the first four, and then I blamed my parents for the last (I am 5’5, and an inch shorter than both my parents).
Fortunately, that too didn’t last long as I got to realize that cause could never change effect. There was nothing I could do change any of that. I couldn’t alter my traits. If changing me was so far beyond my control, then why stress it? No matter the façade I put up outside, I’d still have to take it all off when I got inside.
So accepting that, I became more open.
Just because I wasn’t an artist, didn’t mean I couldn’t sketch on my notebook. Just because I vocally murdered a song, and could probably get arrested by the artiste if I was caught singing, didn’t mean I couldn’t blare my speakers and sing at the top of my voice. Well, acting, it’s still a no-no, but at least I appreciate actors more. And modeling? er, I’ve got a camera phone.
I am me because I have accepted myself. I know I might suck at a lot of things but that doesn’t mean that I suck at everything.
And in that vein, I did find what I enjoyed doing. Reading. And late last year, I started writing: novellas, short stories, one of which was recently published in an online magazine, some of which are scattered over various websites of the World Wide Web. And most recently, I opened a book blog, where I want to write book reviews, short stories, and rant about reading (I’ll be doing some of these here too).
Once in a while, I fall into that deep hole of despair when things don’t happen like I want them to. But here’s something I wrote, one of which helps me (music is another way), slowly but eventually. I call it depression waver, and hopefully, it’ll touch you in the little way it did/does me.
Ever wondered why bad things happen to good people. Or how the worst scenarios could spurn from the best intentions? Ever wondered why sometimes, good things happen in threes and other times, the reverse is the case. Ever found yourself in a situation where there isn’t even a devil, much more the red sea. Everywhere just seems to lead to nowhere, rendering all of your actions void. What do you do then, cry or even laugh? Do you give up, mainly because you’re tired as is typical human nature, or do you dig deep into the ground hoping you can crawl your way out from the vast deceptiveness.
Perhaps humor the human in you and cry out for the utmost sake of seeming helplessness, but don’t stay on the ground for too long, get up, maneuver, and find a new path to your goal. It doesn’t have to be in the same direction you started when you began. Whatever you do, keep moving.
When life places obstacles in your way, gird up, sport up and jump your way through, turn your obstacles into an obstacle course and win your way through.
Bad things happen to good people, bad things happen to bad people too. It's life. Don’t succumb to defeat, life is only what you make out of it. It’s a give and take, but be sure to have more than enough in store, so when it takes you wouldn’t be left empty. Take advantage of the best, be ready for the worst.
