Hello Steemit! I am stoked to finally be here talking with possibly the coolest people on the internet. I am 21 year old kid with a degree in Finance & Economics and I LOVE CRYPTOCURRENCY! I currently hold Bitcoin, Ether, Dash, Litecoin, and now I guess Steem! I am searching for jobs dealing with the finance/economics side of bitcoin (or any altcoin), but for now I work at a welding shop where I have worked for the passed few years to pay for college. I spunky, energetic, and might I say SEXY!
ANYWAYS! I am writing this letter because I want people to know how it feels to live with anxiety and panic disorders. I am not open with this and many of my closest friends don't know I suffer, but I have decided to come out! I wanted to share my first panic attack and how my daily life is compared to a "normal" person. I also want to talk about how you can help others who live with this disorder. I feel as though this is a mental illness that most people brush aside and say "Oh they are just shy" or "It's all in your head, just don't think about it". Furthermore many people claim they have "social anxiety", I hear it all the time. Frankly it bugs me, because it has become a sort of popular thing now, and yet people don't actually know what real anxiety is. Well I am here to explain why it is a serious disorder.
Ok, Here goes nothing. (Is what I say but inside its more like HERE GOES EVERY FUCKING THING I GOT).
Listening to the professor lecture from the back of the room, I sat eagerly with my hand outstretched, waving it impatiently. I had been going to this class for a few months and the semester was nearing an end. I had friends in the class and was close with my professor. I had always felt calm and comfortable in this room, in this seat, at this school. The lecture dealt with families' emotional dynamics. He was speaking as if everyone fit this family and claiming that fathers' teach their sons to hide and bury their emotions. This was not the case, at least my childhood differed. I was always taught emotions are precious and should be listened to and understood. My father, a hard working man with calloused hands and a scruffy beard, had taught me this. Contradictory to his appearance, he had a warm and gentle personality and loved endlessly. We have laughed, screamed, and cried together throughout my life. So anyways, the professor called on me and I began to explain the aforementioned exception to this textbook family dynamic. With one fateful tick on the clock I could not breath, instantly I got hot and clammy, I could not speak as if I had gone mute, The room began to spin, and I honestly though I was dying. Everyone was turned around looking at me and I sat their unable to talk, eyes darting back and forth, my hands were shaking uncontrollably as if I had a sudden burst of Parkinsons. At that moment I wanted to die, I wanted to suddenly disappear, to crawl under the professors desk and stay their until everyone had left. The next tick on the clock brought me back to reality except I had the gift of a pretty intense adrenaline rush. I finished off my comment with "Ya.. umm.. so it's different for me... sorry". My voice trembling while attempting to get those few words out. Why had i apologized? Did I have like a damn heart attack or something? What the hell was that? All of these questions and more were rushing through my head as I could not come to grips with reality. About 20 minutes later class was over and I rushed out to my car still vibrating with adrenaline. This was my first panic attack.
This experience scared the shit out of me. I made an appointment with my doctor to figure out what had happened. In the mean time I skipped all of my classes, canceled all of my coffee dates with friends, quit my job and did not even leave the house. I was too scared. Anytime I would go to do something I would get tunnel vision and sweaty and fall into that same abyss I had experienced in the class.
After I talked to my doctor I learned what had happened, however I chose not to medicate for a multitude of reasons including side affects, cost, and just that I rarely ever use medicine. I dont like putting shit in my body that I have no idea what is in it. YES I am libertarian however I am not a conspiracy theorist so I am not against taking medicine, but for me I try not to.
Anyways anxiety affects nearly every aspect of my daily life. I use meditation and relaxation techniques to calm me down but sometimes it is not enough. So taking a basic example of going to the coffee shop, a normal and boring routine for most people, can be terrifying. While driving there I constantly think of what ifs like car wrecks, running out of gas, car breaking down, etc. When I walk in it feels as though all eyes are on me, I get tunnel vision, shortened breath, and get clammy. It sucks. When I order I almost always just get black coffee, because it is the easiest and quickest thing to order. What if my card was declined? It never has been because I always check my account (coinbase/shift card) like 10 times before I order because what if bitcoin crashed a second ago or my account has been hacked?? When I wait for them to call my name out I think of so many what ifs that are completely ridiculous. What if someone else has the same name and take it instead of me, what if people think my name is weird, what if i spill my coffee??? I'd rather not keep typing because I think you get the idea. The most meaningless tasks are mountains for someone with anxiety and panic disorders to handle. Days are plagued with ridiculous what ifs, reality bending scenarios I have created, and more than enough adrenaline rushed to last a lifetime.
The worst things you can say to people who struggle with anxiety is:
"Its all in your head" - NO SHIT SHERLOCK IT IS A MENTAL ILLNESS.
"Just stop thinking about things" - OH WHAT A NOVEL FUCKING IDEA. If i could I would.
"Dude just relax, everything is fine" - FOR YOU IT IS BUT IM FREAKING THE FUCK OUT ON THE INSIDE!
There are many more of these comments I hear all of the time but that's not the point. These comments don't make me angry, they make me sad. I feel utterly helpless when someone says these things. It shoves me into a depression. Its something that takes a lot of time and hard work just to be able to cope with. It's not this magic switch that I can turn off. I have sat in my room and cried for hours on end because of this illness. I have felt so helpless that I have contemplated suicide. So what I am hear to tell you is not to be a dick. Love people with all of their imperfections, because imperfections are what make a person perfect. Don't comment on something you don't understand, don't judge others for something they can't control, and don't pretend that their struggles aren't anything big. The point is just be loving.
I am doing a lot better now as I have had a few years to work this out, but I still have many what ifs, panic attacks, and depressive mood swings. However I have learned to love myself for this.
So steemit, there is a quick intro to me and a quick picture of what a panic attack is like and a day with anxiety. I am stoked to be apart of this community.
Thanks for reading!!!