This is me, but what if we draw ourselves as a landscape?
An introspective journey to the bottom and the confines of ... Yourself. It sounds easy? Yes. It is? Hell no. And the answer is more than clear. Travel through yourself without covering with a finger the things you don’t want to see. Recognize all your landscapes with hills and cliffs while describing what you think would not be a good idea to share. Walk on the paths you almost never choose, those that terrorizes you and you evade as many times as you can. Stand in front of those shadows that you have not let into the light, shadows that makes you slave and ask to be released.
If you take this trip, recreate your life, your brain, and your heart as if it were a landscape. Do it honestly. Without lying or beautifying what you should not. Be realistic and paint as it is. It’s only you watching it. Do it, and then ... How nice is it? There begins the fear. But you are a coward if you turn around and do not dare to walk through your own landscape. Through you! And of course you are a failure if the representation of your interior appears in front of you like the hills where the Teletubbies lived: All light, flowers, green, blue sky and happiness. Nothing is ever just light. If there is light, there is darkness.
Btw, I am afraid of the dark. I’ts one of those fears that suggest and takes the worst part of your brain. Many nights I can’t sleep, in fact, I don’t sleep in total darkness, I always leave the light of my bathroom on. And when I say always, it's ALWAYS. So I don’t love my planet? I swear I tried to make myself sleep in the dark and those nights were dreadful. My monsters took over my hyperactive brain and well, the planet went into the background. Sometimes that bathroom light does not comfort me. I don’t think that behavior is normal, but guess what? I am 26 years old. If I haven’t been able to overcome it yet, I don’t think it will happen later.
A mockery and a complete contradiction to my scorching and warlike zodiacal sign, Aries. Yes, I am Aries. I was born a 13th and all those who consider that it is a bad number, can put the head inside the ass of a donkey. I also like number 3. Anything that has number 3 catches my attention for some crazy reason. 80% of the time I see the time, the minute hand marks 33. I just wrote a lie because I don’t know how to read the time on classic watches. But it’s for sure that almost always they show 33 minutes. That scares me too because, what the hell ?! Will I die at that hour? I don’t know what to think. It makes me lazy to think.
I get lazy about many things. A lot of things! To make the bed. Cooking. To pick up the house phone when it rings and there's no one else there. To talk. Bathing my dogs. Climbing stairs. Paying attention. Doing favors. Giving explanations. Arguing. Changing the channel when I can’t find the remote. Studying. Lifting the pants I remove from the floor. And I can continue here, but it has already made me lazy and I definitely have to clarify that several of the things I mentioned, yes I do them, but requires special cases to do them and I also clarify that I’m not depressed or anything like that.
I'm normal. I'm a 5' 6'' thin brunette with dark hair by the waist. Dark eyes. Curves where they have to be, more accentuated in some parts than in others ... Let's say God was very generous with my hips, my booty and my legs. If you ask someone who knows me if I'm pretty, they'll probably tell you I do. And maybe they will exaggerate and say that I'm beautiful and I have a beautiful smile that gives warmth. It depends on who it is. I've never seen myself that way, but it's the opinion of someone who sees you from the outside so ... Duh, nope. Not even that way. I'm just me.
I don't get along with compliments. They bother me to death. It gets worse if they lean toward the physical. If you intend to approach me by saying that I am "beautiful" I will lower a curtain of indifference between you and me. I will subtly make sure the conversation does not last long, or you practically will be making a monologue. I can give you the most charming smile in the world on the outside, but if you dislike me - for wathever the reason is - in my brain you are not worth it. And trust me when I tell you that you will not notice. Hypocrisy? No. I am not a hypocrite, because hiding that I don’t tolerate someone is just for limited periods of time.
If I like you, you will notice and I will notice. And not many people really like me. Maybe that's why I do not have many friends. Sometimes I hate people. I prefer to be alone most of the time than being surrounded by people. That's why I prefer a book. Many times you will find me reading in a public place with people around me talking about any superficiality, or not. Maybe the subject interests me, but I will always prefer the book. I can read 4 books in 2 days. I read fast, I laugh, I cry and I treasure every line. Book after book. That's why I bet more on my personality than on what they see from the outside.
Actually, I'd rather bet my personality. I am all laughs, gestures, observation, analysis, intuition and curiosity. I’m irremediably histrionic and that is my natural state. I don’t think I can utter a sentence without making a weird face. The day you see me telling a story you will surely laugh. I ‘m restless to the point that sometimes I ‘m not ok at any place. Especially those places where you have to stay in one place, without talking or moving a lot, such as churches, waiting rooms, classrooms. Many times I get annoyed with myself for being this way, but I forget it later. Sometimes I’m eschatological. I love asking - and being asked - and even better if the questions are interesting. I studied journalism, duh.
I like interesting minds and personalities, people with a certain halo of mystery, people that surprise me. People who get to know me. Cool, intellectual and creative people. The people who can effectively maintain a conversation with fluency and above all - very important - people who manage to keep me interested. And I don’t know why I keep writing "people" when I’m aware that “people” is a very large plural for how unusual is to meet a person like that. They exist. Thanks to heaven and to all the celestial court of the universe that they exist. My friends are like that. They are from my pile. I recognize those in my pile almost immediately. I hold these people close because they are like invaluable relics. These people should multiply in excess and repopulate the planet. It's amazing how many dumb people walk on the earth today. Sometimes I wish I had been born in another age.
Distracting me is easy but not impress me. I'm not often impressed because not many things surprise me. I get bored quickly - ask my ex boyfriends- and that’s very Aries. I hate routine and repeat situations. It's my kryptonite. Emily’s version of dying slowly would be that; The evil monotony. I ‘m the "today I want something, tomorrow not" type and that is in every aspect of my life. No, I'm not bipolar. I hate that word and how they used it. I’m a roller coaster of desires and ideas that collide and make me readjust the course too many times. That's one of the things I hate about me. A part from not being able to say NO. It costs me a lot and brings me problems and unnecessary inconveniences.
The person who decides to spend the rest of his life with me has to accept that. My constant changes, my indisputable freedom, my anxious and curious personality, my questions, my desire to be alone and find myself, my occasional dramas, my natural ability to socialize - if you do not like these defects, I have more - my irrevocable decision to call April to my first daughter ... Which reminds me that I don’t get along with the kids. My patience does not cover that and as simple as I don’t tolerate them. Cry, snot, hyperactivity, broken objects, kicking ... I think that the day I become a mother I will experience a galactic transformation.
I don’t tolerate most salads or tight clothing. I love Oreos with milk. Milk is my delirium. I can accompany any food with a glass of milk. Even with the Chinese food, it’s excellent. I never drink the last of my drinks and that is one of my mysteries. Any glass left in the house with one or two fingers of liquid was mine. I don’t have very good eating habits but I’m always in constant struggle to correct it. Yeah, I tell lies.
I'm sentimental and very passionate. Full of feelings and sensitivity. I love my family but I don't tell them much, expressing such things is not my forte. To write them, yes. I started writing two stories years ago but never finished I, leaved them behind in one of those typical stages of change. But not everything is change in me, there are things that are inevitably constant in my life, like Daft Punk, Linkin Park, to sleep on the side, allergies, the fear of what I do not know, not deciding fast ...
I am undecided. It takes me a lot longer than other people to decide something, and when I think I already have it, I change my mind again. Another maddening thing. I won’t be able to marry a man who is just like me in that sense. Surely we will fail together if he is. I will need someone to make me take a step decidedly and safely. I could not stand a dramatic man. I’m sensitive but strong. I’m undecided but sure. I'm sentimental but I don’t like cheesy. The things that means something to me, definitely have nothing to do with money. I like to pay my things, I can open the doors myself, put on my coat, remove the chair ... you got it, right? I could not stand a man who would surrender to my feet and become manipulative. How boring. Manipulating is easy for me. I always like to go one step ahead of people. It's natural.
I have an ability to see beautiful things where there are none. That's what I like about myself. From every situation I get something positive because there is always something positive, it doesn't matter if everything is falling apart. I'm not picky but also not conformist. I don’t like to judge, or at least I avoid that. I give myself quite intensely to the people I love, I give everything but I return complete as well. I'm a trustful person. I'm not spiteful or malicious. Many times you will think that I’m innocent, and I am in many ways, but those who underestimate me will surely get surprised later. I live in my world and as I am, I see it. If you want to peek a little ... Look me in the eyes. If you read them well, you will find much of me there.
I'm very feminine, but sometimes I think I carry a man inside. Rough and sour if you push my red button, but charming and even sweet if you control my storms. I identify with the cheetah a lot. The cheetah females takes care of everything. Food, puppies, security, surviving, educating, loving and caring. They are fierce, rude and full of strength. But that does not take away how undeniably beautiful and elegant they are. Not to mention his dexterity and intelligence. It's my favorite animal. I actually love cats, but Cheetah is definitely from my pile.
Reggaeton is not from my pile. I deeply hate lyrics that says NOTHING. Sex, sex, sex, sweat, insults, infidel women, horny men and another endless irrelevances that are the topics that ovate the lyrics of the songs in this disastrous generation. The real music is in danger of extinction. Tasteful people are in danger of extinction. On the other hand, I only listen to music in English. My iTunes library confirms this. I speak English. I think in English and speak myself better in English. (and I write this because I’m latin)
I express myself billions of times better in English than in Spanish - by that I mean that I'm much more direct and honest. I was born in Venezuela, Nueva Esparta. I was raised the first years of my life surrounded by chickens, ducks, mangoes, earth, sun and fish, lots of fish. They pulled me out of my island when I was 6 years old and then Caracas welcomed me. Ten years in the uncontrollable city made me forget my roots. I don’t like chickens or ducks. At all. The mango is no longer my delirium, I don’t like fish that much. I do not get along with nature or the outdoors and sometimes I want to change that, but how difficult it is! Just as I cannot change my atrocious fear of spiders of any kind or roller coasters. I suffer from dizziness.
I'm fascinated by animals in general, but they can catch the damn spiders and burn them all. All the spiders in the fucking world, that would make me happy. Dogs and cats are a weakness for me, especially those I see in the streets, malnourished, hungry and fighting for their lives, surrounded by indifference and ill-treatment. My heart cannot stand animal abuse of any kind. I would say if one day I have enough money I would open a huge foundation for animal care, and dogs and cats would be protagonists. Why not dedicate myself to children with cancer or similar causes? There are already plenty of people dealing with that and, yes, it will never be enough people on that causes, but that is what I would do. Selfish? Yes. I have already been told that and I will not deny it either.
I bite my nails once in a while, and also my lips. I’m very good at cursing when the situation warrants it. All of that horrible and very improper habits for a lady ... But I know how to behave. To act, to pretend and to deceive I do it almost with naturalness. You will never know what I really think, unless I want it to be, so when I allow that, you have me, like, you seriously have me.
Do you like my landscape? I invite you to draw your own!
And remember, don't be afraid of your ugly parts.