I grew up going to a summer camp in the mountains in Colorado. I wrote about the experience in a previous article, and about how my experience there had a profound impact on my life. But, not all of that impact was positive.
I started working at that same summer camp as a counselor when I was 16, and again when I was 17. I was a "late bloomer," and hadn't even kissed someone for the first time until I thought I was ready, which was in my 17th year. While working at the camp, I met a young man named Joseph (name changed for security purposes). We started flirting and having fun together, and I was smitten. At night we would cuddle in blankets under the stars and joke with each other. He was the first person to make out with me, and I was very vocal about my inexperience, asking him how to do certain things. I was a virgin. He was 24 years old.
At the end of our work season, we celebrated at a friend's house with drinks. Joseph and I laid and cuddled on the couch, when he asked to have sex with me. I told him no. Not here. Not with our friends around. It didn't feel right.
The next day, we celebrated and partied again at the same house. This time, Joseph and I laid in the pool room on a blanket. He asked again if he could have sex with me. Again, I told him I felt uncomfortable with it. And we fell asleep...
I woke up when he suddenly penetrated me from behind. I have never felt more pain than in that moment. I opened my mouth, about the scream, and he clasped his hand over my mouth telling me to be quiet. I felt tears roll down my cheeks and onto his hand. It lasted about 3 minutes. When he was done, he rolled over and fell asleep. When I woke up the next morning, our friend's blanket was covered in blood. I remember feeling really guilty about making our friend's blanket dirty. I didn't tell anyone. For 5 years.
Having had this violent, painful, and awful experience with someone I trusted, it actually irks me when women label some unwanted actions of men as sexual assault or rape. Some are warranted and make sense. Like last month when a group of 5 men asked me if I have ever been gang raped when I smiled and said hello passing them on the street.
Then, there are "micro aggressions" It bothers me when women get caught up on "micro aggressions" and call it sexual assault. And I am in no means perfect. One time I went off on an older man at a bar who told my boyfriend that he liked my dress but he didn't like my socks and shoe combination. On one hand, unnecessary to say. On the other hand, my socks and shoes did look horrible together and even I knew it.
I feel that my own story is lost in a confusing soup of women being mad about unwanted interactions that don't even include sexual behavior or physicality. Or women being mad about men just trying to have a genuine interaction with them. Some examples include mansplaining, man spreading, women getting angry at men telling them to smile, etc... A great example of this is the "Hugh Mungus" fiasco, where a man's innocent joke about his own round gut is misconstrued and he is labelled a "disgusting sexist pig." If you haven't seen this video, here it is.
When women have been raped, it is easy to take out the anger on innocent men who happen to be bystanders in our process of healing. My boyfriend knows all too well when I accuse him of "mansplaining" only to realize that people accidentally talk over each other all the time and it isn't a direct attack against all of womankind if he interrupts me.
What bothers me is when women get stuck in defensive mode and believe there is no way out of the patriarchy other than public ridicule, calling out these "micro aggressions" with brute force, and sometimes outright fabrications and lies. If we keep getting so angry about the little things that make us mad and spend all of our time explaining and defending every small insecurity and negative reaction, then when will we find the time and energy to face the really big issues of sexism and rape in our selves and our society?
When it comes to the Me Too Campaign, I know in my heart that some of these stories are true and I in no way disregard experiences of sexual advances by employers, rape, and nasty sexual comments. That being said, I believe that some women are embarrassed of the times they slept with or flirted with someone and it was consensual at the time. I think they look back at these times with a new lens of smash the patriarchy feminism and see it as an opportunity to play the role of victim. I also think women who did this were most likely assaulted at some point in their lives, and are taking out their anger on the closest person or situation, rather than dealing with the root cause of pain. I say this only because I did that subconsciously for years. With all of these new accounts of "sexual misconduct" "sexual assault" and "inappropriate sexual behavior" coming out against celebrities, I guarantee some of these instances are either lies or misinterpreted flirtations.
As a woman who was raped it makes me sad that women can be so angry about the littlest things, myself included. I think it's our job to learn to recognize the difference in intention, set and setting, and learn how to forgive. I hope that the women who have misjudged these men's actions recognize their part in all of this. I honor and respect the women with genuine stories to tell and I wish you well in our long healing journey. I also respect these men who, when accused of sexual assault, have the grace to say they are sorry for any actions that made women feel uncomfortable, even if they know that they did not assault anyone.
We all have to move forward in this together. I hope we can ALL find the strength to face our demons and learn about ourselves, our intentions, our reactions, and our fears. I hope that we can find the strength to vocalize them. And I hope that I can find the patience and understanding to smile if a man sees I am visibly upset and tells me to smile, or to say hello to a man if he says hello to me. As long as I feel safe.
At the end of the day, we are just social animals trying to survive and thrive and interact with each other. I for one don't want to get so caught up on the little things that annoy me anymore.