"Having depression in my late twenties lasted for over two years. I sent my son and daughter to live with their father as I didn’t want them to see me in that condition. I was on my own muted and secluded during those lonely days and nights and when I did speak, I knew what I heard and was thinking was not translating in my words and actions. For a short time during those tumultuous years, I spent a few weeks living with my mother. My uncle, my father’s youngest brother on the off chance came to see me but he wasn’t aware of my condition. He looked at me and with tears in his eyes said I needed to be with my mum.
He said I was in a bad way and I shouldn’t be on my own. I didn’t know what I looked like, I hadn’t looked in a mirror for months, but I knew the clothes I used to wear didn’t fit me anymore. I knew when I spoke I was incoherent, so rather than protest, I went along with his plans. My mother lived miles away, I wasn’t sure whether she knew I was unwell or not, but I knew from the expression on my uncle’s face this was serious. He said he would pay for a taxi to take me there, he helped me gather a few things and put in a couple of suitcases, we waited while he questioned the family’s motives and their lack of support.
The drive to my mother’s house was long and frustrating, huddled lying down on the backseat I'd closed my eyes not wanting to look out the window for fear that someone would see me. I didn’t speak to the driver either, he tried to engage me in conversation but eventually gave up when I didn’t respond to his attempts at humour. How could he know I was in the throes of deep depression unable to comprehend the outside world. The reality and gravity of the thoughts that tormented me constantly and relentlessly, he wouldn’t even begin to understand how I was feeling.
I can’t tell you how long it took to get to my mother’s house, but when I got there I literally bundled out the taxi barely able to stand. Not knowing if anyone was going to be in, I slowly walked up to the front door and pushed the bell for what seemed like ages. As the door opened, I fell into my mother’s arms, I didn’t see her face but could hear her voice..."oh my God, what happened to you.” Cherry, my younger sister was suddenly at my side trying to hold me up, they were exchanging words that I didn’t understand. I was carried to the living room and placed lying down on the sofa, I thought I was dying. A feeling of the lies, deceit and betrayal washed over me but disappeared, because I passed out." Nothing could prepare me for what was to come next, my mother's betrayal at a time when I needed her the most.
All 7 excerpts taken from the book 'The stone the builder rejected' by J J Law will be posted on a daily basis with the first instalment posted here on Steemit on 5th February 2018. Stay tuned for events that will cause you to question family relationships, and the tie that bonds mother and child.
