Before beginning my story I wanna let you know that I ´ll be as open and truly as one may imagine.
I am usually a really open person. I enjoy sharing my experiences. And I find no inconveniences in telling friends or strangers how I´ve become who I am right now. I know some things are difficult to say and even, sometimes, much harder to hear. However, I enjoy making the effort to overpass my own boundaries, and on that way making it possible to learn from my own mistakes and, if possible, open a way for other people´s learning. Secondly, I would like to apology for my English, I am not a native speaker. I know that there may be better ways to say some stuff I say here. It is not my intention to sound rude or arrogant. I promise you that I am tarrying my best to communicate myself in this language. To finish this part I would like to thanks 
I hope I´ve got the idea, Jerry!
I will share the link of his video at the end of the post, because when I put it on just here, my post takes his face as the cover photo, and
Ok. Here it comes the letting you all getting to know me. The begging may seem to you a little boring but keep reading a little bit, for it gets juicy.
Hi steemit community! My name is Indira Carú, I´m 28 years old and I´m from Venezuela. I was born in a place named Guacara, which is located in Carabobo city, but I´ve been living all my life in Mérida city. I study Modern languages at Universidad de Los Andes (although I have decided to pause this studies for a while). This Monday 15th of October, I started studying computer science, I´ve decided this thinking on a way to improve my personal situation inside the economical and institutional crisis my country goes through nowadays.
This is me right now, so dont be afraid of that what I share here, for everything has come together :) (sorry for the mirrow-shaped pictures. I have just on camara, and it is that from my computer >.<)
I´m really thrilled with the idea of being able to share all what I´ve written with you all. I´ve been writing since I was a child, but it was in 2013 when I began keeping a journal, and also to be a little more aware about the structure of my writings, as well as, on the topics I wrote about. I write short stories all made up from beginning to bottom, even when they are based on personal experiences. I also enjoy writing truthfully about my life. Some writings are just fragments through which I´ve learned the world, the way it approaches to me. I am fascinated by the sensuality a language offers, by the power of communication, by the deepness we are able to “feather-touch” when we make an effort to intake the nuances an idiom possesses. I´ve participated in just one literary contest, named DAES, in 2012, this contest is offered by the Universidad de Los Andes every year. My short story, Dentro del mundo (inside the world), won the first place. It was very exciting to win, as well as, all the story behind it. Maybe someday I will shared all about it to you all.
Here a pic of my diaries, I have three up to now. The third one is not yet all written
I am still trying to figure out how to share all of what I have written until now, and if God allows it, also all what I will create from now on. What seems interesting to me, from the material I already have, is that it is possible to see the process of becoming aware and mature, a process of self-discovering. While one reads, keeping the time-line of my journals, the experiences I´ve had and the art I was able to create from those, I think, it is possible to observe a personal evolution really enjoyable when reading.
Here a pic of my cat, Tula, for... why not? Tula has been with me for two and a half years now, and in this moment I´m a kitty grandma.
To say it all in here, to explain it all will become an unbearable reading. I could do it during a wine, cigarettes, and chocolate night in which you and me dawn together counting up our wrinkles and times; and I believe that my life will not be enough to tell it out loud and to live it at the same time. Due to this, I will try to introduce what I think was the biggest jump that put me in front of the door that later led me to the beginning of my first colossal spiritual and mental change.
When I was 19 years old (beginning of 2009), after big violent fights with my big bother, my little sister and my father I decided to leave my house. My father has been up to that moment very authoritarian and castrating, and I had developed an abusive personality. Some days after I left home I was already working at a bakery shop, paying my rent and studying medicine (I made only two years of that study). Once I left the environment of my house, in which I had become the worst version of myself, I began meeting people that treat me right and that at the same time I wanted to treat them back the same. I stared to realize that I was a liar, a selfish person, a thief, that I was envious of other´s achievements, and that I was irresponsible. I became aware that I didn´t know what unconditional love was. That I didn´t know what forgiveness or tolerance were. In that time, I met unbelievable enlighten persons, to this time still friends of mine, which were in the same search that I had already started: the self-awareness, as well as, the reconciliation with myself, with my past and with all persons involved in it. Being in contact with this kind of people that wanted to lead their lives through solid honesty and spiritual values helped me changing my personal cosmovision, along with being able to approach myself to some parts of me that up to that moment I didn´t have the possibility to explore. I met a new me. I met a good me, a kind me, an honest me. I saw myself trying to achieve the best version I could be. However, this was my personal way, the way me and my closest friends knew. My family was another issue. They could see an Indira worn-out by the street. To this time I smoked a lot of weed, I drop off medicine, I cut my hair by myself all the time, and I did not much care weather my clothes were old or “ugly”.
*here a pic from when I lived with my parents. * That whas is behind me is a crib. In my country, we bluid it up when Christmas as a tradition. That was in my grandma´s hause. the mom of my dad
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Here a pic from when I was studing Mecine
I used to be a model at that time
and here some pics after leaving my parents´ house, when I began fixing my own hair and changed how I dress up
My way kept filling up with more and more intense experiences and emotions. Rediscover the world! Seeing it with warm hope under my skin! On the other hand, the weed did not help me out. I began feeling more and more overexcited all the time. When I had deep and stimulating conversation I trembled. I looked like a junkie. Everyone that looked at me believed that I was on hardcore drugs, as cocaine, heroin. What can I say? The true is that I just smoked weed. This trembles and overexcited became unbearable to me, so I decided to stop smoking weed. I understood that for making that possible I needed to leave Mérida, my beloved city. I disposed to travel to Caracas, I had met a friend at a Yagé ceremony that had told me to move in with her. In this moment I chose to become clear with my family. I told them that I had dropped off medicine, and that I was leaving Mérida to go living in Caracas. My father told me that instead Caracas I had to go to Guacara, the place I was born in. that my mom, which was living in there, needed me.
Here two pics that I could find from where I was getting closer to the edge.
One of the biggest problems I had, and that I could headed into a good road of forgiveness and comprehension, thanks to all that I was experimenting at that moment, was beginning to forgive my grandfather, the father of my mom, for raping me throughout almost all my childhood. Due to this personal road I had chosen, that of forgiveness; and that my mom was alone in Guacara, close to her family but not having any interaction with them because of all the truth about the abuse I had received from my grandfather had come to light shortly before I left my family´s house; because of all this I chose to go to Guacara. I forgot Caracas. I paid out my room in Mérida and left. I had make it out alive through two years of absolutely freedom in Mérida, the city of creepiness. But I could feel in my bones, I could feel that life was going to pass me the bill for it. And it did!
This is my mom. Who is a beautifull person and taught me by showing it how right, kind, and honest a person can be!
We are here taking a vacation in the most beautiful beach venezuela has. It´s name is Medina Beach, located in Sucre city. look it up! You will want to visit it!
So, I went to Guacara. My parents waited for me at the bus station and… surprise, surprise! My father, did I already mention that my father is a psychiatrist? Well... My father told me that I was insane, that I was sick. I knew that I was too excited to think I was in a normal condition, but I also knew I was not insane nor sick. I had come by myself to the conclusion I needed to stop using drugs, I had meditated and realized I needed a change. Anyway, my father tells me: - you are sick, look at yourself. Look at you!-. I trembled, I could not help it. He asked me: - do you use drugs?-. I had come to the idea that for stopping being a liar I needed to say the true all the time no matter the consequences that saying the true could bring to me. So, I said: - yes, I smoke weed. But I´ve already decided to quit. To that he answered: - look, Indira. I wanna tell you a story and I want you to give me your personal opinion about it-. I remember, as if it was happening in this precise moment, that I thought: that´s it, I´m fucked! He is trying to trick me in a psychiatric trap. I also remember that I thought: fuck it and you all, I’m gonna be honest to the end even if that cost me a ride to the slaughterhouse. And indeed that’s what it cost me to be honest.
here a pic of my dad. our relationship is better now. The truth is that he loves me deeply, and he tries his best all the time. He keeps making mistakes on how to treat me or understand me, even though he does not easily acknowledge that
He told me this story: a family had a problem with one of their own. One of the brothers was bipolar and every time when he went through his depressive phase, he caused big time problems. It was so bad the things he used to do in those phases that all family suffered deeply. They did not know what else they could do with him, how to help him. It became such an issue that even the bipolar guy realized that the situation was too problematic for everyone. Up to this point the bipolar guy talked to his family and asked them to help him kill himself. All family helped him and the guy died. After telling me this he asked: - what do you think about this?-. In that moment I knew, so clear, that I could lie and save myself. I could tell him that what I knew he wanted to hear, that what all his psychiatric books said it was a normal response, or instead I could be myself, I could show him fearless what I was. So, I told him that I understood all that family, and that if were in their shoes probably I would have done the same. His face change, better said, his face was transfigured by my answer. It seemed I would have said that I had killed my sister before coming to Guacara. Then he said: - you need medicine. You are sick-. I remember that he repeated once and again that I was sick. And I also remember that I repeated myself, as a mantra, don’t believe him, don’t believe him.
A pic of my main altar, here at my current home. I believe in God, all of them, that at the end are just One big Being. I believe in the power of prayers. I believe meditate and clearing your mind can save you from suffering
I saw myself in a dead-end street. I told him I accepted the pills. I knew, as clear I know my hands are my hands, that my core nature was untouchable, that what I had achieved during those two years of street could not be taken away from me that easily. And until now not the years, not the wars, not the deaths have been able to do that to me. Well, that was the way I changed speaking about love and honesty in the streets of Mérida to be confine in my parents’ house in Guacara, taking in soothing and antipsychotic pills, while my father kept repeating one thousand times per day I was sick and that when I become ok I will not write a word. That you are not a writter. Look at you! You act as a manic when wrtting all day long! That watching me writing was proof enough to say I was in a metal disequilibrium. What about that? How much can a person that thinks knows you hurt you? And when they try to fit you by force into that shape they have made to you inside their heads, how much of you can they destroy? Seven months I lived in that house.
Here some pics from where I was jail up in that hause
The first month was the hardest. They didn´t allow me to go to the corner for cigarettes. Every day all day long an inquisitive look upon me analyzing every one of my moves to see what is that that you are, how is that that you are, and if that that you are fits into the constructs that his bullshit books accepteed as normal, as right. Months later, I joined a theater group, placed in Universidad de Carabobo; but it was a waste of time. I could not fit in. It was not the kind of people I enjoy. So I quitted. After that I singed me up to some English classes. After four months of studying English I decided to come back to Merida to study Modern languages at Universidad de Los Andes.
Here there some pics from when I just came back to Mérida
I´ve lived here in Mérida since 2012. You cannot imagine all the stuff have happened to me ever since. I´ve loved, I’ve hated. I´ve took revenge and I have felt regret. I´ve live in other countries. I´ve worked picking up coffee grains in Colombia. I´ve been treat as princess in Germany. I´ve been jail up in mental hospitals. I´ve broken my bones and restored them back together. I´ve fought against my government and the oligarchy that up to this point are again pretty much the same. I´ve lost more battles than those I´ve won. I´ve learnt how to win from a defeat. I´ve heard the subcutaneous sing of the world and I´ve sung with my heart open in flames to those who listen carefully. I´ve forgiven. I´ve surrender myself completely to others. I´ve given myself away for free. I´ve sold myself cheap and expensive. I´ve rent myself as well. I´ve been rich and poor. And I have recognized that I know how to be poor but not how to be rich. I´ve fornicated and refornicated. I´ve driven myself crazy and obsessed. I´ve suicided them. I´ve been raped and profaned. I´ve forgiven. I´ve known the bottomless pain and the sharp ones. I´ve made mistakes. I´ve begged. And for all my life, I will be always, always, grateful for this first jump that here I have told you about from which I won trustable and flexible foundations, on which I move around the world.
to say goodbey, here I will let to you all some pics that show some jumps I´ve taken since 2012
being model 2008
as model 2011
with the money I earned with the help of my short story "Dentro del mundo" (Inside the World)
End of 2012, after ending up a really toxic realationship
Colombia at the beginning of 2013
*being in love, Germarny 2013 - 2015.
being an in-love princess in Germany
Norsternpark. Diusburg - Germany.
A trip to Amsterdam
Last time I cut my own hair. Germany, November - 2014.
behaving badly at Bonn museum. Germany, 2014
Picking up garbage while dancing my shit out in Fuerte Ventura, Canary Islands. Beginnig of 2015
Back to Venezuela. Signing my name and wishes in a book I was selling in which my short story appears. July, 2015
Much more has happened since then but I have no cellphne with camara or camara since 2015. Thanks God you can also writte down moments through Words
With warm fellings,
Indira Carú
Jerry´s video. I recommend it!
ps... I have no longer any of SP to answer your comments.. but I really would love to answer you all!