Little intro

Hi steemians! I have posted a few small stories so far, but haven't properly introduced myself. At this stage I think rather than a long post about my boring life you can get to know me throughout my series of posts if you wish to follow! :)

I haven't found one single topic yet to write about instead I am exploring and experimenting with several ones.

Today I'm going to share a personal story, middle of the night-can't sleep rambling if you wish.

Living with anxiety, depression and chronic pain

I have chronic pain and anxiety. I also suffer temporary from depression. Probably due to the long term pain and anxiety. Maybe not. Maybe just because I get depressed. And it's ok. I am ok with it. Sometimes I can manage it, sometimes I can handle it, others I can't and I crumble. But I am ok with it. Well, not all the time. I am not always ok, but I have grown to accept myself this way and that's good enough.

Hi all!

Ishtar meets world

I am tired. I'm tired of having to pretend, of having to hide my emotions.

The problem I guess is how others perceive it. When they hear you have pain, everyone suddenly thinks they know the solution and go into solution mode without knowing even a small fragment of the story. Listen to me if you want to help, then you may be able to provide a solution or idea.

If there is a solution then I must be the problem

When they hear you are having a bad day, they start to question why?
Why are you sad?
Why does your head hurt?
What's wrong?
Is it because it's raining outside?

True a story, I have been asked this a much more, such as: is here anything you can do to feel better? Can it be fixed?
The angry part of me whishes to answer: "I've had this for 30+ years. Don't you think if there was something I would have tried?" But the true answer is, sometimes there is. Often there isn't. And people just don't seem to leave you be there in that space. People keep insisting of having the difficult conversation at that point, in the middle of a migraine attack or depressed day. And I end up having to say: "no thank you, I appreciate it but I'm fine. I'll be fine." Their trying to help, unfortunately, ends up creating more pressure rather than helping.
Because there is not much they can do really. At least not at that moment in time. This is a long term chronic condition.

The real "solution"

It may sound quite negative to say that there is nothing people can do to help. In fact, There is one thing people can do:
just accept me the way I am.
Accept my pain is chronic, comes and goes but mostly stays. Allow me to be sad for the day. It's ok. I'm ok with it.

It's not your job to fix me. Nobody deserves to carry that responsibility in their shoulders.

Gratitude

I do however appreciate people's support, company and kindness.

This kind of support is always welcome especially on tough times. But please don't try to fix me, please stop trying to problem solve...this only makes me feel worse. I am not your problem to solve. Actually, I am not A problem! I am a human being. I have feelings and emotions. Maybe I just allow them to come more than most functioning adults.

The Pain

This is something I have lived with since I was a little girl. I know it, I'm familiar with it, and it is a huge part of my life. Often people get shocked when they find about it. And what can I say?
Yes, I have chronic pain. Yes I probably have tried that magical solution you think I never heard of. No, it hasn't worked.
Sometimes with their best intentions people just exhaust themselves trying to give me these "new" ideas. And no, I'm not being closed minded about them, but I am exhausted. Seriously exhausted of trying every new idea with excitement, hoping this will be it. This will be the one and only cure. And I try and try and it never works. And this is truly disappointing and makes me sad. Very sad. And I cry and despair. And often go into a low mood then. So if it seems like I don't care about your solution or I don't listen, please don't think it's true. I am just doing my best to survive, to protect myself because I am so tired of trying. I do not want a magical cure that does not exist.
I will be however happy to hear how you manage your pain, your sadness, your anxiety.

Just be

I don't want to fight it anymore, or get rid of it. I just want to learn to live with it. To cope, because at the end of the day, I am ok with it if you will just allow me to be. Just be.

Thank you for reading. I am a graphic designer, art and poetry lover. And relatively new to Steemit
All images are my own photographs. Please do not copy or alter without permission. Thanks!