I'm very active on facebook and instagram, and starting to get my youtube channel going... and anyone who knows me knows I've come a long ass way.
I get asked so often to tell my story.
Everyone knows I used to be fat-ish...
A lot of people know I used to be an alcoholic.
So what is the story?
I mean is the story worth sharing?
Is it relevant?
I started binge eating as a kid... I know that much. Hand fulls of shredded cheese in the middle of the night... packets of swiss miss... melted cheese on chips in the microwave.
I've done a lot of research on why binge eating disorder starts... and it has a lot to do with your parents ignoring your desires, acting as if your reactions to things are invalid.
My parents, mainly my dad, forced a lot of food on me. Would make me sit at the table until I ate it which usually meant sitting there all night, until I got a second to feed my food to the dog.
Anyway, why is this relevant you know? That's why I've resisted talking about all this... because I'm choosing to focus on right NOW.
But I guess, let me take you back... despite not needing makeup anymore to feel beautiful... back when the first picture was taken, there wasn't much anyone could do to make.me feel beautiful.
I was a year in to an abusive relationship, and well on my way to alcoholism. My misconception of what love was was guiding me to watch what I said, and squeeze in to a mold that wasn't built for me. I allowed someone to convince me that keeping up with friendships and hobbies outside of our own relationship meant I didn't love him as much when, in fact, I was giving up my ability to care for and love myself. I let him control me as if this proved my love and in turn my self worth depended on this abusive relationship and it spiraled downward endlessly.
When I finally left and the relationship ended there was no sign left of who I was before.
I left the police station and compulsively moved to the ocean, dug a hole and buried myself. I drank alcohol to shut the noise above the ground and numb the voice within.
I stayed there for a year. Asleep and wasted. Hiding and terrified. I barely remember that year. I look back wondering how I survived... how I held a job.
The journey from then to now hasn't been smooth.. Almost 3 years later, I've lost friends... I've relapsed.. I've sunk in to darker depressions than I ever knew were possible... But its been worth it. Still, any day I will take the alcohol withdrawal, crippling depression, self loathing, lost friendships, heart breaking conversations, and long hard looks inside myself over and over again before I waste more time wasting living afraid, and drunk.
Sobriety wasn't the light at the end of my tunnel, it was just a stepping stone. Raw veganism was the light. Other truth seeking raw vegans were my light. They were where I found myself, I saw myself in them, and I shed my layers. I freed myself of expectations. Every day I continue to live this way I know I am bettering myself. I am so alive. So willing to feel. I am free.
