The way I see life when I was a child was full of happiness. It's bright and colorful. I thought life will always be that easy and fun but as I grew older, I got a glimpse of what life truly is. No one told me that it's not easy, no one warned me about it's complications, it'll just get harder and harder as you grow older. Now that I am at this age, I wonder how would I cope up? I wasn't ready in any battles life could offer, not even ready to fight for it. I wasn't ready at all, I was so scared because i didn't know what to do, I was so helpless and vulnerable. No one dared to care, no one assured me that everything's going to be okay. I have lived life the way people around me wanted it to be. Whatever they tell me, I will do it. That's how dependent I am, Yes, I was very dependent to the point that I don't have decisions on my own, people's opinions always matter and I carried that habit as I grew older.
I was a happy person, people knew me as a happy-go-lucky kind of person ,very smiling, very accommodating, jamming and always on-the-go. People thought that my life was very cool but they don't know the pain behind my smiles, the loneliness behind the cheerful aura, the tears behind the laughters. I was still a child when I felt that something's off, I felt left out most of the times, I felt that I don't belong and I knew that there's something wrong with me but I didn't mind though. I was bullied, yes! I was called names that scarred me forever, I was not very likeable perhaps. That's why I realized that life is really tough. I have friends, of course cause I am also friendly and I was actually thankful for it because they were the reasons for making me believe that I still belong in this world full of judgements. I easily trusts people to the point that they take advantage of my kindness and being the kind girl that I am, I just let them. I can't stand on my own, I can't even fight for myself, I just keep it all to myself and cried it all out. The world is cruel, people living in it were cruel and I wasn't brave enough to face and fight for it. I was weak, I was terrified, I was doubtful but that didn't stop me though. I continue living my life like how it supposed to be. Then I fell in love with the guy who I thought I could spend the rest of my life with. We we're inseparable back then, that's what I thought. I was happy and contented. Being in love was a great feeling but you can't really have your happy ending. He broke my heart and left me hanging, he just disappeared and I was left alone again. It was painful, I felt like my heart was ripped into pieces and I just cant't pick up the broken pieces because the more I tried to touch it, the more it bled. I wasn't ready for a broken heart, I was lost and don't know what to do. I was helpless and hurt but stopped myself from wanting him back, that would be the last thing I would do. I need to pick up the pieces of my shattered self, I need to bring myself back. I was lost and haven't been found. The girl who's always ready to lend her shoulders when someone needs her, who's always ready to listen when someone has problems. I AM that person but I just realized that people only need you when they're down, when they have problems, when they're heartbroken but when they are happy, they just disappear and that leaves me with no one. So I learned to depend on myself, I taught myself to be brave and to stand on my own. I actually did pretty good, I guess. Then I graduated without plans for the future, I wasn't ready for reality, I don't even know what to do after or what I really wanted to do with my life or what job would I get for myself. I was confused, got broken-hearted after graduation and being lost in the right path was a total mess. I was vulnerable, I was stucked and confused, my life was fucked up. I needed to have a break and find myself again, I needed HER back! So here I am now, finding my way again, bringing my self back. I'm in the process of knowing and loving myself more. I just realized that life is tough so I have to be tougher. Life is amazing if you just look into the brighter side of it. I got a good reason to stand back up and fight, live, laugh and love. Life is full of reasons to smile. 🙂🙂