...shhh, frens. Be really quiet, okay? Lady hooman is asleep, which means I heckin' finally get to talk to you. All she does is go on this Steemit thing, and she thinks I don't notice... but I do because I am a good boy, and I'm smarter than your average doggo. I was thinking to tell her she's doing it all wrong, frens, but I don't want to hurt her feelings. She hasn't posted any photos of her nose all huge, showed you all of her stuff, or even caught you any squirrels or anything. So even though doing a type is heckin' hard with paws and all, I'm gonna post all my cool adventures here, give nice hoomans upboops, and share all my important thoughts.

So yeah, I'm Murphy! Lady hooman calls me all sorts of heckin' nicknames, like Murphadoodle and Alexander and Derf. Sometimes even Murphyno, which I like the best, because it means she's gonna do me a chase.

 
I'm named after a robocop, she says. I don't know who that is, but she likes him a whole lot, so I bet he's got extra great ears. (Mine are still the best, though: ask anyone who scritches them.) You know, I never used to get scritches or rubs at all. I had to stay outside on a short chain all day and night, like a heckin' savage. It rained and snowed, and a lot of the time I just stood around in it, which let me tell you frens, really stunk. The hooman there kept attaching things to me and then sitting on them; it turns out they wanted me to drag them! SO FRUSTRATING. How can I go heckin' fast when you tie a meat-weight to my butt?! If you want to race, pull your own heckin' sled, and you can't do a blame that I can switch into 4-low! You gotta work with what you're given, even if it is a clunky old pair of hooman legs... but I'm doing a digress.

Eventually they said I was a waste because I wouldn't run, and wanted to throw me away. (Doing me a serious rude. I run forever and ever, the fastest.) It was looking pretty bad for me, frens; I'm not gonna lie. When I chose lady hooman, I know she was really happy, but truth is, I was too.

 
Anyways, forget all that stuff... now I take lady hooman to all the best places. She will do a climb and I will keep watch and do an aroo so she knows not to go too high. (She's pretty good at gripper grabsting, but one of us has to be responsible.) When we go out to smell things and she runs slow, I pretend to be tired too sometimes so she doesn't feel too bad. I take her to meet all the other doggos when we go out, because I'm trying to teach her good manners. (She still won't sniff anybody, which is pretty embarrassing. We're working on this one.) She still hasn't been able to catch one of those dastardly squirrels and I am forced to handle all of our defenses, but that's okay. We are a pretty good team.

I'm going to sign off for now, but I'll come back and talk to you soon. During the day, I like to do sleeps or a think, which are both very important jobs. I gotta stay sharp, frens.

 
I even practice my martial arts and do big chomps on the toys she gives me. I don't have the heart to tell lady hooman that I'm training to be extra deadly in preparation for the squirrel foe menace. I can tear a stuffy to shreds in seconds, so they better heckin' be ready when they come for me. In any case, if you have questions, I will do you an answer! Also, if that car that screams goes by while I'm gone, make sure you do an extra loud yell back at it for me. I don't want it to think I'm going soft.