My name is Sandy and I live near Chicago. I sort of agonized about what to write here. But here goes.
I'm a writer. I do freelance writing and advocacy writing. I've also written a lot of nonfiction books under pen names that I published on Kindle. Now I'm starting to write fiction - mysteries mostly. So one thing I hope to do is eventually share some shorter stories with you on Steemit. I've loved reading and writing stories since I was little.
The Real World
But after college, the real world and love intervened. I needed a job to help us...you know .. eat! So that's when numbers took over and kind of kidnapped me, taking me away from words. I worked for one small business and developed an interest in computers. That led me to a university with a 6-month program that would take word-lovers like me and make us into computer programmers.
What Am I Doing Here?
After that, I worked for a large association downtown, working my way up into management. I loved a lot of the people but hated a good portion of the politics. I did help to improve the technology used which made me happy. And I traveled to Boston, New Orleans, and California which was awesome! But trouble was brewing. One day I was in a meeting on the highest floor of the building. I could see Lake Michigan through the windows and thought "What am I doing here?" It was time to get out of Dodge.
The Best, Insane Job
So after that a friend of mine moved to a cellular technology company. Through him I got a job as a manager in another group. The hours were insane but I loved the people and the work. My team was in Tel Aviv and I got to travel there and explore a bit of Israel in my spare time. It was a great job and I was there for around 4 years. But I had developed an itch.
Transitions
I had been day trading stocks and wanted to go off and work on my own doing that. The markets were great at that point. My manager tried to talk me out of it, but I was determined. 6 months after going down that path, my Mom developed a terminal illness. I moved in with her and became her caregiver. I spent some nights sleeping next to her bed in the hospital and rehab center. I grew to hate some doctors for their callousness and loved many nurses for the kindness they showed my Mom and me. I was finally able to bring her home on a Wednesday. There was a hospital bed in the living room looking out on her balcony and the trees. She was on oxygen so there was always that background noise. Her cat, Ginger, would sit on the couch or bed with her. The hospice nurse had come with meds and instructions. Family and neighbors came for visits.
On Saturday she wanted pudding for breakfast so I got that for her. I gave her her meds. She was smiling and relaxed and closed her eyes to nap. She seemed happy. But when I touched her skin, it didn't feel right. I called the hospice nurse and she said she'd be right out. I stood by Mom's side and talked to her. As her breathing slowed, I called out "Mom!" She opened her eyes, looked at me, smiled and passed away. I felt grief and loss. But I also felt happiness at her peaceful passing and our love. I called the priest and had my Aunt on my cell phone listening to his prayers.
What did I learn? Well, of course that I loved Mom even more than I realized. She was so brave during her illness and was an inspiration to me and others. A good part of who I am, including my work ethic, comes from her influence. But I also learned that death is not to be feared. It really isn't. It's like another step to the next adventure, and Mom took it without fear. Because of my faith, I feel not only that I'll see her again, but that she's here with me every day as I bumble along. O.k. so after the Mass and mourning and all of the things you have to do when you lose someone you love, I decided I didn't want to be alone all day trading stocks.
Next Step
I found work as a computer consultant at another big American corporation downtown. Again, I made friends and liked a lot of the people I worked with. I tried to ignore a lot of the politics. I had moved into the process area of technology and worked a lot with project managers and developers to improve how they built systems. I got to travel to London a few times and discovered the Bacon Butty, which is a lot of grilled bacon on a hot bun slathered with butter and is wonderful!
What the Hell is Wrong With Me?
Then, one day, while leaving my office in Chicago, a strange thing happened. I parked my car every day in a garage across the street. It was a busy street with a big divider in the middle. One lane of traffic went west of the divider and the other lane went east of the divider. So this day, I stood on the divider waiting for some cars to pass so I could cross to the garage. And I felt incredible panic. It just washed over me suddenly. I thought for sure I was going to pass out on the street and maybe get hit by a car. I didn't and made it cross the street to my car and home. I had no idea what happened. Later, I had similar attacks when I was waiting for the elevator going into work, standing in line at the post office, and at church. I don't think anyone else ever noticed.
I called my doctor and she checked me up and down and said "Off to the shrink with you." Well, maybe not those exact words. But I did go to a therapist. I was wound tighter than a drum at our first meeting. "No way I'm laying on that couch," I informed him. He smiled and said the chair would be fine. So I told him everything. He said it sounded like I was experiencing anxiety and panic attacks. I really wanted to know what was causing them and how to avoid or control them. He said I might never find that out. The important thing was managing each attack and understanding it. That actually bummed me out. If there were these weird symptoms, I wanted to know the cause.
He gave me Xanax at first to help. I asked if he had anything I could read that would help me to understand what was happening to me and he wasn't very helpful there. In the end, I used him as a resource to talk out feelings about the situations that brought on these attacks. He did say I had Generalized Anxiety. What saved me was a book I found myself. It's called Embracing the Fear: Learning To Manage Anxiety & Panic Attacks by Amy Bemis and Amr Barrada. I had figured out that when my forward motion was stopped by waiting for cars to pass, waiting for elevators, or standing in lines, my anxiety shot up. The book gave me strategies for dealing with this and after much practice, I haven't experienced anxiety in a good while. I'm not sure if the death of my Mom brought this on, the ending of another relationship at the time, or the work i was doing, or something I hadn't thought of.
Again, what did I learn? When we're scared we tend to want to fight off the fear. We also talk to ourselves in a negative way. "Why me?" "Why now?" Actually, it's better to pay close attention to the fear and how you feel. Embrace it and accept that for a few minutes you'll be uncomfortable. Understand that in most situations, you can leave and reduce the anxiety, if you feel you can't wait it out. That gave me more of a sense of control and made all the difference. I also found that going through the entire experience made me appreciate everybody and everything in my life so much more!
The Rest of the Story
At any rate, I'll fast forward. I left that job and did forex trading from home for a while. I discovered Kindle publishing and became part of a group that did that. I had found my words and writing again! I also set up a number of curation websites. I'm currently working on my first mystery book.
When a friend brought Steemit to my attention, I came to look around and loved it! I had very minor experience with bitcoin. So I know what cryptos are. But Steemit is a community in addition to a crypto! And there are people in the community from all over the world talking about art, writing, photography, politics, steemit and more! No centralized control. Just people in the community rewarding others for their writing, curation, and comments. I feel like I've come home.
Do what you love and you'll be happy!
