Not in a bad way, I'm not sick. My brain is a little bit sick because I'm affected by bipolar disorder... and maybe something else.
So I thought why not open a sort of blog on this new, and actually really cool, platform #steemit
Since I can't afford to go to a psychologist at the moment I may try to open up here with you guys, hoping the feedback is good.
At least it is worth trying, even though I'm not a very good writer and I don't like people in general, starting with me.
Let me introduce my self (or #introduceyourself ) I'm Mattia Ghera. Born and grew up in Rome (Italy).
I'm 25 years old and I have 2 little sisters and 1 little brother.
I'm currently living with my parents, but I lived 1 year in Manchester (UK) with my friend
and 3 months in Samanà (Dominican Republic).
Today I don't want to talk about my family and my youth, but I want to try to explain what happened to my brain and soul in the last 3 years.
It all started in Manchester when I was making a living for 12 months by playing #poker #online professionally, after quitting a 2 year's job as a secretary and marketing manager at a Music School in Rome. When I was about to go back to my parents in Rome, my winnings stopped 2 months before that day and I didn't have much money left in my bank account.
One day the darkness arrived.
My brain that day decided to convince myself to think I was a failure.
To me that year in Manchester was a Failure (it was almost 4 years ago, now I know for sure it's going to be a treasured experience for the rest of my life).
I didn't work good enough and now everyone is going to laugh at me or even worse, is going to be angry at me.
From that day on, step by step, day after day, I was thinking more and more how I had wasted 1 year of my life playing poker online.
Finally, I went back to my home, my room, closed the door and started crying.
And crying more.
Then I went to the market, bought some vodka and got drunk in the worst possible way, and started being paranoid.
The day after, everything was black. The light was gone and the hope was like it never existed.
I got depressed and then paranoid.
One day the darkness arrived.
I stopped calling my friends, I stopped going out, stopped smiling, stopped enjoying life.
All that in a matter of 5-6 weeks.
It was hard, I went through a very hard process and after 3 months of darkness, my belly was growing and my brain was dying.
With the help of my family and finally a couple of real friends I started to go to the psychologist for almost 8 months.
Now I don't want to stay here and tell you all the bad feelings I went through that period but I can just say that................ after the therapy with my #psychologist and with the help of #marijuana, I became a new person.
A brand new Mattia who rose from the ashes and felt strong as a phoenix.
That Mattia had a lot of fun for 6 months... a lot of fun with girls, friends, money, adrenaline, alcohol and marijuana because yeah, weed can also be used for ricreational purpose.
(The one with the mask on the right is me)
One day the darkness arrived.
Again.
I don't like it, this time, I tried to fight back but nothing, 2 weeks and it went all black.
Again.
Now I don't want to stay here and tell you all the bad feelings I went through that period but I can just say that............ this time, I fought back with all my energy and it didn't matter if I changed my way of approaching the problem... the darkness was all around.
One day the light. One Hope. One Love.
I dressed up and went running.
Me, running in front of everyone. What the fuck?!?!?!
I'm not thinking about how I looked, what they were thinking about me, if they recognized me, if they knew I was sick and I wasn't thinking about going back home and turn off the light.
I'm not thinking anymore, I am only running.
Free, from my own mind.
I know it can sound hard to understand but I really have a relationship with my brain (nowadays) like you have with your dog or cat. I just tell him what to do and most of the time(nowadays) he does it. More or less.
Wow I feel very good now that I said these things out loud but now I don't want to stay here and talk again about my will power but perhaps about this girl, who found me when I was the most maniac (see the definition down below) Mattia that I've ever been, and she loved me, from the first moment, and took care of me. For no apparently reason. Just because.
But then, after some months of happyness...
One day the darkness arrived.
It came again, even if it was all good, it likes to come even unexpectedly.
Now I don't want to stay here and tell you all the bad feelings I went through that period but I can just say that............ now here I am after 18 months of relationship with my girlfriend and a job in #social #media #marketing writing this page about me and my mental disorder.
Feeling good with me, myself and my brain.
But always aware of the existence of darkness.
I just wanted to inform you that there are people out there, like me, who are good in life but something is wrong inside their brain so sometimes they have periods of big depression and they need to restart all over again every time.
I will probably post again in the future talking about my experience with marijuana and how it helped me to "speak" to my brain. If you guys are interested of course.
Have a day full of light.
Mattia.
Note for the readers.
#bipolar #disorder
From #wikipedia the free encyclopedia
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Bipolar_disorder
"Manic depression" redirects here. For other uses, see Manic depression (disambiguation).
"Bipolar disorders" redirects here. For the medical journal, see Bipolar Disorders (journal).
Bipolar disorder, formerly manic depression, is a mental disorder with periods of depression and periods of elevated mood.The elevated mood is significant and is known as mania or hypomania, depending on its severity, or whether symptoms of psychosis are present. During mania an individual behaves or feels abnormally energetic, happy or irritable.Individuals often make poorly thought out decisions with little regard to the consequences. The need for sleep is usually reduced during manic phases. During periods of depression, there may be crying, a negative outlook on life, and poor eye contact with others.The risk of suicide among those with the illness is high at greater than 6 percent over 20 years, while self-harm occurs in 30-40 percent. Other mental health issues such as anxiety disorders and substance use disorder are commonly associated.