Introduction
Bonjour!
My name's Luc, originally from France.
I'm in my thirties, married, and we have two beautiful kids: a boy and a girl.
In this introductory post I intend to share a little bit about me, and what brought me to steemit.
Background story
Childhood
Mostly everything I can remember about those years are happy memories. Good parents, good friends, good nature. We lived in a quiet, unassuming, idyllic village, close enough to the (somewhat) big city.
It is said that those who grow up in the countryside tend to want to settle in a big city and vice versa, and with that I could never identify; As far back as I remember, I've enjoyed the solitude of the forest, being surrounded by Natures' majestic work. It's still like that, even to this day.
Really, I cannot complain. The days were huge, Nature was plentiful, food was great and the people (adults and children both) were nice to be around.
Teenage years
According to my memories, this is where the big divide really begun (well, like most teenagers out there, I guess!!).
School was alright, other than having had some challenges with bullying (short-lived, as it turned out, since, as they soon discovered, they were actually hit back!). Girlfriends came and went, and sports were ever-present.
Drugs (such a loaded word!) crossed my path around this time, mostly in the form of tobacco and alcohol; two of the most accepted drugs in France, and presumably the whole Western World.
Being into sports, tobacco was never appealing. Alcohol enticed me at first, being a new and forbidden (at that age) thing, but frankly, it disappointed.
It would be many years until realizing that some peoples' bodies are just not cut for some substances, and in the case of alcohol, for me, that was definitely the case.
While there were countless times where I could have experimented with cannabis at this stage, the fear of damaging lungs plus a truckload of government propaganda put me off from it. It was nice occasionally hanging out with the stoners, though. They were discussing philosophy and politics and funny/silly stuff for hours, but most importantly, they were getting together to learn how to play guitar, and that awoke in me a desire to learn how to play at least one instrument.
Also, they (almost) never failed to amuse.
In the later teens I had a longer-lasting relationship of 3 years which taught me much, but as it is common in that age, we did eventually end up growing into completely different people.
The period after that was a bit chaotic, driving fast and furious, and miraculously surviving a car crash.
The twenties
Lets purposefully leave behind a lot of details about graduating, not knowing what to do with life professionally and what not, for they are not relevant to this story.
From the late teenage years into my twenties, a growing desire to learn about the mind arose. I begun stuffing myself with everything I could find about psychology, philosophy, and the nature of consciousness.
In this process, it was perhaps inevitable that psychedelics would come to my attention.
At first, I was mystified. Here was something that the government was saying was so dangerous it had to be made illegal, on one hand, and on the other hand, I was learning that in non-western civilizations, those substances had been used for thousands and thousands of years. And mostly (minus the occasional human sacrifice here and there), for healing/transformational purposes.
You can imagine the cognitive dissonance. On one hand, alcohol and tobacco, all perfectly legal, either one of them kills more people every year than all illegal drugs combined. On the other hand, plants that are hailed as medicine in other cultures, illegal in ours.
What was going on?
How can Nature be illegal?
The more I learned about it, the more intrigued I was.
In my free time I begun reading trip reports (firsthand reports of a psychedelic experience) on a certain well-known site, and it all just seemed so ludicrous; "Them hippies are indeed crazy!", methought.
But there was no use in lying to myself - there was something here. Either that, or I was going crazy too.
I went to the people closest to me for advice and perspective; parents, close friends.
They all said the same; those drugs are dangerous, you will become addicted, you might go crazy. Even though none of them ever tried any, they all seemed to know "a friend of a friend" who did, and was now stuck in a permanent trip, completely out of touch with reality.
The fear of such things kept this budding interest at bay.
Pilgrimage
For quite some time, things had become increasingly agitated. Something was missing, I thought to myself. But what?
I had friends, I had, once again, a good romantic relationship, I had family.
The money was good .. as good as it can be when the government claims the right to take 50% of what you earn -- or else.
Up to this stage (25), outside of France I had not done much traveling. Something had to change, I thought to myself, and tried to convince a few friends to come and walk the camino.
None were interested, or none could due to professional obligations, so one day after much research on what gear to take, precautions, etc, the walk to Santiago begun.
It would be very hard to convey in words the sense of excitement and adventure I felt. It was something entirely new, walking such a long distance, and going alone at something like this.
The initial fears quickly dissipated, and soon I settled into the rhythm of things: walk 8 hours a day with plenty of resting, find accommodation after that, take a shower, socialize with other pilgrims, wake up at 5-6 in the morning (best time to walk, before the sun comes scorching down on you!), repeat.
It was a bit lonely the first two weeks, as the more common starting point is Saint Jean, and remember, I had simply started walking from home instead..
That first week was the toughest, both because of the loneliness, also in no small part due to the physical strain on the body; It took that whole week until there was no more or less constant, but thankfully manageable, pain.
After Saint Jean, a pilgrim can always find someone to chat to and walk together. People are so open in such situations, it's incredible!
Many days went by, making acquaintances, walking, living, breathing Nature.. it wasn't always easy, though. The weather was hot, and a good chunk of the way was ups and downs (hills and such).
Some of the people I met stayed behind, others marched ahead. A group of about 10 people, I would see more or less every day, as our paces matched each other more or less perfectly, and we all slept near the same villages/cities.
As it happens in such situations, a few of us got closer.
A strange stranger
It was just another 30º day with no shade somewhere in Northern Spain. By now, we were a group of 4 people walking together for most of the day, every day.
We stopped for lunch at a beautiful, almost deserted Spanish village, and sitting next to us, there was a man who looked to be in his thirties; with long black hair, and an imposing, yet relaxed, physique. The backpack and the shell - as if being in the middle of Nowhereville with a backpack was not obvious enough - confirmed that he was also a pilgrim.
We sat down, introduced ourselves (his name was Derek).
Derek told us that, unexpectedly, his hiking buddies had just gone back home at the last major city due to a family emergency back in Italy.
Now it was just him, and his mandolin. Oh, and some books.
Immediately upon seeing those books lying on the table, the interest in psychedelics came surging from the depths of the unconscious. It had been so long! And the last emotion associated with that topic had been fear!
I felt it in my stomach, but not wanting to look anxious, managed to calm myself down, and for the next 30 minutes, we ate and talked and laughed.
After a brief rest, and when it was finally time to go, he took us on our offer to walk together. Past some more chit-chat and epic mandolin tunes, the conversation turned to getting to know more about him:
"Where did you start your Camino?", I asked him, out of curiosity.
"Greece. I had been in Turkey for some months, and then moved there. Was going to stay 2 weeks, ended up staying for about half a year.. you know how it goes", he said.
"I... don't?"
"Well", he started, "met a girl there, and we got close, man. I don't know - the atmosphere, the newness, the food, the people, the weather.."
He took a deep breath.
"Anyway, it ended up not working out. We had very different ideas about what we want in life"
I continued listening.
"So yeah, at some point she told me about the Camino, a Christian pilgrims' way that stretches across Europe. Years ago, she'd walked the Camino herself."
"Being more of a road-trip kind of guy, it was a curious notion. I said, half-jokingly, that we should walk all the way from Greece to Santiago!"
"And what do you know, for lack of better plans, and for the sake of adventure, that's what ended up happening. Well, except I made it on my own, of course."
I could hardly believe what I was hearing.
"So how long ago did you begin hiking?!", I asked.
"Eeeh... about 8 months ago, I think. Yeah, sounds about right."
"It's been on and off", he continued - "sometimes I liked a place, and ended up staying a couple of weeks."
Presently we were interrupted by Erica.
Dereks' journey to sanity
Erica, who was also part of the group, had also recognized one of the books Derek had laid on top of the table, earlier. She made a casual comment about one of them, as a sort of a bait. And did Derek bite!
For about an hour we listened, as we walked (and occasionally rested), as he told us of his childhood of abuse, growing up with depression and few friends, and of his search in psychology, then Buddhism, for answers, and how he came to realize that understanding his own mind was the key to end the suffering that was the stuff of daily life for so many years.
In his case, Buddhist concepts helped, knowledge about psychology (namely, CBT, he later clarified) helped, but the real breakthrough came through something called MDMA.
I'd heard of it. Ecstasy, as it is known in the mass media.
A dangerous drug of abuse that will see you addicted and potentially dying, if you were to uncritically believe the portrayal of the substance.
Through MDMA, he said, he was able to intuitively and organically see the many faulty and negative thought patterns that had been slowly ingrained in him throughout all of his early life, in no small part due to a mother who did not know how to mother.
In one afternoon, he told us, MDMA helped him more than years of therapy, and years of studying his own problems from different angles.
"It allowed me to look at myself from a completely different perspective. One of total empathy, self-love, non-self-critical way", he clarified.
"At the time", he continued, "that was a completely new perspective for me. All I knew was lack of self-confidence, self-hatred, and I was a very, very judgmental guy."
He went on - "looking at myself that way, feeling at home in my body and in my being, with an overwhelming sense of serenity and bliss.." and here he paused, gathering his thoughts.
"Happiness. True happiness. It had been so long, that in the beginning it was hard to recognize.. can you believe that?"
That he was being so candid about such delicate private matters impressed on me. It was part Derek being Derek, part us being pilgrims on a journey, and the sense of belonging that comes from it, part something else that I did not know how to identify ..
He continued: "I realized how often my mind focused on the negative, and how that brought about the negative world that I had long ago externalized. It was so clear and so obvious, I laughed at myself for having failed to grasp that for so many years."
Visibly enthusiastic yet pensive, he proceeded: "the medicine allowed me to connect to a part of me that I had long been severed from - the inner child, as I later learned to call it. Somewhere in my psyche, there still was that frightened and maimed child, pretending to be a beast, protecting itself the only way it knew - by driving everything and everyone away from it. I embraced this part of me, and said to it, everything is ok. I see now."
"It's something I'll never forget", he concluded.
"It made me who I am today. Without MDMA, I don't know what would have happened."
To sum it up, that day he realized he had to get his life together, and that he had to be his own best friend.
And so he did! With many ups and downs, as he said, but never falling back to the pit of despair that is chronic depression. And this, he (almost) single-handedly credits to MDMA - an illegal drug, claimed to be so addictive and so dangerous that it cannot even be researched in most parts of the world today.
When we met him, he was in great shape, a successful entrepreneur, living a location-independent lifestyle. The character he depicted to us could not be further from what we saw in front of us.
His own personal story confirmed many of the suspicions that had been gathering dust since dropping the topic of mind-altering substances. There was, indeed, another side to the story - and one that is almost never talked about (though this is slowly changing).
Gaining courage
His story so impressed me and rekindled that almost forgotten interest in psychedelics/mind-altering medicines, that I ended up confiding in him one day, while the others were buying groceries, that I too would like to experience what's colloquially called a trip.
"MDMA is more of an empathogen though, really", Derek said.
The confused look in response prompted him to clarify:
"Something that generates empathy. Some psychedelics are also empathogenic, and some empathogens can be psychedelic, but in general there's a clear distinction".
"Psychedelic means mind-manifesting, so I guess you could say in that sense something like MDMA can be psychedelic too. But it's worth it to make a distinction; Empathogens tend to ground you more in yourself, without the traps of egocentricity. You can look at your own flaws and limitations and not be judgmental about them. Equally important, you bond with other people in ways that you did not know were possible!"
"Psychedelics, on the other hand, tend to instead dissolve your ego, your sense of self. For that reason, for most unsuspecting people, it can sometimes be a frightening experience, as there is a sense of dying, annihilation .. which is absolutely beautiful and indescribable -"
"It really depends on how good someone is at letting go. This is seldom easy in the face of perceived death."
"If you want to dip your toes", Derek continued, "I suggest something like Mescaline. It's psychedelic in higher doses, and more of an empathogen in lower doses. Also importantly, even in higher doses it doesn't lose it's empathogenic character, altough it's diminished"
Long story short, as yet another coincidence in this story, Derek had some with him!
I offered to pay, but he would have none of it. "If you want it, then I want you to have the experience; I don't want your money, Luc."
We agreed that once we crossed into Galicia, the final region in the pilgrimage, we would find a place to trip, should I still be interested.
That stage was at least still a week away; we lost and found Derek two times during that time.
And while there was initially major anticipation on my end, quickly I realized that the time for it would come, and that for now it would be more constructive to just enjoy the walk (long distance hiking, I later mused, can teach one much about life and patience).
Galicia
After days and days of sunny weather and walking on mostly flat surfaces, Galicia made for quite a change - mountains, mud and rain!
It was markedly more rural there as well. Like going back in time 50 years, I imagine.
The threat of rain coupled with the proximity of urban areas near the end stages to come made me think the experience was not bound to happen after all, but in another few days, the weather would once again change - sunny, but very windy, in stark contrast to what we had seen before.
It was time.
Final preparations
"The experience will last the better part of 10 hours", Derek informed over breakfast that day.
"You may feel some nausea in the beginning. It's common, and not dangerous. Just uncomfortable. No big deal."
We arranged with the others to meet a couple of days later in Santiago - Derek and I were staying behind, as I felt more comfortable with less people around.
The group walked together until 2 in the afternoon; the mood was great, and the more time passed, the more anticipation I could feel.
Once we found a suitable place, everybody sat down to eat - altough my "meal" was of a different kind.
"It could take anywhere from 1 to 3 hours until you begin to feel the effects proper-"
"And the nausea?", I interrupted.
"That comes in the beginning. Again, it depends, but usually around 20 minutes. Don't think too much about it."
Everyone hugged, we confirmed contacts so that we wouldn't miss each other in Santiago and then, after wishing us a good time, they left.
I watched as they marched off and disappeared in the vegetation. It had been about 15 minutes since ingesting the substance now, and other than some anticipation and anxiety stemming from that, there was nothing else to report.
Into the void
Presently, I felt lighter. The kind of lightness when one feels weak.
Then came the stomach sensations. My trustworthy friend down there was not happy about any of this, it seemed. Vague sensations of discomfort predictably turned into nausea.
I also felt cold (it must have been close to 20º outside at that point). When I told Derek about this, he reassured me: "Don't worry. You're alright, it's not dangerous. Chill!"
"I AM chilling!!", I said, alluding to my broken thermostat.
We laughed.
It must have been no longer than another 30 minutes, when suddenly, as sneakily as it once came, the nausea disappeared. And I felt..... different.
A loving warmth emanated from within; coupled with an incredible sense of inner peace. Colors gradually became more saturated and alive, and I could see all the little insects in the air, so clearly.
Some dust was then falling from a tree; suspended in a beam of sunlight, completely captured my attention. Magical.
I looked around, and everything looked majestic. Alive!
Oh, I knew Nature is alive of course, but only intelectually!
"Wait", I thought .. "I knew this too.. as a child! every child does!"
My perception of time begun slowing down. The music coming in through the headphones was so much richer than normal! Crispier, clearer, more textured, more meaningful.
Initially that's what tipped me off to the changing perception of time - the music itself begun slowing down.
"Ground yourself in your breathing", Derek suggested.
I looked at my arms, and contemplated how weird and fascinating it is that I can move them through the power of Will. The skin felt so tender, and warm!
Warm! Warm... Water, I was thirsty.
Gah! It tasted of plastic (the water bottle had been sitting in the shade)! Did it always did the last few weeks, and I failed to notice?
I smiled, really smiled, and said to Derek: "..and I was fearing THIS!".
He chuckled, and nodded knowingly.
Inside my head, thoughts took on completely new dimensions. They were connecting in novel ways, lateral connections continuously being made. Neurons firing in new ways! So much so, that at that point, I had the first synesthetic experience of my life - behind closed eyes, a visual representation of the music being played appeared!
Once again I laughed, for this was too incredible to believe. And yet, I was living it!
(Note for the doubtful reader with natural synesthesia: you have no idea of the gift you have if you experience this in day-to-day life!)
Remarkably, amidst all this, I found tmy verbal fluency to be mostly unaffected. The only problem, it seemed, was that, perhaps as a result of the empathogenic qualities of the substance, I spent inordinate amounts of time mentally scanning through all the possible ways someone else (Derek, in this case) would attempt to interpret the meaning of what I was trying to convey, and what it would mean to them.
The next couple of hours are hard to put in words, I laid down in the grass, headphones on and eyes closed, feeling the radiant sun in my face, smiling, and listening to music.. in other words, enjoying the dramatically enhanced senses. That something like this was possible, it was almost preposterous!
A few times, the sensation of thirst came back, and I got up to drink - and every time, what do you know? There Derek was, eyes closed, meditating.
"It's like I met the Buddha!", I thought to myself, with complete notion of the absurdity of the situation.
Some time later, Derek got up and asked if everything was alright; and informed that he'd be going for a stroll - "I think you have the hang of this now".
I smiled, thanked him, and he left.
So there I was, sitting down now, headphones off.. looking at the sky, and marveling at the beauty of it all.. trying to soak as much as I could in.
Then I looked at the clouds, and once again felt the warmth of the sunlight.
In the distance some birds could be heard -- and noted to myself that the ability to locate them in space from their chatter appeared to be markedly increased.
Strangely, I could even easily see them going about their business in trees and such. Visual acuity was also extremely enhanced - or perhaps just better attention to detail.
Incredible. All this from a mystery powder.
I reasoned, "all of this was already inside of me, somehow. The medicine just unlocks it. Molecular keys to a higher state of consciousness. Unbelievable."
Time once again appeared to slow down - I had noticed before, this stuff seems to come and go, in terms of intensity, in waves. The bird chatter gained what, for lack of better words, I can only explain as a divine/sacred character. Not just the bird chatter in fact, the whole scene..
All was so very serene. I kept looking at the clouds. The sunlight felt so good on my skin.
I thanked whoever is responsible for this stuff (I'm not religious, but I believe in a higher being) for allowing me to experience this moment. Thoughts of gratitude. Joy.
The sunlight kept enveloping me. I felt cared for, like everything in the world is alright.
Then I closed my eyes, to once again soak the sunlight with my consciousness.
And then, something entirely unexpected happened.
I felt my sense of self beginning to dissolve. To this day it still amazes me that I was not alarmed by it -- later I would learn that Mescaline is usually a gentle medicine.
I lost track of where I was, who and what I was, even that I had a body. There was nobody left to think those thoughts. This is hard to understand if you've never been through it, I understand.
Only that moment existed, only that experience. The "I", the ego, we all identify with, it was no longer there. No more thoughts, no more sense of being separate. Just raw, pure, unadulterated awareness.
There was no longer any observer experiencing, but only the experience itself.
"I" had had my first ego death experience.
Reentry
By the moment my sense of identity and orientation in time and space began reasserting itself, Derek must've been there for some time already.
He was smiling.
I tried to form sentences to try and convey what had just happened, but it was not working so well. At that time, I had NO IDEA what had just happened.
Just that it had completely blown my mind. It was, by far, the most weird, exquisite, alien, exotic, spiritual experience of my life.
Derek played mandolin while I laid down and simply enjoyed the music, and the calm quiet Nature, occasionally trying to make sense of what had just happened.
Later in the evening, we did speak more about the experience, matters of the mind, philosophy, consciousness, politics. I echoed to him my thought/disbelief on how can something like this be "against the law".
"Partly ignorance, partly malice. We do have enough scientific data today to know that the classic psychedelics are not harmful, for healthy people. Our drug laws are a mess, man."
He continued,
"It's slowly getting better. I never thought I'd see marijuana legalized in some US states, for instance!"
"A part of me also believes that it's about control. It's only natural that people in power, want to stay in power. For that to happen, the structures around them must remain."
"Psychedelics dissolve boundaries, old ways of thinking. They can jolt you out of your way of being - which for everyone is largely dictated by Culture, whether they realize it or not."
"Being so shaken isn't always a good thing, if the person is not mentally prepared. But often enough, transcending your limitations and beliefs, while painful at first, is liberating."
"So man, it makes sense, you know. If you want things to keep on going as they've been, and if that serves you well, you don't want a bunch of people taking mind-altering drugs and expanding their consciousness. You want them to not even realize there are other ways."
While his ideas seemed interesting, they did not entirely sway. What's that saying?
We stayed the night out in the forest. After dinner, and a very long day, it was not difficult at all to fall asleep.
Santiago de Compostela
A few days later we made it to Santiago. For Derek this was even more significant, considering how long ago his own journey - in time, and space - had begun.
The surroundings of the Cathedral, with the street music, all the recently-arrived pilgrims mixed with tourists and locals, almost seemed like a scene out of a fairy tale.
We had finally made it. Earlier in the day, we had called the rest of the group, and it wasn't long before they came to meet us in front of the Cathedral, where we rested for well over an hour.
Derek looked different, somehow. I could understand to a degree - if for me it felt so strange to finally reach the end of the road, then how must it have felt for him?
Together with other pilgrims we had seen coming and going earlier on the journey, whom we found by the Cathedral, we all treated ourselves to dinner that night.
Tomorrow would be time to say goodbye, and catch a bus back to France.
Aftermath
Like any good pilgrimage, the Luc who went in was not the Luc that came out.
Not only had I gained an appreciation for the concept of walking for over a month, my interest in mind-altering substances was rekindled. To this day it has remained an interest, as you can see by this introduction, and my username (psycho + naut, an explorer of the mind/soul)
To this day then, altough the experiences are far less frequent, psychedelics remain a powerful ally in my life. I've also introduced a fair share of other people to them, always empathizing safety, responsible use, and good intention.
It is my belief that by and large, our society has greatly deceived us about "drugs". They are all put in the same bag, then said bag is labeled as bad and the cause of much suffering, and then they're outlawed.
This has no bearing whatsoever with actual reality.
Why I'm on Steemit
As you can imagine, after such a transformative experience, in the beginning I went perhaps a bit too overboard, being too enthusiastic, telling friends and family about it.
Unfortunately, as I found out, for the most part this meant that in their minds I was now one of those "drug users", scum of the earth, destined to overdose and die alone, sooner or later.
So, like so many before me, I went underground, lived a double life, and kept my interest in mind-altering substances to myself, my significant other, and a few close friends.
In this process I also came to appreciate just how repressive my home country is to altering consciousness through non-approved (esentially, alcohol and caffeine) chemical methods.
I had toyed with the idea of writing about psychedelics for some years now, but kept finding excuses; it was not the right time, nobody would be interested, it's a waste of time, this, that..
Finally I found the courage, and I can thank my wife for encouraging me as well. She's not really too fond of tripping (too chaotic for her), and in spite of that, she is 100% supportive. Truly, I am lucky.
So, why am I here? I'm here because I can write freely, about something dear to my heart. I found that outside of the internet, this is often not so. Here I can be honest, instead of living a double life.
The idea is to share information about psychedelic medicines from someone who has been there, occasionally fell off the deep end a few times, and who's come to appreciate through personal experience just how incredibly healing and transformative those medicines can be.
Disclaimers
I'm not here to encourage drug use. Perhaps after reading such a story, you doubt that.
I'm writing to inform, and who knows, perhaps you'll even be entertained on occasion!
I think - and I say it without the slightest trace of elitism (something that'd be hard to find in my writings) - that for most people, psychedelics are not the way.
Nevertheless, in my opinion and experience, these are wonderful tools, repressed in Western society (cannot comment about others). I would like to see this changed, and the way to do so is through education.
For years I complained about that, the lack of education .. such foolishness, for the answer was right there all along! Do something yourself!
Parting thoughts
Someone wise once said that psychedelics are to the study of consciousness what the telescope is to the study of astronomy, and the microscope to the study of biology.
My own findings absolutely confirm this.
The real crime, in my analysis, is that entire populations are being cheated out of such valuable tools. Tools that the vast majority of people will not need the vast majority of time. But regardless. It is wrong to take the option away for the times when they are needed. And it's even worse to misinform and instill fear into the minds of unsuspecting, good people.
The Camino group
Even to this day, we all remain in touch, though less often than initially .. as such things tend to be.
Derek went on to Morocco and stayed there working on his business. He left to New Zealand a year later, and has stayed there since, as far as I know.
Erica ended up staying together with Ben (one of the other guys in the group, whom I think did not introduce/write about), and they moved to rural Germany, to work on an eco-village.
William went back to Australia shortly after the Camino. Later on, as Derek headed to New Zealand, they met each other a couple of times.