A while back I read a book called, "As a Man Thinketh", by James Allen. It taught me a lot about my thoughts and how they affect my reality, that we create our own reality and each circumstance reveals us to ourselves.
One revelation is that suffering, as much as it sucks, is not punishment. It’s purification. All the discomfort, anger and rage we feel inside is meant to get our attention. Wake us up. Like an alarm clock. You can get up and end the suffering, or keep hitting the snooze button because it’s easier to stay asleep than wake up from the dream. It’s a choice.
I chose to keep hitting the metaphorical snooze button. In my mind life was good. I always managed to survive. Made a decent living. I did what I had to do. Worked hard. Even played by the rules... when it suited me. I never drank the Kool-Aid, as they say. Maybe just a sip here and there. I’ve always felt like I didn’t quite belong or fit in. I wanted to belong, but I didn’t know where.
I’d hop from job to job... places where I thought I’d fit in with other misfits like me. It worked out for a while, then I’d move on, convincing myself the next job would be better. The pattern repeated.
I heard it all. Tried it all. The jobs and business opportunities that would supposedly lead me to the promised land. Yeah... right. Nothing lasted. No big deal. It happens.
In my case, though, it just kept happening. But only because I let it. And that wore me down. I felt defeated. Bitter. Angry. I went from being the victor to the victim. I blamed everyone but myself. Poor me. Boo, hoo, hoo. Nobody understands me, so fuck the world. That was my attitude. My mantra, even. It consumed me. And strangely enough, motivated me at the same time. Mostly for the wrong reasons, but still driven with some kind of purpose.
I was sick and tired and thought I needed to make a point. Make a name for myself. Middle fingers to the world. The problem wasn’t other people, but my own twisted belief system. Somehow I let my failures get the best of me and thought I needed to change because I was a fuck up. So I kept trying to change myself in order to fit in to society and be a better person. Get a good job, get promoted and climb the ladder to success. Everything revolved around money. If I could just get my shit together and make enough money, I could get the respect I deserved.
Maybe my mind was corrupted by a lifetime of social conditioning. Society says we need to fit in or belong. Behave a certain way. Play by certain rules and obey social norms. Seek approval outside ourselves to be happy. Successful. Maybe society was right. Then why did I still feel unsatisfied?
I started to think I had some sort of mental illness. And in a way I did. I was stricken with a people pleasing disease. Trying to please others and losing myself along the way. Losing my identity. I’m not saying we shouldn’t please people or make them happy, but doing so shouldn’t come at the expense of our own happiness. It’s self-destructive and leads to self-doubt, contempt, hate, envy, neediness. A cesspool of negativity.
We can’t please everyone. And we certainly can’t please other people if we’re insecure because it shows, no matter how much you try to hide it. People sense it and think you’re insincere and fake. But if you come from a place of confidence and authority without being being a jerk, you build trust and gain respect. That confidence comes from standing firm in your beliefs, and that you have a unique talent. Something to offer the world. I was looking for that talent, but in the wrong place. I was looking outside myself and ignoring all the signs from God. My suffering was a sign to start taking inventory of my skills, my passions, what I had to offer besides trading my time for money at a job I know I’ll never be happy at.
We’re conditioned from an early age to think we have to go to school, get a job, and live out our days. That works for some people, but I always knew there was something more for me to do than live a cookie cutter life. To be a creator and not just a consumer. To give back. God knows I’ve already taken enough from people. I think God wants us to help each other and by doing so, from a place of love... not fear... we show people who God really is. I learned that the hard way. Now I’m here, doing what any self-respecting person would do, confessing my sins online to total strangers.
Seriously, though, being overly concerned about someone’s opinion of you is a waste of energy. I learned to let go of the idea that I need other people’s approval. That I need to be something I think they want me to be. Not anymore. People will like me or they won’t. Accept me or not. Sure, we may disagree, but I don’t have to be defensive, or prove my point, or force myself to behave “appropriately.” Why settle for fitting in when I already stand out by doing something authentic and genuine.
Just by being ourselves, having fun, helping others, not taking ourselves too seriously, we take back our power and position ourselves as an unstoppable, unfuckwithable force. We ruthlessly make social conditioning our bitch. Instead of seeking approval from society, just be you and accept the validation that comes with it. Making someone laugh or smile. A thank you for what you did because it helped someone who needed it. That's what counts. Let go of the rest.
My purpose is God-given, and not money driven. I see so much social injustice and social conditioning that has robbed many people of their identity. Our whole nation has lost its identity. I’m not pointing fingers because I count myself as part of the problem. Now I will be part of the solution. That starts here and now thanks to God and the suggestion of another Steemer, 
This whole idea of crypto currency is mind blowing and just what we need to disrupt the corrupt system that is in place. Corruption disruption, I like the sound of that. Anyway, I’m here to learn and contribute to the Steemit community in support of that cause. Whatever it takes. I'll soak up all the information I can, so I can write and spread the word about crypto currencey and Steemit. Thanks for having me. I'm honored to be here. Until the next post, peace out.
-Eric Morris aka Mr. Ruthless