ANXIETY. At a certain level and for a temporary period of time, it's a "normal human emotion," but for me, I had a general level of anxiety 24/7. I was actually agoraphobic (someone who fears leaving their home) for nearly 3 years, 6 months of which I only left my home for food... and to go out and get drunk.
During this period of my life, when I wasn't out drinking, I would watch a million episodes of Gossip Girl, cry a lot, feel sorry for myself, and at the time, I genuinely didn't know how to help myself.
It was because of that feeling of helplessness that I developed a relationship with alcohol. Being drunk was the only time I could numb out my symptoms, and it was the only time I felt I could feign happiness. And I actually do look "happy" in all the photos from my party years.
I also "needed" alcohol because it was an excuse for the symptoms I was feeling. Which was the underlying reason for my anxiety.
If anyone has experienced serious dis-ease or chronic illness, or even a minor injury, you might understand why anxiety often accompanies our health struggles. One minute, all is well in your world, and the next, your existence in this physical body is being threatened. It can be quite terrifying.
Any time that I would drink, I would experience neurological "symptoms" because alcohol is a toxin (DUH). And this turned out to be "perfect," as the symptoms of my illness were neurological as well. It was like drinking gave me an excuse to be feeling the way I was.
Looking back, I know alcohol did more harm than good. Obviously, it wreaks havoc on the body in more ways that one, but it also sheltered me from getting present to my illness.
The minute I got present to my illness, I understood that it didn't mean anything about me.
And that, my friends, is the moment that changed everything... But that's a post for another time.
xo,
Samantha Lynn