Hi All,

I'm Ned.

37y/o and schizophrenic. YAY!

It wasn't always this way.

I had a normal upbringing in a middle class suburb in Australia. Played tennis, practiced Taekwondo, skateboarded, bodyboarded, rollerbladed and really loved computers and gaming. I worked in a supermarket. I was always a bit of a clown, and very small for my age, which got me into a lot of trouble with bullies and teachers. That was until about the age of 16 when I reached what would be my final height - 5'11.5".

I dropped out of school, and when my dad stopped using the computer at like 9pm, I'd use it from then until 9am every night, learning as much as I could, and playing a LOT of Quake. I enrolled into a Computer Science course, but dropped out because I never believed in the concept of homework.

Anyway, from playing so much Quake and attending LANS, I made connections which lead to my first real job at about 19. I was paid to learn how to write web pages (I'd written our Quake clans website on my own merit), and then paid to learn Java.

I was also into the party scene - dance parties all night, and the things involved therein.

Then I got a new job, a long term girlfriend, and a bigger pay cheque. The years of sitting doing nothing and eating takeaway every lunch and dinner did bad things to me. I wasn't a Jabba the Hutt, more like Roy Nelson (UFC fighter).

Anyway, somehow, I got offered a contracting gig for a big search company writing Java - by the very same people I used to play Quake with again!. It was the best! I was working for phat lewt with my best friends. Our office had table tennis, a streetfighter machine, guitar hero. Every lunch was great, because you were with your close mates. The same guys you'd BBQ with on the weekends, or ride motorbikes with.

Then the company I was working at got bought out by a big player - Microsoft.

And the something started to happen to me...

Slowly... gradually. My reality was crumbling. I split with my girlfriend, the air began to "sparkle" - little visual hallucinations, I felt like my coworkers discussing exception handling were discussing how my brain was throwing exceptions at something not being right. Everywhere I looked there was a coincidence with what I was thinking about.

I was writing Java on a Mac for Linux... for Microsoft... a high-school dropout with no qualifications other than computer games and being smart. WTF? The world didn't make sense anymore.

I was one with everything and everything was one. I was looking into the matrix, and knowing that the matrix was myself. There was no paranoia, just an unease that I'd discovered some secret about reality that I wasn't meant to ever find. And with that feeling, a huge sense of loneliness.

I switched off all my electronics, and didn't turn up to work for 2 weeks. I'd ride my motorbike at 160+kmh lane splitting (like an idiot). I knew the universe would look after me - and it did, which was both a blessing and a disappointment. I'd have extreme waves of emotion, from super joyous bliss to crying misery and back again within the space of a couple of seconds. Welcome to psychosis!

Recovery

Fortunately, I was able to move back to the family home with my mother. Not a 29y/os dream, and far from the "where do you see yourself in 5 years" questions I'd answered in job interviews.

I got professional help, and was pretty heavily medicated for a couple of years, and fortunately after a year on welfare, I had some insurance come through - thank goodness.

So... 2009 was the year it all broke, and I've been putting things back together ever since.

I've not worked since then. Stress brings it back and I get anxiety in crowds. My attention span is shot to pieces and writing this piece is a product of a lovely drug called Armodafinil.

And now?

I've pieced 90% of it back together - but there is still that underlying problem, and the best way I can describe it is this:
When you're young and you realise Santa isn't real, there is no way you will ever unrealise it. Replace "Santa" with "Reality", and that's the problem I have. I've seen behind the veil - and even though I'm not presenting as sick now, I can't "unsee" it.

I'm still in contact with those guys I played Quake and worked at MS with. We talk every day, and I still consider them my best friends.

So now to distract myself, I pet my dog, I drive a mad-ass sports car (modified alot <3), play computer games, practice Muay Thai and BJJ, and tinker with cryptocurrency :P These things bring me back to the "normal" reality, crowds and socialising takes me away from it. It's nice to be enjoying things, to find passion in the world, to get excited again. It's been a long time.

This isn't a "doom and gloom" or "poor me" article. It's an introduce yourself article.

This is me.

I'm Ned.