Right you filthy lot. Theresa here, first minister of the United Kingdom, and boss of half the world. Sit up straight, pay attention and listen to me!
I've decided to come onto this smelly platform to give you all a piece of my mind, because you're all a bunch of nasty disobedient serfs who need to be whipped into shape to do as you're bloody told by your betters (that's me and my friends).
I've been told I need to increase my social media presence by Donald, the wiggy impotent fuckhead from across the pond. He reckons getting a good presence on the computery web is by far the best way to get the parasitic British working class voting for me and my fundamentalist partners (the Democratic Unionists....a weird lot, but sometimes they're useful when you want to pass a law to bring back the stoning of hunt saboteurs or you need to hide some papers with evidence of front benchers porking children at Dolphin Square).
So, I'm delighted to tell you that I will be dropping by from time to time to give you an update on how we intend to continue to rob you all blind and make you slaves pay even more for your board and lodgings, whilst removing all the essential public services that we promised you so you'd exercise your smidging of democracy that we allow you to have every five years....well, we would, except for the fact that we're going to rig the vote anyway, so basically you're stuck with me for a little while yet.
Apparently, David Davies says I can earn a top up on my £200,000 salary (plus fudged expenses of course), which should go some way to renovating my two houses. My dear Husband, Phillip, he's a bit on his arse at the moment, as his hedge fund now only controls 1.2 Trillion in assets, so every little helps. So upvote me you whaley bastards, or I'll be sending MI5 round to give you a prod in the arse with a neutron-bomb-umbrella or something.
It's taken me three fucking weeks to get this account open, which by the standards of my government is quite fast at getting anything done, but to be honest, I've spent a bit of time looking through posts by some very unwashed looking people on here, and I'm thinking I might need to put in a little call to GCHQ and get them all on a terrorist watchlist. Especially that fucking 
But it's a bit shit really, I mean, I am the sodding PM after all, and I expect a bit of respect from the dweebs who run this show. Don't they know I'm busy....I've got a bleeding war to start with that evil looking Russian cunt, I've got the bloody EU shitting all over my parade on Brexit negotiations, and that fat twat Kim Jong Un is really starting to piss me off. I don't have time for all this crap really. It makes me very very angry, and you wouldn't like me when I'm angry!!!
So, hello to you all. Now, how do I go about getting a following here? Normally I ring up that daft bellend at the BBC and get him to send a docile camera crew around whilst I tour a hospital for spastic-cripples who by rights should be euthanised, and just hope that useless, pacifist wanker Corbyn doesn't get wind of it.
Right, I'll figure it out.
Follow me for my daily musings on what I think is wrong in the world, and why I'm gonna make sure it gets wronger and wronger every day!
Bye for now plebian bitches.