I don't exactly know what I'm doing here, on this cold night of January 21. So maybe I'll introduce myself, or what I am and by the end of this post it'll become clear.
I lived my whole in a small village in of those parts of the world that never looked too wealthy or too grim.
Not in my lifetime, at least. It was truly a great example of a bottomless hole of hopelessness before I came to be and started to understand what Is. Luckier than my ancestors, deeper in shit than my neighbors to the west.
From the early age I knew I was special, brilliant and way beyond anything anyone could offer me anywhere near Here. This turned me to books. History. Foreign music. Video games. Anything my contemporaries didn't like, I found great fondness in. I went headfirst into the Fever that, in the end, would purify me of juvenile... smartassness as I call for the lack of a better word in my English vocabulary.
What exactly do I mean by that Fever? I mean the worlds I found in my books, history, foreign music and video games. Nothing in my real life was as interesting as L’île mystérieuse, I couldn't become the hero of my country's history, I would never live the love songs I heard, the success I found in video games didn't mirror in my real life. In these works I found myself - sad, lonely, too cynical for my age, already broken although I haven't really started living yet. Imaginary worlds have broken my world and dragged me to the conclusion that I am not that special after all.
I was an egocentric asshole.
And still probably am.
Since then, nothing really stuck with me. I became the deteriorating average. I never found anything meaningful to do, to love, to master, to care for.
Only thing I have now are my video games, my books, the history, my music. And what can I do with that crap when I only consumed it like McDonalds, to fill the void, without a spark of deeper interest?
And at this crossroads, when I don't know what to do with myself in this life, we meet. In this pathetic introduction, we meet.
And nothing is clear, huh?
Honestly, I didn't expect it to be. This is the nonsense I will post. Nonsense I think up every day, nonsense I kept in my drawer for a long time, nonsense about my interests, nonsense about things I have no idea about and shouldn't really stick my nose in, pathetic nonsens, sad nonsense, nonsense that will make you smirk but mostly nonsense that will make you puke.
See you soon.
This is the end of The First Transmission.