On the night of New Year’s in 2016 I made a life changing decision. I was going to quit my job and move to another country in pursuit of my purpose and individuality. As a child I was always told by my father, travel the world, you will open yourself to endless opportunities and you will find God. As a child I knew not of the importance and the deeper meaning of this comment. As an adult who has done just that, I cannot help but commend my father for his wisdom.
My life at university was not ideal. I was failing my courses, I was depressed and I lacked purpose and motivation. Weeks on end I would miss my lectures and stay at home. You’d think if I decided to stay at home and not attend my lectures I would be doing something else that does make me happy. No. I was spending all that time sitting in my room with the door locked shut, blocking out my family and friends, watching shows and on social media. I found comfort in that solitude. It was as if in that moment the reality of my situation ceased to exist and I lived through the characters of my shows. I became them in my head and for those 30–40 minutes I could escape my life and live theirs. These prolonged hours of sitting and watching my shows and binge eating is the reason why I kept putting on weight (which is another story — please see my article “4 ways to visualize yourself to success” if you want to know more about that journey).
I was constantly moody, I lacked self-confidence and I was very unhappy with myself. Why was that? What made me live a reality that made me so miserable? Well the answer lies most definitely in the fact that I was not doing what I loved. At the age of 16 I was forced to choose a major so I went for the safest option — accounting. I spent days forcing myself to believe this is exactly what I wanted. But my intuition kept telling me to take charge, it’s not too late. Take the risk, Iqra. So what if you fail at what you love? At least it will be a failure worth it. Alas, I never had the courage, I did not believe in myself enough to take that risk. I was failing at my major. That’s the thing about doing something that does not make you happy, if you are not good at it, your tolerance breaks. You feel like you are not good enough, you feel like a victim of circumstances and you continuously punish yourself with lack of confidence. That is exactly what happened to me.
The decision I made at the immature age of 16, cost me a lot of my happiness and self-esteem. I came out thinking I was not capable of doing better than C- which was the label I put on myself in anything that involved accomplishment. After being rejected from everywhere when I applied for a job, my self-label of C- went down to a D-.
Rejection, failure and self-loathing followed me and were nested in my mind. I went from being depressed to having suicidal thoughts. I finally got an interview call from a bank. My first interview after being rejected from everywhere was an epitome of disaster. My lack of self-confidence was so evident to the interviewer that they looked at me with nothing but pity and offered me a cold glass of water. Every question they asked, my mind was blank, I stuttered and stammered and just prayed for this torturous ordeal to be over. The interviewers saw this and let me go merely 10 minutes into the interview. I stepped out and broke down, I cried till I had no tears left. That feeling of physical pain in my chest and that frustration and anger I still remember like it happened yesterday. Somehow I knew if I did not let all this out it will break my soul. I cried and screamed at the top of my lungs, it felt as if the veins at my temples would pop and my eyes would bleed from all the tears. When I screamed I literally felt the frustration and anger of 3 years being let out. I was breathing it out. It was then that I realized I had wasted 3 years of my life doing something that made me so unhappy and it cost me dearly with little returns. I screamed out to God. Come and rescue me from myself I yelled. Please don’t let me suffer I have done nothing wrong. Please, God, be with me.
I should have decided to be brave and go after what I actually loved — creative writing and arts. But no, I was oblivious to what my instincts were telling me so I prayed to God for the opposite. I JUST want a job at this bank. All my other friends were getting jobs in Accounting so why not me? It was like I was trying to prove something to myself. I was letting my ego decide my fate. Turns out, if you focus your energy on getting something, you will end up getting it even though it may not be the best thing for you hence the phrase “be careful what you wish for”. I ended up getting the job but not for the role I was interviewed for.
At that point I would have accepted anything that was offered to me. So I accepted. I wouldn’t say it was the worst decision of my life, I am grateful for that opportunity for it taught me a lot. I put my mind to that job and I got it, not only did I get it; I did a great job at it. Soon, I was being commended for my work and other managers wanted me in their team — I built a reputation. A lot of my self-esteem and confidence was regained so I am thankful for that opportunity however I was still dissatisfied and unhappy.
I began to notice that I always wanted something more to make me happy. I turned to finding joy in shopping, food and other people. I was so depended on these things to make me happy that if I did not have them I felt depressed and incomplete. I became attached to them, the more I got the more I wanted. I began developing the NEED to share all my material things, all my friends’ hangouts and all my experiences on social media. It was like deep down I knew I was unhappy but if I somehow made other people think I was living a “happening life” it would change the reality of my situation. I became dependent on Facebook likes to like my life. I became dependent on snap-chat and Instagram story views to view myself as a whole. Even after getting what I dearly wished for, what I thought would bring me happiness and accomplishment, that inner dissatisfaction was the reason for my eventual wake up call.
On the night of December 31st 2015, I was left alone on the New Years’ Eve. My friends were all out travelling and so I was unable to go out and share the “NYE” stories and posts. That made me so depressed and unhappy that I cried the majority of the night. It was then that my wake up call came. What the hell are you doing with yourself Iqra? That inner voice spoke to me. All these things you seek to make yourself happy and complete are all temporary so why are you so dependent on them? Is this all you think you are worthy of? There is an entire world out there for you to discover but first discover yourself, your identity is stolen — go and find it. I began to meditate and reflect on the kind of life I had led and the kind of life I wanted to live. To this day I thank myself for that decision because it was through mediation and prayers that I realized you have to first have inner peace before you can find happiness.
My instinct told me whatever self-fulfillment or happiness or success, whatever it was I was looking for did not exist in these things. I need to travel, get away, and be on my own, I needed to make myself independent of the things I had become dependent on. That job that I prayed so hard to get — I decided to quit it and leave without any other job lined up for me where I was going. I was literally leaving security and fleeing to a world of uncertainty all because I was tired of letting my mind make all my decisions. I had let my mind make all my decisions up till now and nothing good had come of it. It was time to change my tactics. Everyone told me to at least have a job lined up for myself before I went to another country without financial security. I was either really crazy or really brave, they said. I politely listened to all their concerns and assured them I will be fine, I just knew it.
You know that burning drive in your gut, it’s hard to ignore when it comes — that’s the universe guiding you to your destiny. I did not listen to anyone, I did not cave into my fears and I wanted to shake myself. I was so frustrated with my stubbornness. Do you not know you are leaving the security of your home? What happens if this doesn’t work out? No one does that! Are you stupid? Look at everything you are leaving behind. What about your parents huh? What about all the things that make you happy, your friends and financial security? People will laugh at you and tell you “We told you so” when this fails and you return home. How will you deal with the embarrassment of that failure? These are all the things my ego made me think about but I did not listen. It was like I had gone mad and sanity had left my mind, taking any rationale and logic I had with it — I only listened to that intuitive feeling.
It was the best decision I ever made.
It’s exactly 1 year and 5 months into my experience and I have accomplished so much. I am so satisfied and happy. No I am not rich and yet I feel like the wealthiest person. I have landed a job that many struggle to get, I live in a beautiful 2 bed cozy apartment, and I have bought every bit of furniture in it. This world I have built with my own hands, brick by brick bring me so much joy every day. There are times when I just look at my apartment and automatically smile and gratitude radiates out of every bit of my being. I have not felt this accomplished and happy in my life. I am not saying I have not had help of others in building this world and yes, I have had my share of ups and downs in the process. There were difficult times but because I was doing something I was so passionate about, those difficult times seemed like minor bumps in the road. That’s what happens when you have a purpose in mind — you are so focused on the end destination that no matter how bumpy the road is, you endure it with ease and you welcome the help of anyone that adds value to your journey.
I am no longer dependent on other people to make me happy; I no longer feel the need to have money in order to be able to afford man-made happiness. My joy comes to me organically — that is through knowing I am doing what I love. If I don’t have any friends, it doesn't matter. If I cannot always afford to go out or buy that new expensive pair of shoes, it doesn't matter. If after paying rent and my bills, I only have $20.00 left over I smile and sincerely feel gratitude for being able to pay all my bills on time. I am truly and wholesomely happy.
Important lesson I learnt: Trust your intuition where possible for it will lead you to what brings you true joy and inner peace.
I recently came upon Bob Proctor’s work. He describes the concept of listening to your intuition quite well. Following is an extract from one of his writings:
“When your ego is speaking to you, the energy feels tense and contracted. With intuition, the energy is expansive and uplifting.
Here are a few simple examples that illustrate the difference:
• Intuition guides you to start a business that will help people. Ego urges you to start a business to get rich.
• Intuition guides you to release weight to become healthier. Ego pushes you to lose weight to look good at your high school reunion.
• Intuition guides you to ask a person on a date, so you can connect with someone and share your happiness. Ego pushes you to get a date, so you won’t be alone.
• Intuition guides you to buy a particular house because it speaks to your soul. Ego urges you to move forward with the purchase because you might not find another one that you like.
Although the guidance from either voice may sometimes be the same, you’ll attract vastly different outcomes depending on the intention behind your actions.
When you listen to the voice of intuition, you invite the flow of love, inner peace, and abundance into your life. When you pay attention to the voice of the ego, you invite fear, which fuels a scarcity and competitive mentality.”
Please follow the link below to the full article:
http://www.proctorgallagherinstitute.com/24913/difference-between-intuition-and-ego
“Few are those who see with their own eyes and feel with their own hearts” — Albert Einstein
I hope you enjoyed reading this and may you always let your intuition guide you and not let ego hold you back.