Sometimes I wonder, could it be just me? Or is it everyone? Why does this same thought have to keep parading my mind? Is it because of the things I face every day? I know there are other people facing worst.
But why me? Like I was embedded and dwelling inside the cave of depression, carrying the bag of failure accompanied by loneliness. why?... why is my heart so consumed with suicidal thoughts? .. dated far back as January 20th 2007 when I was through with my secondary education and just gained admission into the university to study civil engineering, then death slammed on my family’s door took away my mother (my pride) who was suffering from asthma and diabetics for the past 20years, death why?
I am the third among four children. my dad was just a truck driver earning less than he can cater for us (his children) and was been supported by my late mum before she passed away on the 20th of January2007 (a date I can never forget) not long after the new year celebration. that was when life turned its back on me and I was faced with death like it was a mirror I kept seeing myself in it.
march 24th 2007 to be precise, I remembered tying myself to a rope hanged on a tree but I woke up on a bed inside a clinic, I kept wondering what I was still doing on earth, I thought I would have been beside my mum in Abraham’s bosom. People kept murmuring and wondering why would he want to kill himself, why would he hang himself on a tree as young as I was but I was soliloquizing saying if only shame, failure and death were respecters of age, none of these would have happened.
I was 17 and I already attempted suicide twice and was saved my passer-byes and neighbors. My dad who never attended any formal education tried his best to sponsor all his children through high school and I gave him credit for that, he worked so hard that he went on loan and was indebted to so many people and organizations...
, my elder brother never cared about my father because he was in all sought of things like drugs, alcohols and was intoxicated by it and was almost in the state of running mad, he no longer knows what he was doing, my elder sister joined the gang of prostitution and I kept wondering what have I done to deserve all these?
My senior ones never cared about me, everyone was for himself/herself and I still had a younger one who was still in jss3 about to write her mock exams so as to be admitted into the senior secondary school level.
Not quite long after the death of my mum few months later my father passed away he had an accident and was rushed to the hospital, I remembered receiving a call from the clinic, I quickly rushed there only to see my dad lying helpless on the bed. The doctor called me to his office, I asked what was the condition of my dad and he told me the "cerebrospinal fluid" of my dad has broken. I don’t know the meaning of what you said I replied him, he said my "dad’s spinal cord is broken and might not be able to walk again". I wept aloud, crying till all my body was soaked with tears, he told me specialist will have to carry out an operation which will cost money, I kept wondering where I will get such a huge amount of money from. called my elder ones, they never listened to me. not long after while I was hawking to raise some money my dad died. the little money I could raise, I bought coffin to bury him and I used it to pay my tuition fee into the university. now I felt helpless no father, no mother and I had a younger one but was later in custody of my dad’s senior brother who was a farmer.
Depression felt like an ocean, constantly pulling me under the riptide. I felt like nobody cared about me, every friend I had seems to abandoned me, I am alone and scared that I will always be this way, I miss my parents the persons they were, they left me so early and am tired of these life right now I don’t want to be alone anymore. I felt sanity shipping away! Sometimes I wished I wouldn’t wake up. I lost hope, this has to be the number one reason why I felt suicidal.
March 28th 2008, on my birthday when I slipped out from the hands of death
It was in the morning, I was lost in my thoughts, thinking of my past experience, I even had to differ a semester in school because of lack of money, I felt depressed I could no longer pay my school fees, I had no food to eat, the organizations who loaned my father took possession and sold some of his properties.
The thought of killing my self-started ringing in my mind and I had no option but to pick the call. With the last cash on me I went to the pharmacy to buy some dose which I knew If I should take it, I will be done with this life. Before I took twenty steps from the pharmacy I had already taken the doses, lied on the road waiting for death to come take me, i started vomiting, screaming and crying so much I wished I was already dead, i began crying for help because of the pain I was feeling at that particular period. Inot for God my birthday could have been my death day… Thanks to a passerby who quickly rushed me to the hospital and I was rescued and saved from death. This person paid for the hospital bill, took care of me. I thank god for kayode, I will forever be grateful, may God bless him more and more. Kayode, introduced me to steemit and I joined www.steemit.com this month and since then my life has not remained the same.. I want people to look at me one day and say because of you I did not give up. Thank you for this platform to share my life experience…someone out there might read this and be changed for life. I hope this my story imparts life positively