I’m addicted to brake fluid, but I can stop whenever I want.
A plateau is the highest form of flattery.
I used to think the brain was the most important organ. Then I thought, look what’s telling me that.
It’s hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs because they always take things literally.
Time flies like an arrow, fruit flies like a banana.
The midget fortune teller who kills his customers is a small medium at large.
A soldier survived mustard gas in battle, and then pepper spray by the police. He’s now a seasoned veteran.
So this guy with a premature ejaculation problem comes out of nowhere.
A farmer in the field with his cows counted 196 of them, but when he rounded them up he had 200.
What’s the best thing about Switzerland? I don’t know, but their flag is a huge plus.
A Buddhist walks up to a hotdog stand and says, “Make me one with everything.”
What does a nosey pepper do? Get jalapeño business.
What is Bruce Lee’s favorite drink? Wataaaaah!
What’s the difference between my ex and the titanic? The titanic only went down on 1,000 people
The dyslexic devil worshipper sold his soul to Santa.
Why is 6 afraid of 7? Because 7 is a registered 6 offender.
You kill vegetarian vampires with a steak to the heart.
Two fish are sitting in a tank. One looks over at the other and says: “Hey, do you know how to drive this thing?”
“This is your captain speaking, AND THIS IS YOUR CAPTAIN SHOUTING.”
There was a prison break and I saw a midget climb up the fence. As he jumped down her sneered at me and I thought, well that’s a little condescending.
I told my doctor that I broke my arm in two places. He told me to stop going to those places.
Atheism is a non-prophet organization
If you want to catch a squirrel just climb a tree and act like a nut.
What do you call it when Batman skips church? Christian Bale.
A magician was walking down the street and turned into a grocery store.
What’s orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot.
Why don’t you ever see hippopotamus hiding in trees? Because they’re really good at it.
Did you hear about the Mexican train killer? He had locomotives.
How do you keep an idiot in suspense?
Two whales walk into a bar. The first one says, “Weeeeeooooouuuhhhh”. The next whale says, “Shut up, Steve. You’re drunk.”
How does NASA organize their company parties? They planet.
Why can’t you hear a pterodactyl go to the bathroom? Because the “P” is silent.
What kind of shoes do ninjas wear? Sneakers.
I hate Russian dolls... so full of themselves
What’s E.T. short for? Because he’s only got little legs.
“I stand corrected,” said the man in the orthopedic shoes.
Why does Snoop Dogg carry an umbrella? Fo’ drizzle.
Did you hear about the new corduroy pillows? They’re making headlines everywhere!
Wanna hear a joke about Potassium? (whether they say ‘yes’ or ‘no’): K.
What’s the difference between a golfer and a skydiver? A golfer goes *whack* “damn” and a skydiver goes “damn” *whack*
What time is it when you have to go to the dentist? Tooth-hurtie.
A baby seal walks into a club.
My grandad has the heart of a lion and a life time ban from the San Diego Zoo.
My friend recently got crushed by a pile of books, but he’s only got his shelf to blame.
I went on a once in a lifetime holiday. Never again.
What did Jay-Z call his girlfriend before they got married? Feyoncé.
Time flies like an arrow, fruit flies like banana.
Rick Astley will let you borrow any movie from his Pixar collection, except one. He’s never gonna give you Up.
It takes a lot of balls to golf like me.
I asked my North Korean friend how it was there, he said he couldn’t complain.
There’s no “I” in Denial.
Last night me and my girlfriend watched three DVDs back to back. Luckily I was the one facing the telly.
What do you call dangerous precipitation? A rain of terror.
What’s the best part about living in Switzerland? Not sure, but the flag is a big plus.
Exaggerations went up by a million percent last year.
Two fish are in a tank. One turns to the other and asks “How do you drive this thing?”
Why can’t a bike stand on its own? It’s two tired.
They all laughed when I said I wanted to be a comedian. Well, they’re not laughing now.
Why didn’t the lifeguard save the hippie? Because he was too far out man!
Last night I almost had a threesome, I only needed two more people!
I used to be addicted to soap, but I’m clean now.
What do you call a big pile of kittens? A meowntain.
I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me.
Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
Two penguins walk into a bar... which is stupid because the second one should have seen it.
You want to hear a pizza joke? Never mind, it’s pretty cheesy.
What is the difference between ignorance and apathy? I don’t know, and I don’t care.
Dry erase boards are remarkable.
What do you call a magic dog? A Labracadabrador.
Dwarfs and midgets have very little in common.
How do you make Holy water? Boil the hell out of it.
I was wondering why does a frisbee appear larger the closer it gets... then it hit me.
PMS should just be called ovary-acting.
Have I told you this deja vu joke before?
Pampered cows produce spoiled milk.
Learn sign language, it’s very handy.
I started a band called 999 Megabytes — we haven’t gotten a gig yet.
Where do you find a cow with no legs? Right where you left it.
Just went to an emotional wedding. Even the cake was in tiers.
When you get a bladder infection, urine trouble.
Nostalgia isn’t what it used to be...
I wrote a song about a tortilla. Well actually, it’s more of a wrap.
What do you call a dinosaur with a extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.
How did the hipster burn his tongue? He drank his coffee before it was cool.
I didn’t know my dad was a construction site thief, but when I got home all the signs were there.