I was surfing the net and came across a blog post on Returnloads.net instead of trying to create a blog post about the best trucker jokes they went down the route of putting together the worst. Some of these jokes are a disaster but some are pretty funny.
Have a read and if you can think of any worst put a comment
1
A lorry driver gets lost one day and as luck would have it he finds a low bridge and gets stuck under it. The cars are backed up for miles behind him.
Eventually, a police car pulls up. The police officer gets out and walks around to the lorry driver. He puts his hands on his hips and says to him, "Got stuck huh, sir?"
The lorry driver replies, "No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of gas."
2
This lorry driver goes into a brothel one day and slaps £500 on the counter. Then he says to the madam, "I want the ugliest girl in the place and a ham sandwich."
The madam of the house looks at the big wad of money in front of her and says to him, "You know, for £500 you could have the most beautiful girl in here."
The lorry driver looks at her and replies, "Listen, I'm not horny, I'm home sick."
3
I was walking down the street earlier today when a lorry driver pulled up alongside me and said, "Excuse me, I'm looking for the accident site involving a van carrying a load of cutlery."
"No problem," I said. "Go straight down this road for 1 mile, then take the first left, and when you get to the fork in the road you're there."
4
What happens when five Aldi drivers leave a truck stop?
You get ten extra parking spaces.
5
A trucker stopped at a roadside diner one day to grab some lunch. He ordered a cheeseburger, a coffee and a slice of apple pie.
Just as he was about to eat them, three big hairy bikers walked in.
The first biker grabbed the trucker's cheeseburger and took a big bite from it.
The second biker picked up the trucker's coffee and downed it in one gulp.
The third biker ate the trucker's apple pie.
The lorry driver didn't do anything or say a word as all this went on.
When they finished, he just paid the waitress and left.
The first biker said to the waitress, "He ain't much of a man, is he?"
"He's not much of a driver, either," the waitress replied. "He's just backed his 18-wheeler over three motorbikes."
6
As I was driving to work this morning, this truck driver swerved right through the traffic, cutting up the other road users before smashing into the back of a car. On the back of his truck was a sign saying, 'How am I driving?'
I thought to myself, "I've got no idea either!"
7
Why Are Truckers Like Dogs?
They piss on tires, chase cars, live in a box, and once in a while get to bury the bone.
8
Why do some roadway trucks have only one seat?
So the driver knows which side to get in.
9
A Wilkinson Sword lorry almost crashed into a Gillette truck earlier today,
Both drivers said it was the closest shave they've ever had.
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10
Researchers for the Swansea Authority found over 200 dead crows near M4 recently, and there was concern that they may have died from Avian Flu. A Bird Pathologist examined the remains of all the crows, and, to everyone's relief, confirmed the problem was definitely NOT Avian Flu.
The cause of death appeared to be vehicular impacts.
However, during the detailed analysis it was noted that varying colors of paints appeared on the bird's beaks and claws. By analyzing these paint residues it was determined that 98% of the crows had been killed by impact with trucks, while only 2% were killed by an impact with a car.
An Ornithological Behaviorist was called to determine if there was a cause for the disproportionate percentages of truck kills versus car kills.
The Ornithological Behaviorist very quickly concluded the cause: when crows eat road kill, they always have a look-out crow in a nearby tree to warn of impending danger.
The scientific conclusion was that while all the lookout crows could say "Cah", none could say "Lorry."
11
A trucker came into a truck stop cafe and placed his order. He said, "I want three flat tires, a pair of headlights and a pair of running boards."
The brand new blonde waitress, not wanting to appear stupid, went to the kitchen and said to the cook, "This guy out there just ordered three flat tires, a pair of headlights and a pair of running boards. What does he think this place is, an auto parts store?"
"No," the cook said. "Three flat tires mean three pancakes, a pair of headlights is two eggs sunny side up, and running boards are 2 slices of crisp bacon."
"Oh, OK!" said the blonde. She thought about it for a moment and then spooned up a bowl of beans and gave it to the customer.
The trucker asked, "What are the beans for, Blondie?"
She replied, "I thought while you were waiting for the flat tires, headlights and running boards, you might as well gas up!
12
While driving along the back roads of a small town, two truckers came to an overpass with a sign that read CLEARANCE 11'3.
They got out and measured their rig, which was 12'4.
"What do you think?" one asked the other.
The driver looked around carefully, then shifted into first. "Not a cop in sight. Let's take a chance!"
13
A truck driver who had been delivering radioactive waste for the local reactor begins to feel sick after a few years on the job. He decided to seek compensation for his ailment. Upon his arrival at the workers' compensation department, he is interviewed by an assessor.
Assessor: I see you work with radioactive materials and wish to claim compensation.
Trucker: Yeah, I feel really sick.
Assessor: Alright then, Does your employer take measures to protect you from radiation poisoning?
Trucker: Yeah, he gives me a lead suit to wear on the job.
Assessor: And what about the cabin in which you drive?
Trucker: Oh yeah. That's lead lined, all lead lined.
Assessor: What about the waste itself? Where is that kept?
Trucker: Oh, the stuff is held in a lead container, all lead.
Assessor: Let me see if I get this straight. You wear a lead suit, sit in a lead-lined cabin and the radioactive waste is kept in a lead container.
Trucker: Yeah, that’s right. All lead.
Assessor: Then I can't see how you could claim against him for radiation poisoning.
Trucker: I'm not. I claiming for lead poisoning.
14
Zek and Luke went to a trucking company to apply for a "Team" truck driving job. The personnel manager decided, after talking to them both that they weren't the sharpest knives in the drawer.
He decides to interview them separately. He first interviews Zek. After 15 minutes he completes the interview. Zek barely passes. Next he interviews Luke. He begins by asking the usual transportation related questions. Luke also barely passes.
The personnel manager next interview them together. He presents them with this potential problem:
Now Zek and Luke, lets say that you two are a driving team. One of you is driving the rig and the other is asleep in the back. You are going down this very steep hill with sixty thousand pounds of steel on the truck. All of a sudden your brakes go out and your speed is increasing.
What would be the first thing you'd do ?
About a minute passes and there was no answer. Then, all of a sudden Luke spoke up.
"I know, I know, I know the first thing I'd do".
The personnel manager says "yes Luke, what is the first thing you'd do?"
Luke says, "I'd wake Zek up." The personnel manager replies, "WHAT ! "Why would wake Zek up ?"
Cos, says Luke, "He ain't never seen no big accident before!"
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15
What kind of vehicle does Iron Man drive?
Iron Van
16
A painter and decorator loses his vehicle, all he could say was “Where'd my Van Gogh?”
17
Amazon Prime offers same-day delivery, then why did my parcel arrive at night?
18
A teenage boy called Joel had just passed his driving test and asked Dad when they could discuss his use of the car.
Dad said 'Ill make a deal with you Joel, You bring your grades up from a C to a B average, study your Bible a little, and get your hair cut. Then we'll talk about the car."
The boy thought about that for a moment, decided he'd settle for the offer, and they agreed on it.
After about six weeks his father said, "Joel, you've brought your grades up and I've seen that you have been studying your Bible. But I'm disappointed you haven't had your hair cut."
"You know, Dad, I've been thinking about that, and I've noticed in my Bible studies that Samson had long hair, John the Baptist had long hair, Moses had long hair, and there's even strong evidence that Jesus had long hair."
"Joel, did you also notice all those people walked everywhere they went?"
19
Truckers have been getting in trouble with the enviormentalists for animal cruelty, their trucks dont even go fast enough to kill the bug it just break their little arms and legs.
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20
A truck driver was pulled over by the traffic police. The policeman told him to get out of the truck, and noticed that the driver appeared to be putting something in his mouth as he stepped out of the cab.
Figuring that the driver was putting away his pep pills, the policeman asked, "Did I just see you swallow something?"
"Yep, that was my birth control pill," said the driver.
"Birth control pill?" asked the policeman.
"Yep, when I saw your flashing light, I knew I was screwed!"
21
A gynecologist was getting tired of his job and decided to switch careers. He'd always enjoyed tinkering with truck engines, so he enrolled in a school for truck mechanics. When the class ended the students were given their final exam: strip a truck engine completely and reassemble it in perfect working order.
The gynecologist did his best - and was amazed to find he scored 150%. "How could that be?" he asked.
"Well," said the instructor, "I gave you 50% for taking the engine apart. Next, I gave you 50% for reassembling it - a fantastic job, really. And then I gave you a 50% bonus for doing it all through the exhaust pipe."
22
How do you make 1 million pounds in the haulage industry?
Start with 2 million