Here we go again. Pissing my thoughts away to a computer. I shame it but it still works as an outlet. I don’t hang out with anyone and I don’t go anywhere so this is next best thing right? Sometimes I feel so trapped within my head, and i feel so trapped in this house. Its suffocating.
I get over it, but it takes a lot of mental stabilization. A lot of centering oneself. And if we’re being even more honest, it’s pain I self inflict on myself. I could go out and get a drink, but I don’t do it. Why? I wish i knew. Maybe it’s because I’m afraid of rejection? I’m afraid I’ll just be sitting there with no one to talk to, and just end up going home alone, laughing at myself wondering why I even tried. If I do go to a bar or some social gathering, which I do want to, it’ll have to be with a friend. Going alone seems so weird and creepy haha. I also REALLY don’t want to put myself through what I just described haha. I don’t know. Sometimes, most of the times, I just need to take a breather and realize the bigger picture. I need to get my schooling done. That’s all. If I don’t get it done within the next year, I’m done. I’m going to leave. I have to. If I want to do that, I’ll need to keep in contact with my friends in Oklahoma, and stay in contact with Hope in Oregon. I need to have connections. I also need to keep writing like this. At least once a day. I already feel better just putting my thoughts onto paper. Also, my typing speed will only get a lot better and faster, so why not. Which will DEFINITELY help with my writing assignments in college. Just need to take baby steps. One SURE step at a time. On Monday I’ll go to STC. Hopefully with mom, and get registered. One class for the summer. I don’t know, maybe two. It’ll keep me occupied, that’s for sure. One or two classes for summer. Monday. Getting registered. I don’t want to keep doing this. Working every day, bullshitting myself every single day. I need to get things done. I’ll end it at that. I guess I’ll make my journal entries on here from now on. Been a pleasure on a beautiful and late Saturday night.
April 8th, 2018