Dark comedy story
"Is he dead!?" Marvin heard someone ask, he didn't look to see who it was, Marvin was a bit preoccupied with staring at the limp lifeless body that was splayed across the couch with a needle stuck in it.
The body belonged to a friend called Danny, Danny was of medium height and had a shaved head, he was well known for being an aggressive person who got into many fight for no clear reason, he wasn't really a friend but more a friend of a friend, an acquaintance to be exact, but Marvin still knew him well enough to be shocked by what he was witnessing.
Marvin had bumped into Danny two nights before at a punk rock concert that he had gone to with his best friend and room mate Anthony, their friends band was playing at a metal bar called the Roxanne,
Danny told them that he had nowhere to stay that night, so they told him he could stay at their place, one because they had the space, more importantly because he had a bag of spliff with him. Anthony and Marvin were stoners, they'd deny it if you said it but they were.
There he lay, motionless, with a needle in his arm and dried vomit still stuck to the side of his face and parts of the couch and floor, Marvin assumed it was heroin,
I mean you wake up in the morning to find a dead guy on your couch with a fresh needle stuck in his arm that’s kinda the first conclusion you can draw, heroin overdose.
"He's really f#cking dead, isn't he?" He heard someone say again, this time he looked, it was Anthony.
Marvin met Anthony for the first time at a house party, the type of house party that made people like Marvin hate other people, loud, sh#tty techno music and fake, stuck up preppy school kid hipsters.
He was going to the toilet when he passed the room Anthony was in, he recognized the music coming from the room, it was Sweat Leaf by Black Sabbath,
he opened the door and was hit by a thick cloud of smoke, it was weed, but if I have to say that then I’m sorry but you’re a bit slow.
"Dude are you gonna close the door?" he said, so Marvin went into the room and closed the door behind him, he had forgotten that he ever needed to use the toilet.
"So what do they call you?" he asked,
"My name is Marvin, but most people call me Mars." That was a lie, no one had ever called him Mars, he said Mars because he didn’t like his name, he thought of it as a name an old man living off his pension would have.
"And your name is?" I asked.
"Anthony, nice to meet you" Anthony was a tall, lanky guy with messy, medium length, light brown hair that he slicked back, he was wearing tracksuit pants and an old warn out Jefferson Airplane T-shirt
"Dido" suddenly it dawned on Marvin that he was staring intensely at the joint being held between Anthony two fingers, he wanted to smoke, the smell was intoxicating.
"Want some?" he asked, jesting to the joint in his hand
"Ya", that’s all he could think to say.
"You've smoked before right?"
"Yes, of coarse" that was another lie, at that point in Marvin's life he was already on the road to becoming a full on alcoholic, he drank whenever he could and blamed it on an unsatisfying home life, he didn’t know if his home life was unsatisfactory, he felt that it sucked and he hated his folks, but who doesn't, all he knew was that it was a spectacularly convenient excuse to use to justify his drinking and after that night with Anthony, smoking as well, along with other stuff, but that wasn't true, he tried to make himself believe it was true, but deep down he knew that the reason he drank and smoked weed was simple, he liked it.
"Here we go man, enjoy" He said, whilst passing the spliff Marvin’s way. He held it with his thumb and index finger, like he saw them do in the movies. He hesitated at first, but that didn't stop him, he brought it to his mouth, inhaled, held, exhaled, and that was that, he was hooked.
Anthony and Marvin became good friends after that, they had things in common, they both loved heavy metal, they went out together, drank together, played music together, and they we both burnt out stoners.
Marvin eventually ended up living with him. His Grandad had left him some cash when he died, not much but enough to live off for a year or two.
Mar's was eighteen when he got into a huge fight with his mother, she gave him an ultimatum, clean himself up or leave, so he left.
Anthony told Marvin he could stay at his place for a couple of nights, that was three years ago. His Grandads’ money kept them going for a while, it also helped that they didn't pay rent,
They lived in an old abandoned apartment, they bought the key for a thousand rand from a friend of Anthony's who specialized in that field of expertise, a thousand rand may sound like a lot for a key but considering they didn’t have pay rent its a pretty good deal if you ask me.
When they ran out of money they started pawning their furniture until all that was left was the necessities, their TV, couch and stove, and when they ran out of thing to pawn they started pawning other peoples things.
"Dude are you gonna say something" Anthony said
"Like?" Marvin replied
"I don’t know man, something … anything"
"Did you know he was using heroin?"
"No, did you?"
"No, what are we supposed to do now?"
"I don’t know Mars, call the police I guess"
"We can’t call the police you moron!"
"Why?"
"Because we're living here illegally!"
"Oh yea"
Marvin walked over to the body and started examining it, the rope was still wrapped around Danny's arm like a Boa Constricter and there was a wretched smell coming off the corpse.
"Don’t touch him man" Anthony said
"Why! Why the hell would a touch him?"
"I'm just saying."
"Well don’t just say, I’m freaking out here and you’re being of very little help"
"Well that doesn't mean you need to insult me, I have feelings too you know."
Marvin breathed out his nose as if to express his frustration brought on by Anthony's sudden stupidity. He walked to the kitchen and poured himself a straight glass of vodka that he downed immediately before pouring another.
There was a long silence as the two of them just stared at Danny in disbelief.
"Ok" Anthony finally said, "If we can’t call the police then what are we supposed to do?"
"I don’t know man ..."
Marvin lit himself a cigarette and passed one to Anthony.
"This is disgusting" Anthony said, "He could have at least avoided cotching on our couch before dying, its just selfish."
"Try telling him that" Marvin said. They both laughed but it didn't last long.
"Ok, I have an idea. " Anthony said, "Why don't we flush him down the toilet"
Marvin was once again astounded by what he was hearing.
"Are you mad!?" Marvin said.
"Well I don't hear you coming up with any ideas." replied Anthony
"Ok, so tell me, how are we supposed to fit him into the toilet?"
"Piece by piece, we'll start with his hand"
"So now you want to chop him into pieces?"
"Well you still haven’t come up with anything"
Marvin paused, then he walked back to the kitchen, downed another vodka, and came back holding a butchers knife, which he passed to Anthony.
"It’s your idea so you can be the one to chop his hand off." Marvin said.
"Fine, but you’re doing the next piece."
Anthony was holding the knife above his head, ready to cut, "I think I’m gonna be sick", and with that he thrust downwards and off came Danny’s hand.
"Ok, now let’s get this over with" Anthony said
They walked out of the living room to their toilet, it was disgusting, looked like it hadn’t been washed in years. They were now standing over to the toilet.
“Ok so flush it” Marvin said.
“I’m going to, don’t rush me”, Anthony said before taking a moment to breath in heavily, then he dropped the hand into the toilet and flushed.
Suddenly a strange noise came from the toilet, the hand was stuck.
“Did you just clog our toilet with a human hand?” Marvin asked without looking up.
“It does appear that way” Anthony replied
“Ok, lets get out of here.”
“What, now?”
“Yes now, we’ll go get some food and then come back, I can’t be in this room anymore, Danny will still be dead when we get back” Marvin said
They were in a diner waiting for their food when they finally spoke.
“So do we call the police now” Marvin asked
“But I thought we couldn’t, we’d lose our home” Anthony replied.
“Yea well we can’t just leave him there forever, he’ll start stinking up the whole place!”
“Je**s Marvin, have some respect for the dead”
“I respect the dead who don’t soil my couch and leave me in the scariest most f#cked up situation that I’ve ever been graced with. Now this is what were gonna do, we’ll head back home, gather our stuff, call the police anonymously and leave before they arrive.”
“Ok man, if you’re sure.’
“I’m sure.”
They were halfway up the stairs to their apartment when they heard a sudden scream, it didn’t stop, in fact it was getting louder, they ran up the stairs to find where the sound was coming from, they stopped when the reached the door, their door.
“Do you think someone found him?” Marvin asked but Anthony was too busy trying to open the door, it opened and they both rushed in to see what was happening.
It was Danny, he was sitting up holding his hand and screaming in agony
“Your alive!” Anthony said in amazement.
“What happened to my hand” Danny said through all his screaming
“I don’t know…” Marvin said
“Ye, what type of sick, twisted, sadistic f#ck would cut off someone’s hand” Anthony replied
Danny was staring intensely at Anthony “It was you!, wasn’t it?” Danny said whilst slowly getting up.
“No...” Anthony said
“I’ll kill you” Danny said whilst pulling out a small pistol from his jacket coat with his uncut hand.
They ran, and Danny followed, they ran until they reached Marvin’s room and closed the door behind them, Marvin was struggling to lock it as Danny pushed against it with everything he had, he shot twice and there were now two holes in the door,
Marvin jumped back as one bullet narrowly missed his ear, they were now hiding behind the bed with the door still locked.
“Open the d@mn door!” Danny said
“No! you’ll kill us!”
“You cut my f#cking hand off you psycho”
“You vomited on our couch!”
“So you cut my hand off!?”
“We thought you were dead”
Danny screamed again out of anger and shot three more holes through the door, he was pushing and banging and suddenly he stopped, we all froze, someone was knocking on the door.
“Um, were a little busy right now, come back later” Marvin said
“It’s the police, open up!”
“Sh*t!, quickly we’ll go out the window” Marvin said quietly
“We’ll be right there sir!” Anthony said
“Danny, your hand is in the toilet, we’re going out the window, good luck.”
“No seriously guys, open door, please open the d@mn door!” Danny said.
But it was too late, Marvin and Anthony had escaped out the window, the last thing they heard was Danny cursing them as the police barged in to arrest them, they ran as fast as they could, down towards the bus stop, without looking back.
Images taken from Google images.
Title of story is taken from a lyric in the Alice ‘n Chains song: Junkhead.