I'll tell you folks what.
This past 2018 and 2019 startings have been one hell of a year that I'm not sure I'd care to repeat.
What's even more difficult is seeing through the thick of it all and knowing there will be a bright side once the smoke has cleared.
Like I told my aunt today - it's like I'm currently stuck in a tunnel watching the train coming right for me and I have to learn how to smash the ever loving hell out of this thing like superman in a very short amount of time and pray I stay alive.
Pray or just simply have confidence in my ability?
For some reason the latter is what pops into my head as the praying bit has lead me to ask simply for the ability to focus and trust in myself - to be free from the fear of holding myself back due to the possibility of making mistakes.
I didn't want this. I wasn't asking for it in this way.
I've put off so many things I've wanted to do for fear and now it's come creeping up and it's hitting me in the back of the head giving me no choice but to fight because running is no longer an option.
When you're pushed to the cliff edge, there's only two ways out so to speak.
The hardest part is ultimately keeping your head held high through the ordeal. For me, when it rains.... It truly pours.
It seems like the wrongs just keep coming and coming and the only choice you have is to stay positive or it will consume you.
Which can be really difficult when things are coming to a close to the point that you are truly running the risk of losing absolutely everything.
I've had many people tell me on this journey they admire my courage. They admire my drive and to stay positive.
Staying positive. That's a funny thing to say.
As if I'm not allowed to see that absolute madhouse of my life for what it is but instead must remain optimistic that things will work out.
And if they don't? Because sometimes they really don't. In which case you have no other option but to dwell on what really is going on.
It kind of reminds me of the movie trolls.
Branch, the constantly negative troll although a bit of a downer... Is a realist in the possibility of the outcomes. Whereas Poppy is constantly running on hope and belief that things will always work out. As it's a kids movie it works out, but what if things were different?
Then where would one be?
I think the reason why it went as it went in their story is because it wasn't about positivity, it was about putting the effort into make things happen. Poppy goofed up by throwing a large party that in turn attracted the bergans. Through the whole story it was problem solving and relationship that truly made the difference in the end - problem solving their way through the difficult times and creating a relationship with the very being they despise and fear the most.
In the end the bergans set the trolls free and they all became friends.
Although I don't think the same applies to my current situation with everyone in the end holding hands and singing. The problem solving and building relationship with peers may be on my side.
In the end it's not going to be the positivity that gets me through although it definitely helps, it's going to be putting the muscle where the mouth is and my family and friends behind me who have my back no matter what.
Manifestation as they say - to put in the effort and you will see effort come back your way.