I have spend my entire life avoiding how I feel about the world and everyone in it. I come from a family where on the one hand my father uses annoyance to push my buttons in exactly the right way that will push me away from him. My mother is queen of denial. And of-course I am the amalgamation of them both. So how do we deal with it all, I mean where do we begin. I have been listing to Teal Swan on YouTube. There is so much information that she puts out there that what I am feeling is overwhelming; literally that's the feeling in my heart space that I have at this moment when I think about how messed up I am emotionally and the sheer amount of work that I have in front of me in this regard. The important think here is that I am feeling. This is a far cry from my normal state of emotional numbness. Why am I telling you this. Well, as we may have heard from many sources at this point, our emotions are a compass. The way you are feeling about the things that you are thinking are directing towards a course of action. In other words you may think that basing your actions on logical thinking is the best course of action that you should be taking in you life, and I am here to tell you that kind of thinking could be dead wrong. Why is this? In my experience, I have been covering up and deeply suppressing that I am a transsexual for most of my life. There has been progress that I have made over the better part of a decade in this regard, and this is what transition for me has been about. The gradual unfurling on my authenticity which has been the letting go of all the denial and suppression of my gender variance and the way that I feel about well; everything. That the key here for me is that these feelings surrounding my gender go so far back into my past and are such a critical foundation upon which our lives are based that everything that develops from this is effected as a result. It's like a proverbial house of cards upon which the foundation was built upon unstable ground. The result is a house that can never be built upon it. This is how I feel about my life as a man. So, what can I do about it? I know that I cant keep doing the same things that I have done in the past such as denial that it is a problem and suppress the way that I feel about it deep into the center of my being like a deep dark secret that must never see the light of day. Ironically, this is what I have learned that my parents want me to do, that my so called friends want me to do, that my employers want me to do, that most of mainstream society want me to do. And so I am completely conditioned to comply with what everyone else wants even thought it's killing me on every level of my being. So, I know that I need to stop caring about what other people think of me. Once again, I know that it is a conditioned response that has its basis built upon that shifting foundation that is most of my life, but not all of it. And there lies the hope! You my friend, like myself, may be asking where to begin. I would first tell you to be open to feeling your emotions. They are trying to tell you something. Then I would highly recommend learning as much as you can from mentors like Teal Swan and Ralph Smart among many others. Definitely check out Teal Swan on YouTube here is the link: https://www.youtube.com/user/TheSpiritualCatalyst
One last thing, I want anyone who may be reading this to know that I am writing this blog as a chronicle of my personal journey. I am publishing this as a means of making a connection with others in the hopes that what I am working through can help you as well. Blessed Be!
