I just got home from meeting with a producer. Not just any producer, but a big name producer that literally holds the power to make or break my career. Scoring a meeting with this man is damn near impossible for any independent recording artist, and by the grace of luck, god, the universe or whatever higher power is up there, I was able to convince him to meet with me. It wasn't easy, but with time determination and consistency I got a chance to try to impress him.
Being in this industry exposes a lot of insecurities in a woman. Now, take into consideration that I'm transgender and the combination of transphobia and gender dysphoria becomes a whole new beast. Not only must I understandably be presentable but I must also be glam, and I have the added pressure of passing. We know that success in the entertainment is based largely on appearance.
With that being said, I took extra time on my appearance to make sure that I present myself as feminine as possible, without being overtly sexualized. I don't want to send the wrong impressions. I wanted to make a lasting impression but I also wanted to be taken seriously as a possible client, co-worker, collaborator or whatever you call recording artist/producer relationships.
So...... I walk into this expensive bougie ass studio for this meeting. Well, first I had to press this bougie ass buzzer on this bougie ass intercom and waited for him to answer, acknowledge me and buzz me into said bougie ass studio lol. I'm already in awe. I record, mix and master all of my own music in my bedroom. It was nice to see how professionals actually work. I've been in professional studios before but nothing like this one.
I came alone because I didn't want any added distractions from an entourage. Well, I don't actually have an entourage ..... BUT IF I DID...well you get the point. Plus I fully expected him to have an entourage and I didn't want to bring anyone that would add to a congested space. Plus I didn't want to have to deal with any friends or anyone that I would be responsible for. This meeting is too important and it's best that I only have myself to keep in line.
I walk into the studio and to my pleasant surprise, he was alone. He was sitting at a mixing board with headphones on. When I entered, he took his headphones off, promptly shook my hand and offered a seat on the hideous leather couch lining the wall.....
ok, can I talk about this ugly ass couch for a minute? This whole studio is state of the art and they got this ugly ass doodoo green cracked leather couch in this big ass, bougie ass studio. That shit was so out of place. but any way
We sat together and exchanged small talk. You know, just pleasantries and how do you do's. We talked a little about what I wanted to gain out of working with him and my career in general. I explained to him how the LGBTQ community is extremely underrepresented in hip-hop and how basically it's an untapped market full of nothing but potential.
He then asked to hear some of my music and that's when shit gets real.
I play him a few of my songs and he's really into it. He's vibing, I'm vibing, we're vibing together on this ugly ass couch in this big ass bougie ass studio. I'm honestly thinking that my life is about to change. I'm thinking that he loves my music so much that he's gonna produce my album, bring me to his label, get me a deal, I'll sell millions of records and become uber famous and filthy fucking rich all the while saving the world. I fantasized about eating bougie ass vegan shit with Beyonce (cuz we're best friends now that I'm uber famous and filthy fucking rich). But then he crushed all my hopes and dreams
After my final song plays, he gives me amazing ass praise. "you're super lyrical, you can be considered one of the greatest mc's to ever do it with the right exposer, I like that all your music has a message blah blah blah bullshit bullshit bullshit". He specifically praised me for my conscious sound. He compared me to Tupac and Kendrick Lemar! FUCKING TUPAC AND KDOT!!!! That comparison meant the world to me. In my opinion, Tupac is the greatest to ever bless the mic and Kendrick is a huge inspiration to me.
Everything sounds perfect, right?
WRONG!!
Now its time for him to express his concerns. He tells me that he's concerned about my brand. Well, he specifically expressed concerns about my brand translating with the LGBTQ+ community. He expressed that he doesn't think that a conscious hip-hop artist will be very marketable to the LGBTQ+ community. He said that the gays want to party, have fun, and turn up. He suggested that I do more club anthems and embrace a hyper-sexualized image. He said that being hyper sexual is the only way to get the "straight" community to pay attention.
at this point, I'm offended ...... no, I'm beyond offended, I'm pissed.
I'm also conflicted because at this point I want to cuss him out, push him out his chair, break something and steal something out of this big ass bougie ass studio. But, I can't because I still want to eat some bougie ass vegan shit with Beyonce. So instead I just sat there. But, in my mind, I called him everything but a child of God.
Like how dare this cisgender heterosexual man sit here and lecture me on what MY very own community is into. Like, how can you tell me, as an outsider, about my fucking community? As if I don't exist in this community every second of my life. On top of that, this fuck boy has a very skewed view of my community. Like, he perceives us as these brain dead, horny party animals. As if that's all we're able to care and concentrate on. My fucking community has been revolutionary since the beginning of time. Yea we like to suck eggplants and eat peaches but we're also one of the defining aspects of the civil rights movement. I guess he's never heard of Bayard Rustin, Pauli Murray, Lorraine Hansberry, James Baldwin and Marsha P mother fucking Johnson. This social and political conscious shit? We were doing this before Y'all even thought of doing this. We're true to this, we ain't new to this.
Bitch
If this meeting ended at that moment, I would've been happy.
But wait, there's more.
This slime bucket head ass dude looked at me and said "you're very attractive. You can sell sex"
Bitch
He then goes on this long-winded explanation about how sexuality is on a spectrum and how he has "experimented" with trans women in the past and blah, blah, blah, bull shit, bull shit, bull shit.
at this moment I kinda tuned him out. I was actually watching my bougie vegan brunch fantasy fade away into the cosmos. I knew when he started this cornball explanation where he was trying to take this convo and at that point, I wasn't into it.
he asked me a question which made me snap back to reality
When I snapped out of my that's so raven psychic trance, I realized that this bitch got his dirty ass hand on my thigh. I asked him to repeat the question and he asked, "do you think I'm attractive?"
Oh, he trying to fuck. I should've expected this. This is how most of my interactions with men in hip-hop go. I'm either berated for being trans or I'm dismissed and reduced to an outlet for them to stick their dicks into. I've had countless rappers, managers, producers, and A&Rs sexually harass me. But, none has ever been of his caliber. Plus this harassment isn't as aggressive as it usually is, maybe I can deflect it?
I was wrong.
I told him he was "aight" then enthusiastically jumped up and said, "well let's work on something for the club then!" I'm trying to remain optimistic.
Buuuuuuuuuuuuuut, he's more persistent than I gave him credit for. Now that I'm standing, he took it upon himself to make remarks on my body. He was attempting to compliment me but he was really just sexualizing my image. Oh and when this fuck boy "complimented" my body he also rubbed and grabbed his crotch, then said "I like em thick like you! come here, girl"
Now I know that there's no hope to be taken seriously. At this point, he doesn't see me as an artist. I'm just a big booty tranny bitch like the women that he sees in the porn he watches.
This is not how I expected this meeting to go. Then I realized all the red flags that I should have seen, and all things I should have done to keep this meeting professional. I shouldn't have come alone.
Now, I'M RET TO GO!!!!!
I made some excuse about being late to pick up my BOYFRIEND and I rushed out of there.
I cried on the drive home, then I got angry. I got mad at myself for not saying anything, for not checking him, for not cussing his ass out. I contemplated outting him as the fuck boy he is, but then I realized that, that would be dumb. I had no proof of my altercation, and no one would listen and if they did I would be reduced to a scandal. I wouldn't be the super woman, recording artist and activist that I view myself as. Instead, I would just be this tranny bitch that accused a celebrity of sexual harrassment. He had all the power.
the question that many people ask in wake of all these sexual harrassment and rape allegations that's recently been in the media today is, "why didn't you speak up sooner?" the answer is very complicated, complexed and hard to understand unless you were put in the situation. When you're facing someone that has the power to either uplift or crush your livlihood its very easy to succomb to silence of their abuse.
I don't think that I'll ever be comfortable enough outting this mans identity. I don't know if i'll ever be as brave as other women that has chosen to tell their stories, but me sitting down typing this is a start.