It is easy to get caught up in the pain and loss of life. It can cast such an enormous shadow over your life that you may start to feel like all the light is gone. A little bit over a year ago I lost my father. It was one of the worst things that ever happened to me. There is not a day that goes by that I don't spend time thinking about him and what happened.
However, he would not want me (or anyone in our family) to keep being sad and hurt day after day. He only wanted good things for us and he always took care of us. We could really ask his help with anything and he would be there. It is really difficult not to be sad and hurting for the rest of your life when you lose one of the best people you will ever know. Yet if he was here right now he would want us to smile, be happy and go on with our lives.
When it comes to feeling joy again in the face of this exact pain, I can either fake it or perhaps be able to actually feel it. This moment is coming up for me next week. The good news that I love to share is that I am getting another niece and I am so excited to meet her.
Now in in order for me to meet her and visit a bit, I would have to return to my hometown. This is the place most filled with memories of my dad. He lived there all of his life and eventually he died there. The fact is when you live far away you know he is gone. When you return to where he used to live, you see he is gone. I guess this is one of those times were I have to focus on the good, the light and the life of the situation. No doubt it will be painful to be back there, but perhaps it forms part of the 'healing' in some way.
Focusing on the good and the new life I am about to meet, is making it easier to go back. Holding my new baby niece will be proof that life does go on, whether we want it to or not, and that we can experience joy again in a place that is filled with so much pain. Nothing lifts your mood quicker than a child's smile. So not only will I visit my family, which already includes my 4 year old niece, but I will feel that exact joy of a new baby niece as she worms her way into my heart. It makes it worth going back.
When it feels like grief is smothering you and you either decide to push it down or you decide to give in to it, just remember at some point that life still goes on. New things will still come. It is possible to feel joy again even if a part of you will always hurt. Remember that you do not need to feel guilty about experiencing joy again. We can still remember the people who left, while enjoying meeting new ones. The people who are gone would want you to celebrate the joy in life. You are allowed to have more than one feeling.
I miss my dad extremely, but I also feel happy to receive the gift of another niece.
When I return there I will feel that hurt inside, but I will also be able to feel joy when I meet her.
It is possible to feel both sad and happy in the same place. Sad because you lost someone very dear to you, but happy because (as in my case) you get the chance to meet someone amazing.
Life is so short and I have learned to value and appreciate my relationships with others while I still have the time to do so.
So, in the midst of the hurt and pain I will feel being back there, I am choosing to meet 'joy' again in my hometown. I am so excited to meet the new, little, bundle of joy and I know my dad would want me to appreciate every moment.
