For years and years, I have known that I have a special gift within me, keeping it to myself and never really taking it seriously, I’d use it from time to time when It was convenient. The other times I’d just kind of be naïve and push it to the side, I guess not really understanding its power and utilizing it to its full potential. That was up until a few months ago when I decided it was time to get serious. When I decided to let go of my old ways and say YES to my new assignment.
I have always felt that I have been guided by something more powerful than myself, something standing there by my side every second of the day, guiding me to make my daily decisions… Something watching over me, keeping me out of harm’s way… Something keeping me strong and full of self-belief, when there were times that got tough and I felt like giving up…
Something so full of pure love, that I never had to feel alone.
In my last post I talked about a particular day in March. This day forced me to reevaluate everything and to delve deep within where I had not ventured before. I decided that enough was enough and it was time to throw in the towel and give up the internal fight I had been battling with myself for god knows how many years.
I have felt that over the years through my work on private yachts, I had become more flexible and not needing to be so in control of everything, I thought that I had handled life well and had it all under control. It wasn’t until now that I realized I had no idea. All these years where I thought I was ‘dealing’ with stuff, all I was really doing was covering the outside surface with a little band aid, moving onto the next chapter, hoping that would bring the change I was looking for.
August the 8th, a pretty big cosmic event happened known as the lions’ gate. It is a time where the sun and the star Sirius line up with Leo to create some pretty powerful energy. (see link below for more information) I had heard about it through a few posts on Instagram and read up briefly about it and left it at that. That night I found myself encountering another life changing event. I was laying in my bed and I received a text message from someone who recently came unexpectedly into my life and has since become a very close friend.
I thought it was just a normal message but as I read it a sharp pain came into my stomach and a feeling of being ‘sick to the stomach’ washed over me. Next thing I know I am crying uncontrollably without knowing why. It was all so strange and very hard to explain, even now I still don’t know what the fuck happened. The pain was followed by the urge to vomit and bring it all up. Metaphorically speaking… it was exactly that. I strongly believe it was my body purging all the shitty stuff from my past that it no longer was willing to hold onto. The hurt, the regrets, the self-sabotage, all the pain I had held inside and internally had been suffering from.
That night was an interesting night to say the least. I am not sure why this happened to me or how it happened, but I know that the universe ultimately had decided I needed a bit of a shove along to get me to the next stage. I had been fighting and fighting for years, hiding it all and just running away, putting a band-aid on it so to speak. Well that message although I am not able to share it had some pretty powerful stuff in there, that unintentionally, clearly hit the right note.
All of sudden the same feelings washed over me of ‘Well I am not worthy’ and ‘I am not deserving of this’, ‘This person is too kind for me and deserves someone who is able to give them back the same’. I started to panic and I started to think about shutting it all out, I was an emotional wreck unable to stop crying, unable to stop letting it all out. This was pivotal for me for I had not ‘let things out’ for a very very long time. I had always concentrated on other areas of my life and let my own feelings be pushed to the background. I am this strong independent woman, I don’t need any help from anyone else, I don’t need to open up and let anyone in because then I let myself become vulnerable and open to being hurt. I don’t deserve, I am not worthy, I do not need… blah blah blah…
Why did I always have to self-sabotage myself, why did I think It was ok to not need anyone’s help or kindness? I’m guessing it comes down to that four-letter word again… FEAR. I was scared, I was fearful, I was not used to having someone genuinely care, someone who only wants the best for me, someone who is kind enough to look out for me. I’ve clearly thought that I didn’t deserve this or I would be unable to reciprocate… However, after four long hours on the phone talking about my feelings and opening up about my past, for the first time in my life I realized that… it was ok to be treated kind by someone and it was ok to let down those walls and let someone in, and one day down the track, when the time is right, it will be ok for me to love again. I did deserve to be happy and I did deserve a beautiful friendship and I do deserve to eventually let love back into my life.
All this time I had been living like a robot, when things got tough I just built up that protective wall and moved the fuck on. Without intention, I was called out on this and I think that’s what hit home, I had always just been running, never wanting to live in the now, always thinking too far ahead and ruining any opportunity presented to me to just be happy right here, right in this very moment. It suddenly dawned on me that this beautiful person was brought to me to make me let go of my fears and to hold me accountable for always running.
So, from that day on, I’ve been really trying to make a conscious effort and trying things out, without expectation, without any boundaries, without setting any limits, just trying, and living in the now, enjoying each and every moment for what it is in that very point of time, right here, right now. So, this post for me is all about finding the strength inside of you to just surrender, to just let go, to not think too far ahead, to do everything in your power to just live in the now. Let go of that need to control, allow yourself permission to just be open and free. It’s much easier to say than it is to do, but when you consciously choose to just try to live each day, day by day, you open yourself up to receive some pretty amazing energy and things.
I can’t even begin to tell you how it has changed my attitude and my way of life. I’ve been missing out on so much because I was always looking too far ahead, always ruining my chances before it had even started, always finding an excuse, always making up a reason why it couldn’t possibly work. When in reality all I was doing, was hurting myself, building up that wall and blocking myself from pure true happiness. I have now accepted that maybe I missed out of some things, but I can’t beat myself up about it or be too hard on myself, because in those moments I was still learning, I was still developing the person whom I’ve become today. Again, it’s the old, what is meant for you will always find you and everything happens to you at the right time and exactly how it’s meant to be. We keep getting that same lesson over and over until we finally stare it head on and deal with it face to face.
I challenge you to try this too. Obviously, life just doesn’t allow us to stop and only think day by day as we all have to live and plan a little ahead, but I’m talking about the little things. Instead of over analyzing or thinking well no I can’t or no this won’t work, just take a step back, give it a try, let things happen organically without the need to control every damn thing. I promise you it will make you feel free, and you most definitely will be able to see a difference.
These past couple of months I have met some incredible people who have been quite inspiring to myself and who have come in to my life at just the right time, each and every one of them brought to me for a reason and a purpose. Each and every one of them here to teach me something I’ve needed to know to move forward on my path. I am no longer surprised by these chance encounters, instead I just smile quietly to myself as I know they have been sent to me for a reason. So now I’m living in the now, I take a step back and I just enjoy the moment and I enjoy it for what it is. I love how the universe has such a special way of bringing people together and if you remain open to receiving such opportunities, there is a whole world of happiness out there just waiting for you. When we allow ourselves to be free and live without boundaries and expectations, anything is possible.
I am so grateful for some of the most beautiful people, family and friends, new and old, that surround me in my life right now. Near and far, I feel so blessed and so very lucky to have each and everyone one of you as part of my life. I love you all dearly and although distance holds me back from a lot of you, please know I keep you all close to my heart and never far from my thoughts.
Until next time, I’ll leave you with a little food for thought, something that was recently brought to my attention from a course I am currently doing online…
‘More powerful than what you say… is what you do... But more powerful than what you do. is who you BE.’ Rah Goddess (Entrepreneurial Soul Coach)
So, from me to you… BE THE LIGHT… BE YOU!!
P xxx