A strange and slightly upsetting thing happened to me last night. If I have not yet clarified, I will now; the girl I am dating, Livi, is a trans woman. In a story I will, eventually, tell, her previous relationship happened to attempt to isolate her from the trans and queer community. This was something we wanted to rectify when we began our relationship. Livi was extremely anxious about trying to reach out, because she had a fear that the community was poisoned against her by the slander her roommates had ceremoniously dished out about her. But, it was clear she was lonely. So, I began trying to reach out to Trans friendly groups in our city to see if there was a group or community to be apart of so we could make new friends.
In a seemingly open and supportive community, I would have thought this would not be so difficult…. I was wrong.
The first group I reached out to, (which I will refer to as Group 1), which meets every wednesday to speak about feminine issues, and be able to speak openly and honestly about one’s identity. We had heard about this group before; a previous friend of hers goes frequently. Livi was interested in going and wanted me to come with her for support. I reached out to Group 1, after reading the description of their events; noting only non-binary people allowed. I explained our unique situation, of her previous abusive relationship, and her want of me coming with her for support. This was not allowed. I didn’t ask why, I just thanked them and moved on.
I also reached out to a few other groups.
Group 2; I had read the description of their group: “a group that has been created for people who identify as non-binary, genderqueer, genderfluid, androgynous, etc. This is a place where we can share our experiences, ask questions, and find support.” So I reached out, thinking possibly being at least Bi with a trans girlfriend, could at least create a gateway for her to get to events that she would be welcome to bring me if she wanted support and safety.
I didn’t hear from them for a long time. Weeks later, a message popped up into my requests inbox. They asked me about the questions they previously asked me. They hadn’t. I pointed out I didn’t get any message before that one, and it was pasted to me then. It had asked if I even read the about section of the group before reaching out. (I had.) And went on to say that the group is for non-binary people only, (Then what is the ect. for, I wondered), and they asked me if I fell into that group.
Which at first, I thought was pretty rude, I mean, I could very well be identified as non-binary or have been transgendered or transfluid. Sure I am very “girlish” but maybe I was further along in transition? Do they reach out to every single person asking them about their gender identity or was I somehow special?
Either way, I responded explaining, no, I am not non-binary, I am Bi and my girlfriend is Trans and we are looking for a queermunity to go to events and make friends as a couple; that Livi was very introvert and often wanted me around for support, and as an extrovert to assist her in approaching new people.
Their response was "I can help with that, (Group 2) is specifically for Trans people, and we are very strict on keeping it that way due to comfort and safety of members, but I am looking to see if there is a group for partners of trans people! If your girlfriend isn’t a part of (Group 3) - (a group only for trans fem people, cis-gender not allowed) or (Group 1) then she should be. Also, here is a group specific for the spouses of trans individuals!"
They also went on to message that I could still probably attend some (Group 2) events that were open, and that when it came to the spousal group, it was public, so the information could show up in friends feed’s if I commented or posted, and “WE don’t want anyone unintentionally outed!” So I could attend the meetings but not join the online group.
Which seemed extremely rude to me. I think I would be able to make the respect and judgement for myself to not out my own girlfriend. She was out, as a matter of fact, so that didn’t matter; but the idea that maybe I was foolish enough to do that to Livi was absurd and a bit disrespectful.
Which I then said thank you for your assistance, and not that we don’t respect that you wanted to keep your group to the comfort level of those involved, but rather, it was counterproductive to our search to offer us groups that separate us, and I would continue to do more looking for a group that will be more supportive of that. I had also mentioned how I did not understand how I could find out about their open events if I did not get notifications. But I excused myself and put the messages back into my request box.
I felt a lot of emotions. The short conversation triggered anxiety and depression and the paranoia I struggle with every day with my mental illness. The first thing I realized was that this was privilege. This was a situation where I was the minority, a cis-gendered, mostly straight, white woman. The fact I was excluded from a group was kind of new to me, and I realized this is what Livi deals with every day. It doesn’t feel good, and really only fueled my desire to want to find a place and a community where our relationship was respected, and we could all feel welcome and involved. It proved a valuable lesson to me.
But on the other end of the spectrum, I was pretty distraught. Every other queer couple that came to mind were non-binary with non-binary. Trans with Trans. I couldn’t name a lot of cis and Trans couples. Especially cis and trans where the cis person isn’t 100% queer. Thoughts flooded my mind:
Would Livi be better with someone who was non-binary or trans? Someone who could better understand her issues?
If Livi were to be with another Trans person, there would be a lot of issues that would be avoided, and they would be able to be more compatible sexually.
If she was with someone else, she would be able to be more accepted into those groups and have someone to go with her.
Her relationship might be more respected if it wasnt with someone who was cis…
To which Livi shut that down, telling me “I’m not an animal that has to be with one of their own kind. I can make my own choices on who I want to be with, and I love you.”
I explained my concerns, I didn’t want her to be isolated like she was before. She should still go to those groups if she wanted to, and try to make friends. I don’t want her to think I would be upset if she would go somewhere I wasn’t welcome, because I did not want to be that kind of girlfriend.
She reassured me; she didn’t have much interest in being a part of a group where I wasn’t welcome or didn’t respect that she wanted me around for support.
I’m still not so sure. These are the kind of doubts that haunt me every day. But I don’t want to be a victim. It was nothing, right? Everyone got out alright and stuck to their standards. Then why do I feel so defeated?
This isn’t about me. This is about Livi and finding people we can resonate with. People she can talk to. Her community… and my part in it. And if she chooses to find a place we can belong together, then I have to follow her lead.
Why do I feel so guilty though? I feel like I am the person preventing her from growing and making friends and being a part of something.
Ugh.
Anyway, this isn’t me dwelling, oh poor me, rather just venting. The quest continues to try and find a trans friendly community that is inclusive to all, which can offer events, support, and friendship. Who would have thought a community that prides itself on being open to all love, would shut some out? There are always more groups, more parts of the community. More.
Just keep going.
