I started learning about peaceful parenting not long after a series of events led me to change my whole way of thinking and frankly my whole life. My views, my values, and everything in between. You can read about it in my previous post. Before my change, I was parenting my then 4 year old the way I was parented. I was set on default. I was raised under an authoritarian household for the most part and that was what I knew. There is no training in school or really anywhere growing up that teaches you how to raise a child. There is the silly raising an egg lesson they sometimes do in school but come on... that was just ridiculous. Because I had no other example, I just did what I knew and didn't think anything else of it.
When I had my change, it sent me into a whole mess of research. I researched about health, politics, corruption, the environment, parenting and really everything I could. When I got to learning about alternative parenting methods, I instantly knew I had to stop what I was doing and reevaluate. The way I was raising my daughter could be damaging her for the rest of her life and it would be my fault. I couldn't live with the thought of that. We would occasionally spank her when we felt necessary. We sometimes would let her cry it out. We wouldn't let her sleep in our bed because our pediatrician told us we shouldn't. We told her she couldn't tell us "No" and practiced all of the what I call "traditional" parenting methods.
In my research, I came across this concept called peaceful parenting. It sounded so nice... so beautiful... so peaceful! I wanted to learn more. Basically peaceful parenting is a philosophy of parenting where we approach the child with compassion, empathy and understanding and try to focus on the child's needs instead of the isolated behavior they may be displaying at the time. Once the child's needs are being met, the negative behavior subsides and the child's natural desire to please the parent comes forth. I learned that my daughters display of big emotions caused reactions in me that I didn't like so instead of trying to help her figure them out, I tried to stop them with punishment because they made me feel bad. It was a protective mechanism imbedded in me that was harming the emotional development of my daughter. After I realized this.. I had to figure out how to correct it. I realized that continuing down the road of authoritarian parenting would cause her to have less trust for herself, believe the authority is the all knowing and make it much harder for her to stand up for herself and her beliefs in adulthood. I was also learning about the horrible corruption in our world, the mental enslavement many of us were victim to and knew that we needed more strong, confident adults to help turn things around. After reading as much as I could and watching videos I started trying to apply it to our lives. I quickly realized there was more than just getting the concept to making it work, it was a practice, a skill because shit, this was hard. To be honest, it was a lot easier to just shut down their emotions, correct or punish their behavior and move on with our lives. Fortunately for them, I couldn't just do that anymore. Once I learned how emotionally damaging this traditional parenting was, I couldn't go back. So I kept at it. When my daughter would have a meltdown, instead of me yelling back and reacting, I sat close to her, I held her while she cried and expressed her anger and didn't say anything. I let her work through it and just stayed there with her. I will have to say, more times than not, she would have her explosion, cry for a bit then work through it on her own. I just had to show her that I was not going to leave her or send her away because she was expressing these strong emotions.
Fast forward 4 years... my daughter is now 8, I have a 2 year old son and another on the way. Not only do we try to practice peaceful parenting, we also unschool our kids. That means, they don't go to a public school for 8 hours a day, they are here with me all day, every day. This can be exhausting and a major test of my patience when I have no break from them. I have always struggled with my temper throughout my life. I will admit, I can sometimes be a little more on the high strung side naturally even though I wish I wasn't. The reason I say we are still practicing peaceful parenting is because Im not sure if I will ever master it. I feel everyday I have to consciously make decisions and respond to them according to my values instead of automatically reacting to them based on my programming. Some days are really freaking hard. Like right now as I am trying to write this, I have had to get up about 20 times to tend to them, help resolve their disputes aka them screaming at each other and/or clean up some crazy mess that they have made. Some days get hectic for sure. This is where the peaceful parenting philosophy of focusing on their needs is helpful. When it seems they are "acting out" instead of just getting mad about it, I now automatically start brainstorming what needs of theirs aren't being met. I go down the list.. are they hungry, are they bored, did something hurt their feelings, do they feel they need more time with me? Knowing your kids on a deep level makes this evaluation process easy and instinctive. I will usually know, oh my daughter has a crappy attitude because I haven't spent enough one on one time with her lately. When I remedy that root cause problem and fulfill her needs, usually her attitude improves. It has become simple just not always easy.
I have come to an understanding in my life that one of my biggest contributions I can make to this world, is raising conscious, empathetic and loving beings that will one day make up our future. My hope is that they won't have the struggles that I did to parent with compassion and empathy, it will be natural to them. Then for their kids it will be even easier and eventually the world can be filled with loving, caring individuals. I believe much of the sociological disfunction's we have as adults stem from our experiences as children whether in school or at home. I hope to stop this cycle at least for my kids, give them a voice, let them know they are loved no matter if they are angry, sad or happy and raise them to be confident, compassionate and strong adults to better our future.
This is only written to share my experience. Everyone will have their own journey in life and in parenting. If you are interested in learning more about peaceful parenting, one of my favorite websites is Aha Parenting They are my go to for specific questions, general understands and more. Hope you found this helpful. I will continue to share our journey of unschooling, homestead, parenting and more. Stay tuned!