Living with all the "why"s and "what if"s swimming freely in my mind and often drag me into the deepest, darkest part of my brain and emotional state, I'm a time bomb. I felt the pressure of becoming the perfect friend that anybody could have but the truth is, I ended up being such a fuss one. When your friends don't get you, you wonder, are they even your friends? Then you kept quiet, pretending it's ok and act like nothing happened. But your stupid head won't stop reminding you and inviting you into discussing, do I even have any friend? In the end of the day, your friends are all you have left, so you start throwing words of unsatisfaction and share all your worries and what's troubling you, by the end of the day, you realized, you're the drama queen of the squad. With your stupid brain, you start googling the drama queen friend, and noticed that every single article is telling people how the drama queen is the acid of friendship and how everyone must avoid it. I don't get it, aren't friends supposed to offer understanding even if they don't understand as per Brault? I once encounter a friend who suddenly opens up about all his problems and how depress he felt at that moment. I don't understand but at that moment, I know, what he needed was not an advice or solutions. He needed audience. He needed somebody that he could talk to. So despite the eagerness for me to leave the crowded spaces at that time, I hold myself and just sit tight. Nodding to everything he said. Acting like I understand when most of the time, I don't. Was I in the wrong group of friends? Do I even allowed to have friends at this stage? I'm the party pooper, the mood swings, the warning sign of the group. I wish I knew how to shut the voices in my head. I think it's time for me to put boundaries. I think, I should just be with myself. Me and only myself.
