Losing another good friend recently has opened my mind over things that I have taken for granted in life. Like friendships.
I felt bad on my part because I rarely spent time with her and do things we both were passionate on. When she took on another new hobby, the friendships sort of escalated to another level. The time you both have somehow becomes scarce and slowly you both drift apart. But not in a bad way. We still keep in touch but just no time to sit and chat like we used to. And then God take her away forever.
In total, I have lost 5 really good friends in life and I am still not over from my late father's demise - even if it has been years now. And yesterday at the wake, I could not help but teared a little when I had my moment with her. Lying in there in her favorite outfit, looking swollen due to the many surgeries she has gone through, the silence is just overwhelming. From today onwards, I will no longer see her megawatt smile, hear or read her rants on social media or get inbox messages on tips.
It could have been me lying in that coffin, it could have been my loved ones mourning over me yesterday. But my time has not come yet. I still have a lot to do and I am taking each day, one at a time.
Today I have learnt to cope well, of my imperfection and expectation. I used to feel upset and angry easily when someone provokes me and pointed out my flaws, but not anymore. Life is too short and fragile to hate and to be angry for a long time. I have learnt to accept that for as long as we are still alive, we will continue making mistakes and making things right.
It takes a great courage for one to get things off their chest and then share it with you. And even more meaningful because you were kept in the dark for a while now that you didn’t realise how some of your actions have affected a friend you once had. Today this friend opened my eyes and got me reflect.
It is even more hurtful when you received a catalogue list of your faults on a chronological manner that I personally have never done to anyone. The list literally stared back at me as I reflect those moments that I offended this friend. Yes mostly were true events but my friend’s perception of why I did what I did is not entirely true. Perhaps I was ignorant of all those things this friend documented, but the intention were never ill. I took our friendship for granted that I didn't expect my friend would feel so deeply hurt and that created a gap between us that should not have been there in the first place.
Do I feel angry or upset over my friend's action? I don’t.
In fact I felt liberated and grateful. The fact that this friend cared enough to share gives me a huge blow of my as***** behavior all the while. I never thought I hurt this friend deeply. After that, I teared a little. Because such honesty is rare and the fact that this friend has taken the time to document what has happened and how it snowballed and came between us made me realized how I should me more sensitive about how this friend feels. I should have been more mindful and put myself in their shoes. Yes I was an idiot.
How I wish we both could have talk about it over a cup of coffee instead of allowing the matter to snowball because I would do the same too. If we have met much earlier and have a heart to heart talk about it, perhaps certain things could have been avoided and I probably get to know this friend a little bit more. We were both busy people, and it is my fault (yes) that I didn’t grab that opportunity to make enough time for us.
I admit that sometimes I can be careless and appeared as insensitive or less courteous. But I never have ill intention towards anyone. What you see on the surface does not necessarily translate the truth or reflects the true personality.
I have my own personal challenges too – I am far from perfect. I make mistakes, sometimes insanely stupid and costly mistakes that I have to learn how to fix it. Perhaps that is how God intended it for me to learn so someday I can share with others so they don’t walk the same path.
I am human. And I admit that sometimes I can be an ass without realizing. This applies to every human out there too. We are not perfect and sometimes we do things that we are not proud of. Sometimes we didn’t realize this and that’s why we need friends or even loved ones to keep us on our toes and keep reminding us to be mindful.
Damaged is done and though they were not intentional, I have hurt my friend deeply. I don’t expect my friend to forgive me but I hope my friend would understand that I am not perfect and have been ignorant. I have to say I don’t know what’s on my friend’s mind now reading this but being a wise and considerate person, I am sure this friend of mine needed some time to heal and move on.
There was never an ounce of hate that came into my heart now as I am writing this. This friend’s action have in fact saved me. Sure, it is a weird way to open up one’s mind and eyes, but it works. I felt a sense of relieve and gratefulness.
Dear friend of mine, If you are reading this right now, I wish to thank you for everything that you have done for me. I took your kindness for granted. I apologize if I have hurt you deeply that you felt too upset to even approach me to talk about it. Thank you for reaching out to me today and share with me your feelings and thoughts. Thank you for making me reflect and see it from your point of view. Thank you for telling me this so I can be mindful in the future. Thank you for sharing this with me so I know what is expected of me along the way. Thank you for doing this so I got to know you much better now. I wish you the best in your life as well (always did) and keep inspiring people around you. I may have lost your friendship and respect, but I hope you know that you didn’t lose mine. Perhaps this setback will make us realize how we actually needed one another to bring out the best of each other. Perhaps all is not lost. Have a great life out there dear friend and be well. Xoxo, Angie.
