Breastfeeding versus formula
When my oldest daughter was born, I actually had doubts if I would try breastfeeding or give formula to her. When her father and my best friend back then were both very clear I should not even try breastfeeding, I just went along with their opinion. And then this cute little baby was born, I started to doubt my decision. The second day after the birth, I was alone with the nurse and I told her my doubts about not trying to breastfeed her. She was very supportive and told me it wasn't too late to try. And so I started pumping my milk, and the first attempt of her drinking from me went so well, the nurse said she was a natural. I must admit that I found it hard to find the perfect angle to hold her, and I got a bit nervous when it didn't went that smooth the next attempts. Luckily I asked the nurse to take a few pictures of that special moment when she was drinking breast milk. Those two pictures are very special to me, because they would eventually be the only two I'd have from those moments.
When the father arrived he stressed me out
He was not supportive at all, and because of his attitude things didn't work out at all. He kept repeating the child is hungry give her a bottle! And at 8pm I finally gave in, and told the nurse I would go back to formula. She clearly saw what the reason was, and told me I could not go back when I was giving up now. I agreed. If the father would have been absent the rest of those hours, I would most likely succeeded in breastfeeding, because the nurse was super calm and supportive. Unfortunately I was weak and gave in. So from that moment on my oldest was fed by the bottle. Which is fine too, don't get me wrong. But I have felt regret for months in a row after that, that I was so weak to give in to his demands of stopping the attempt. My oldest grew well though, and she slept through the night since she reached the age of only 10 days!
The regrets came with powerful thoughts too
When I was pregnant with my son, I decided this was not going to happen again. Nothing was going to stop me from at least trying to breastfeed him after he was born. And I decided to not give a damn about the fathers opinion this time, and I would take my time with him if it would not be going smoothly. We could do this, I was convinced and determined to let it succeed. And so I did, we were one hell of a team, and from day one my baby boy was getting breastfed. When we arrived home, I didn't listen to the father anymore whenever there were visitors and my son needed to drink. Their loss, he got breastfed on demand, so if he was hungry I fed him, even if he had invited his family over. They could wait, or come back. I never regret this decision, and our bond was very strong.
I ended up feeding him until he was about 18 months old
And he slowly started drinking less without me interfering in his schedule, everything went automatically. When my youngest daughter was born, I was lucky that I now had a supportive boyfriend, that would stand by my decision no matter if I chose formula or breastfeeding. I chose to breastfeed her, and this time I was quite confident to get things started myself. Although I was in a lot more pain with my third cesarean due to scar tissue, I took the time to practice with her. Of course nurses walked in and out, but I didn't really cared much what they said, I would take my time and didn't need their help this time to find the good angle to hold her. And I was right, after a few hours she was drinking like a champ. I was quite proud of us that we did manage to get things started ourselves.
I was happy that I had these precious moments with her
Because the first period in her life wasn't that glorious, at least not for us. We went through hell and back because of everything that was done to us in Holland, and the breastfeeding was my way of protecting her from the big bad outside world and people. So when we left to Spain, I kept feeding her myself, and she took a bit more time to start eating fruit compared to her older brother and sister. She was very fond of my milk, and had little interest in other foods, although I did keep trying to make her enthusiastic. From the time that I breastfed her, I have maybe hundreds of precious memories captured.
But she liked mommy's milk a bit too much
And when she turned two I was actually pretty done with it to be honest, now of course at that age she also ate other things, so it was only in the morning and evening. But it bothered me that every morning when she woke up she still needed to claim me (it felt like that by then) for a long morning drink.. So I tried to make her more enthusiastic by not giving in and making her bread in the morning as soon as she woke up instead of waiting a bit (because she drank my milk). This worked, luckily.. so I had my mornings to myself for at least an hour or sometimes if I was lucky two. But I couldn't convince her to stop drinking before her nap and when she went to bed at night. It was stressing me out by now, as I really didn't feel comfortable anymore. Her brother and sister were going to bed a lot earlier and never had problems with going to sleep without me at that age. I felt it was time to cut the ties...
A few days ago I told her this would be the last time
Because I noticed it was more to do about the moment than actually drinking, I found it time to stay put and not give in anymore. I told her in the afternoon this was the last time, and I was a bit anxious about the hassle that would come that night. I made her some milk with honey instead, but she didn't drink much of it. She made a bit of a fuzz, and didn't accept me not staying with her, but I was surprised after about 30 minutes she finally turned around and fell a sleep in a heartbeat. Victory! Lol. The next morning I praised her for doing it that well, and she woke up very happy actually. I was so proud of her, and so happy for myself too, to be honest... When she took a nap, things went a bit less smooth, she tried to start demanding first, but after an hour she gave in.. And the next three moments after that it went more smooth every time. Now we need to work on the fact that she really doesn't need any of us to go to sleep, but I don't believe it's a good approach to take everything from her at once, so let's take it one step at the time. I am so happy we finally reached this moment..
Many precious moments to cherish, but everything comes to an end.. and this chapter has now been closed.. You will grow up just fine without my milk, sweetheart!
