I took enough mushrooms the other day to send me into a psychedelic wonderland but all I could picture was Ashley.
I have been gone for a while again. I normally blame my absence on work but this time it was two women who consumed my mind over the last few months. One I had been friends with for a while, Laura was her name, the other, Ashley, was a relative newcomer in my life but had been a regular customer who works for a business near to my job.
This sounds like a story where I say I cheated and lost both women right? Its not, sadly. I wish it was that simple. I could blame myself if it was. I could learn something useful from my mistakes and try to be a better person in the future. Unfortunately, its much more complicated than that. I am sure I've wronged both these girls but I feel like I am not solely to blame either.
I met Laura almost a year ago. Covid panic was strong in this city, I was lonely, I was bored, and there was nothing to go do where I might meet someone new. I thought lets join Tinder, what do I have to lose? I swiped around and started talking to a woman a little younger than myself. She was pretty in the picture and had a quick sense of humor which I liked. We talked on the phone a while but she was reluctant to meet. I tried to make plans, she would say "I don't know."
Finally, she agreed to see me. It had been two weeks of no's and finally a yes. I liked this chick too. She seemed really cool. I was happy and nervous. She said she was nervous too.
She pulled up next to my car and I could see why she had been reluctant. Her pictures were highly misleading. I don't want to sound shallow. I have a broad spectrum of what I find attractive in women. I like them skinny and "thiccc," tall and short, light and dark, fancy and ghetto but Laura didn't fall into my spectrum. She was nice, fun to hang around with, we had a good time but she was very large and, while I don't pretend to be ballerina thin myself or particularly pretty ( I'll drop a real picture of the real me below), we all like what we like and don't what we don't.
I continued being friends with her but there was a growing toxicity in the relationship. She wanted more. She loved me. I knew it. I knew what I was doing was exploitative but I was lonely and I liked the companionship even if I had no real romantic interest with her. I would fake it a little bit so as not to lose what I had with her. There is more though. She wanted to use me too, she said she had "baby fever" and I think she wanted me to be the father and that she would try to make that happen if we were together even if its not what I wanted. That doesn't mean I wasn't wrong and I made it worse. I gave in after months of making excuses and fucked Laura in a moment of weakness before she left to take a temporary job out of town.
I hadn't given up on finding someone I was attracted to and romantically interested in though and Ashley, the pharmacy girl as I called her before I knew her name, walked into my life. I had been attracted to her since she started coming to my counter on a daily basis. She was pretty and she was always fun to interact with as a customer. One day, shortly before I gave in with Laura, she tipped me off that she smoked weed and I asked her for her number.
We met to smoke after Laura left to her job out of state and a short but deeply weird, deeply intense, and deeply toxic relationship began.
Ashley was very different in the real world, away from where we work. She was a good weed smoker, she was smart, funny, open, beautiful but humble, and down to earth. She dressed revealingly. I sensed something in her too. It was something kind of dirty and I liked it. I was attracted even more.
She was taken though; freshly separated from her husband and seeing someone else. She said she was torn between those two but was thinking of trying again with her husband. Despite that, we were developing a deep emotional connection with each other. We talked openly constantly. We always wanted to be around each other. We shared extremely personal details of our lives while we ate weed cookies and rolled joints in my car at night. She left the man she was seeing and I let my desire be known. She told me no but we continued talking and escalating.
After a month, I felt like trying again. Things had changed by now. We were closer. I took her out for the evening. We went to dinner and a movie as friends. I tried to touch her leg in the theater twice but she pushed my hand away and told me no while still sitting there close to me. After we left, she invited me into her car and I made a case. I told her I knew we both wanted each other, that if we didn't, we would have gone our separate ways after the movie or that she would have told me to fuck off when I tried to feel her up. I said that maybe what we need to do is go find a place and let our pent up desire for each other out even if its just for a night. Then, I let her know that I got the sense that she likes it real fucking dirty and a little rough; that she wants her hair pulled and for me to boss her around and make her call me daddy while I'm inside her.
She didn't give me an answer but she didn't kick me out of the car either. We went to cruse around and smoke a joint. I let the silence ride as I rolled it. We smoked for a while until she broke the silence. "Okay, I do want to fuck" she said. We drove to a hotel and I found that I was right about what we both liked.
She was reluctant to have a relationship still but I pushed for one. I wanted Ashley bad. The sexuality between us was strong, we were both a special kind of dirty that complimented each other. She was nice too and sweet. She would buy me lunch and bring me treats at work. We got along. She would send me nude pictures when we were bored and apart. I began to fall in love and feel bad about still talking to Laura while she was away.
I wanted to make things official with Ashley, and I knew I needed to break it off with Laura for good but I didn't know how. I stalled and ghosted her for a few days but I finally came clean. It hurt her bad. I felt like shit but it was the right thing to do. Wasn't it? I wanted Ashley, I loved her, I thought she loved me and I didn't want to make things worse with Laura. I told Ashley what I did (she knew about her; we were open about everything) and she seemed pleased.
I told Ashley I loved her she told me she loved me too. She also told me she loved being dominated by me in bed. She said she liked being possessed and controlled and encouraged that darkness in our relationship. She gave me her location on snap so I could watch her. That was new to me. It felt wrong but it was also kind of exciting. She said that she was mine and that she liked to be marked by my cum to prove it me. She would leave her dirty thong and shredded pantyhose that she had let me tare off of her in my bed after we were together. It was hot. It was thrilling but it was also probably toxic as fuck.
To add to the toxicity, a few days later she would inevitably come back and tell me she is still torn and still thinking about her husband. I believed he is a piece of shit from everything I've heard and I was in love so I would get in her head and convince her to stay. She would say she loved again me and we would be oaky for a while.
This situation began to mess with my head though. If we are going to be together, no one can come between us. I asked her to make a choice. She said she chooses me and sent me some nude pictures but two days later she said she's torn again. I told her I can't go on if its going to be like this. She said we can't go on.
I am sad. I'm all fucked up over this now. I don't know what to think or do but things ended with Ashley this morning and I came here to write about it. I know I am wrong here. I hurt Laura but she wanted more than I can provide. I love Ashley and am deeply attracted to her but she won't allow us to be what we needed to be because she refuses to make a choice for more than a day. Both relationships were doomed, I suppose, but I can't help being super down. I have four grams of mushrooms left from the other night. I have been thinking about taking them today. I am in a bad place. The trip would probably be bad but I learn the most from the bad ones. They slap you over the head with the real reality and maybe that's what I need right now
All the images in this post except the one of me are sourced from unsplash.com