The death of a friend is always a tragedy.
Edik was a strange, but incredibly well-read man and I owe him a lot in terms of understanding this world. And recently he was gone. Edik hanged himself a few months after he was diagnosed with cancer.
Cancer is a terrible disease, the stories associated with it are always marked by the stamp of decay and hopelessness. Always, but not in the case of Edik. He remained strange to the very end, managing to fill his last days with warmth and light. Light, in which he gave me a good opening, an amazing discovery, smoothing the tragedy of parting. Now I want to share this discovery with you, but first, so that you can understand me, I will briefly tell the story of Edik.
History of one friendship
I became friends with Edick twenty-five years ago. Our offices were in the same building, mine - on the floor above and on one of the smoke breaks the paths somehow crossed.
We both love to read, which today is not so common. With Edik it was possible to discuss the latest political events or argue about the philosophical doctrines of Oswald Spengler, who frightened the world with the “Decline of Europe”.
Then Edik was about twenty. He was povuchee, more active. And at the same time he suffered from a mysterious, incomprehensible even for scientists disease - autism. Which someone does not even consider a disease, but a kind of alternative state. Autists have difficulty interacting with other people, but they may have phenomenal knowledge in some two or three narrow areas.
For example - geography. Edik knew by heart all the cities of the world - well, perhaps, except for very small, with a population of less than one hundred thousand. I could have named the capital of any state of Mexico or list all the Spanish provinces. Could call any tributary of the Limpopo, its length, in which country it takes the source.
After Edik's death, I got his notebooks with notes on the history of the Middle Ages. He wrote down the genealogy of aristocratic families, the entire notebook was erased with his beaded handwriting - surnames, dates. It can be seen that the ink is already running out of pens, and he writes everything - pushing and scratching the paper. In fact, he remembered it all. Then, if some aristocratic surname randomly popped up in a conversation, he could tell her pedigree for half an hour, from the very beginning.
The point, of course, is not only in memory. He was a phenomenally intelligent man who, in principle, could understand everything. But he didn’t want everything, and in this connection he had problems typical of autists.
Here I would like to say a few words about our health care. Ten years ago, there were drugs for autists in Russia. When Edik took these pills, he even had a pretty girl, by the way, a pretty designer. But then it turned out that some figures mix tablets for autists with alcohol to get a narcotic effect. And these drugs in Russia stupidly banned. That is, not something that began to issue a prescription, but generally banned.
For me this is not normal. Generally, if someone is ruining their health, that's his business. Well, let's say, the state decided to fight for the health of people who can not control themselves. But where is Edik? I do not understand why, because of some drug addicts, it is necessary to take pills from a person who simply did not drink alcohol.
If the state wants to fight drug addiction, then let it do it in such a way as not to create problems for normal citizens. It is wrong to deprive autists of a full-fledged, happy life due to the fact that someone somewhere uses medications for other purposes.
I also want to say about Edik that he was a saint. In the sense that he physically could not do evil. Because it did not need material success. People do evil for their own benefit. And Edik needs only a pack of cigarettes, as in the song Tsoi, and some kind of simple food. From clothes, he could buy some simple Chinese shoes and wear them until they fall apart. I probably do not know another such person, who never wished evil to anyone.
The only thing Edick could hurt was that, as an autistic person, he did not understand the feelings of other people. Could the meeting right in the eyes tell the person that he is not competent, that does not understand. So show the finger and say. But this is not from anger, but from childish spontaneity and candor. And, the main thing - somewhere behind my back I whispered, I didn’t intrigue, but simply said in my eyes what I was thinking. We, unfortunately, have become accustomed that people are smiling in your eyes, and they say nasty things behind their backs. Edik behaved more nobly, but from such his behavior surrounding with unaccustomed experienced a state of shock.
When my company began to develop, I invited Edik to work for myself as an analyst. He saved me and the company many times, saying many things that a normal person cannot think of. Probably, due to his specific abilities, he saw what he does not see others. Just because he saw the world differently, including advertising, market conditions.
Unfortunately, the last ten years his autism has progressed. With each passing day, Edward sank deeper into depression. His participation in the life of the company was reduced to brainstorming, which the sales department conducted once a week.
Between life and death
Everything changed when Edward learned that he had cancer.
Ordinary people in this situation most often fall into depression. Instead, Edward came out of depression. The pale recluse turned into a smiling, open person. He quit smoking, although he had smoked twenty-five years before. He became a vegetarian, almost ate flowers. Lost, tanned, blossomed. And most importantly - he loved to walk the streets and loved people. Everyone who knew him for a long time, saw before him a completely different person.
I remember how he came to me at 9 am on Saturday, calling for a walk. I ask why? Edik - "Well, there are people in the same place, it is so great." I can not understand - “Edik what are you saying, you are crazy. Why are these people needed? ” He - “Well, what are you, let's go for a walk soon. There are people, wind, birds. You can't stay at home if the sun is shining. ”
It was Edik, who a month before said “Why do I need a cell phone? People will call me on it, but they won't say anything good to me anyway. ” That is, Edward, being on the edge, realized how beautiful life is. And that most of all regretted that he lived unsociable all his life.
Edik was diagnosed with rectal cancer as one of the worst diagnoses.
Modern medicine in this case can only offer the removal of the affected part of the organ. After that, a person is taken out of the abdomen, and he cannot eat for two weeks, because the healing after the operation is extremely difficult. Welcome to Hell. In most tumors, treatment does not even begin with this.
Edik does not make an impression of some important person, so they did not stand on ceremony with him in the hospital and immediately put him in the ward for the dying. When I found out, I came, I transferred Edik to the elite chamber, but he still had time to see everyone. Saw a man who lies after the operation for two or three months is delirious, with a temperature of 40 degrees. And there is no chance to survive and can not die. Can't even get up.
Edik said he disagrees. Even speech can not be about such an operation, death is better. Of course, he did not give up at once. I tried all the popular folk methods I tried - I tried everything I could. After three and a half months checked, nothing helped - the tumor has doubled.
I believe that the death of Edik is another argument in favor of euthanasia.
It is not right when people should search for suicide on the Internet. After all, what happens is that we seem to be rational people, creators, but we cannot die of our own free will. We have no right, it is illegal. But who has the right to dictate to us here?
How Edick taught me to shred time
Edik's paradox is that the last four months have been the happiest for him in life. Maybe they meant more to him than the last ten years, when he left the house once a week.
And this is his state revealed to me some truth. Which many may understand, but it is important not only to understand it, but to feel it and let it pass through you. This is the only way she really begins to work in your head, and not just lie somewhere on the shelves of memory.
In fact, happiness is a subjective state, it does not exist outside of our mind. Edik was unhappy and thought about death when he was well. He had neither the strength nor the desire to leave the house. But he became active and vigorous when he learned that he was mortally ill. He walked from morning to evening and did not get tired.
Of course, Edik had this flight from the world to an extreme degree. But in essence, if we think in many ways we live in the same way - we see nothing good, do not enjoy life. And we cease to rejoice in banal wonders - the sun, sunset, dawn.
Once, on one of his last days, Edik came to me on Saturday, early, on a very sunny day. And I asked him:
- Tell me, is happiness a process? How to manage to live happily?
And he answered: - No, you are. Happiness is a moment. You can not always be happy, you can experience this state only in a specific second. The main thing is to catch her. Catch this moment, taste and enjoy its uniqueness. Because it will never happen again. This sky will never happen again, this sunset will not happen again. These people will never repeat. All this will disappear in the depths of time, overlap with billions of other moments, but if you snatch the beauty of the moment, it will stay with you forever.
After this conversation, I set a timer on my phone for every thirty minutes. The signal sounds - I stop, interrupt work, get up. I went to the window, breathing deeply, smiling. Snatch from the flow of time for a moment and enjoy it. In the evening I remember the day and am amazed - all 24 moments stand before my eyes. And each is unique, bright. I still remember half of them. As we sat, we went out to the balcony, we smiled, and we went for a walk. A feeling of philosophical sadness, thoughts of people hurrying about their business.
Just before that, I traveled to Thailand, which is called the “paradise on earth”. And I don’t have any really vivid memories from there. Having learned how to grab moments, I remembered in one day in Khabarovsk more than ten days in Thailand, which I dreamed of. And this one and only day contained more joy. I very much regret that there, in Thailand, I did not know this truth.
So I began to notice what I had never seen before. He sighed, smiled, looked at the sky, and there - the plane made a loop in the stratosphere. Surprisingly, they usually fly in a straight line. And when you start to notice such strange moments, the feeling comes that at that moment almost everything can happen, this is a cosmic moment.
Of course, when Edik was nearby, it was simpler, he died down without a second timer. But I'm still doing it now. Sometimes it does not work - I wave off the timer, but I will still put it. And in the evenings I check how many moments from the past day I can remember. And that is important - the days are longer. And that means life has become longer. Because time is relative, the length of time depends on the events with which we fill it. And we ourselves create these events. Snatching a moment, turning it into an event and the length of the day increases slightly.
So I learned to love life "here and now." And Eddie taught me that. The darkest misanthrope I have ever known. As if night taught the day to light.
Five steps to happiness
Cancer is a strange thing. Not some kind of foreign disease, but a riot of your own cells against you. And so it happened that I know people who lost to cancer and who won from him.
In my opinion, cancer can be defeated by a combination of two things. First, it is, of course, treatment. And secondly, the will directed towards a goal outside of the cancer itself. Those who set the main goal of simply defeating cancer, always died. Those who set out to defeat cancer for the sake of something else remained to live. Raise grandchildren, learn something, build something. So that the victory over cancer was just one of the current challenges towards a truly important goal.
Unfortunately, Edik did not have such a goal. Yes, probably, it is impossible to find it in three and a half months.
Most of all the last months of his life Edik loved the sun. And nature seemed to reciprocate. Autumn was uniquely warm, the thermometer rose to 20 degrees. Edik had a small abandoned area near the house where he loved to walk. So there until November 7, almost flowers grew. And the day after his death, a blizzard began on November 8, and all the places where Edik liked to be covered up were covered with snow. Nature waited for him to leave.
I would not like to slip into pathos, but now it is important for me to share with you this truth that has been taken from the boundary between life and death. Happiness is a moment. Try setting the timer for half an hour, an hour. And when it sounds - follow five simple steps. Stop, sigh, smile, look around. Appreciate the beauty of this moment, realize yourself here and now. And be happy.