The Dark Side Of Addiction Is Staying Sober

I woke up with a lot of self hatred today because I failed on two addictions I’ve been focusing on letting go. The first addiction I won’t say but I was clean from it for exactly 1 month and I’ve been doing it since I was a very little kid & the reason I failed on it is because I decided to give in to my second addiction. Alcohol.

Its not an everyday thing for me that I drink. I have slowly stopped over the years because I see how different I become when I drink. I remember being like 12 or 13 and finding alcohol in the kitchen cabinets and drinking them with my friends and filling it up with water so it didn’t look like I consumed any of it. I remember when I was in 8th grade I was on the volleyball team and I had a birthday party sleep over and some of my friends wanted alcohol so we got some and me and a few of my friends had to sit out of half of the volleyball season. I remember freshman year getting so plastered and being so hungover to volleyball practice the next day. I remember I didn’t make the team my sophomore year because of how drunk or high I got and they couldn’t put that image out to the school that anyone can come on the team even though I was really good. I remember my friends had the anthem “I Hate Being Sober by Chief Keef” for myself and at times it bothered me but I would act like I loved it. I remember carrying around a handle of vodka and drinking it all and then when that one was done, I would go for another. I remember getting so drunk I funneled three 4 Lokos at one time and throwing up everywhere. There was a time when my friends and I would see who had the highest BAC level.

Oh and then about 4 years ago slamming down about 20 beers and then shotgunning like 5 more and dumping a can of beer all over someones head, getting in a fight with my best friend at the time & running away from the house and having people come look for me. I remember just last year getting arrested and going to jail because i was so wasted and got in a fight with my mom and then I was yelling at the cops about how their under some giant spell and their IQ is lower & thats why they are allowed to be cops. I remember when i spent the night in jail someone was talking to me about the bible and god and its funny because the morning before I went to jail I was talking to the Universe about how I needed an awakening and man did it give me one. I stopped drinking after that for about 2 months and then I moved to California and again started drinking everyday with a friend.

I never want to drink, I always tell myself “no, Its not good for your body, I like you when you’re sober.” and then I go out and feel like I “have” to drink because someone else is. I know its a choice and I “get” to choose. I’ve contemplated giving it up for the longest time and I stop myself because I think about all the events I have planned and how I know there is going to be alcohol there and I don’t want to be the one sitting out of that. Although, I don’t drink everyday, not even every week or month, when I do drink, I always get a rude awakening that tells me I’m going backwards and Ive gotta get a grip on it. So yeah, the only reason Im sharing this is because I know everyone has demons they are desiring to let go of and as much great I share on social media, theres always the dark side that most people don’t share and also this helps me with accountability on my part because it is okay to ask for help and share your story. And as much self hatred I had this morning, there was another voice saying “Be gentle, its okay, you can start over” So heres to day 1 again on both habits. 🙏🏼