What It Feels Like Having A Porn Addiction As A Woman PT.2
If you have not read the first part please click the picture below to read so you understand :)
Part 1 Ending
I was 22 at the time when I finally went 45 consecutive days, no porn and I was on top of the world. I hadn't been giving my energy out to all these stupid videos, and I was keeping my sacred fluids for myself! I wanted to give that energy to someone else now, but I had gone 8 months without sex, and then what happened.. I had sex and man it was GREAT, but did I get off no. So I was like "well he didn't get me off, so I need to go watch porn to do that for me." and I know it wasn't his fault, he did a great fucking job, it was my desensitized pussy that I created from rubbing my clit so hard....
Part 2 Beginning
What did I do? Will I ever have an orgasm from a guy? Is it possible? Am I just shit out of luck? I question myself. Of course you will, its just not the time yet, maybe you just haven't met that right guy. Maybe the perfect man will blast me open and it will be the guy I want to be with for life. If no other guy can get me off then, the one that gets me off I'm sure will be the guy I like a lot, right? Thats what I thought, but I'll get into that later.
Since I knew it wasn't the guys fault, and it was more mine because of the porn I was watching and how I stimulated my brain to in a way "only get off to a virtual connection." This has kind of lead me to virtual relationships as well. There was this one guy I had been "talking" to since 2013, really amazing guy, we connected on most every level! Spiritually, Physically, Mentally - I'm not sure if the emotions were there. They may have been for me and there were times where I felt it with him but we weren't as communicative about that part and what we wanted because well he lived in Florida, while I was living in Massachusetts. Not like that really matters, all I do is travel the world, so If I wanted to make something happen I could, but I also have a fear of rejection or maybe its being hurt. Actually its both, so I try not to even involve myself in relationships anymore, which is another article for another time!
Haha, but anyways it was a really intense connection for me. Still till this day I haven't found a sexual connection the way I had with him. AND WE DIDNT EVEN HAVE SEX. I definitely still want to have sex with him, will I though, I have no idea. And here is why: He was single for the first 6 months of him and I talking, he would skip college classes to Skype me and we would talk hours on end. I decided to move to California and once he graduated college, he moved back to his hometown, which was on complete opposite sides of the country. When he moved back, he got in a relationship for 3 years! I remember the first time one of my friends told me about it, I was actually kind of butt hurt. Especially since he still continued to talk to me throughout the whole 3 years of him and his girlfriend being together. We would go days, weeks or even months not talking but then as soon as we talked that sexual connection would be right there. Maybe it was because we still hadn't fulfilled in that place yet of having sex, so a lot of energy was built up inside of us for each other.
Oh, I just remembered to mention that on our Skype sessions, there was this one time we both just couldn't handle it anymore so we had virtual sex..Is that what you call it? He got off all over himself and I was touching myself at the same time. Yum that was nice. I remember thinking, I really like the tease of this, how its not really happening but we are playing with the sexual energy from a distance, and its through a screen like porn. How cool, but in a way it actually wasn't lol because after the session all I wanted was his dick inside me, so again I went to porn, since he wasn't there. There were a couple other times this happened as well, he never really cheated on his girlfriend, and I give him props but we definitely talked about stuff and I visited a few times since it was my hometown as well, and he refused to see me because he knew something would happen, which it would have, so like I said I give him props for respecting his girl in that aspect. I always thought that he would be the first guy to give me an orgasm, because of how intense the connection was. But he wasn't.
Anyways, enough about him. That was mainly my realization that I love virtual sex and connecting from a distance because I programmed my mind like that, I'm undoing it now and attracting more guys in my physical life and not so much virtual anymore because that lead me down a rabbit hole of false connections, spiritually the connection was there, but those were just cords that were activated in the universal consciousness. In my reality, those connections weren't there. So I let it go. But I still kept porn, it got to the point where I was like, "Well I like words, why don't you read erotic stories?" I searched up writings from people about their own sex lives and they were the sexiest things I had ever read and I just touched myself as I read about it. I actually enjoy that a lot more than porn, because words stimulate my brain in ways images don't. It still takes a lot longer though because I had to read parts and it would get to the peak of the story and I would have to re-read that part over and over just so I could really imagine it happening and I also wanted to build up that energy before moving to the next line of their story. Haha this happened to me with porn as well, when I found my good part it was like, OKAY REWIND, I WANT TO GET OFF RIGHT THERE! lol thats the thing about virtual stuff, you can rewind. I like that, in reality if a guy is eating me out and it feels so good in one spot, and I tell them "keep doing that, that feels good.." they have tended to move away from the spot that I just said stay in. Why do you do that? I just told you where my spot was, fucking stay there.
So next came the point where I didn't want to read it myself anymore, I want someone else to read to me. So I put my headphones in and I listened to these stories that women would speak out loud( I like the woman voice for some reason, its more sexual and appealing) about what they were doing to themselves or what a man was doing to them, the moaning would be involved and everything and it was the hottest thing ever. I LOVE WORDS AND SOUNDS! My ears are one of the most sensitive parts on my body, even in bed with someone, if I even hear a whisper or someone bites me, I'm already shaking. Yeah, that was a really fun time period. I enjoyed that and it stimulated me hardcore.
Then I heard about this thing called Autonomous Sensory Meridian Response or ASMR. This is all on youtube, of things that people get stimulated by or aroused. It helped me a lot get away from porn because like I said above, my ears are very sensitive and it would have things like, water dripping in the video, or people whispering really low, or a brush brushing up against their arm and I don't know what it was but those sounds struck cords inside me that gave me the tingly feelings I had when I was 8 years old of seeing my first porno. It felt brand new again. It also was something so unusual to me, that I wanted to see what sounds actually made me stimulated more than others.
All these alternative sexual activities took me so much longer to get off to, than porn did, so in the end I always went back to porn because it was fast and all I really wanted was to get off in that very moment of me wanting to please myself.
2017 came, 23 years old at this time and I decided to get a sex coach, to help me unblock what was going on because I wasn't able to let go like that with a guy, and she helped me unlock a lot of things that I had never even seen inside myself about men. How sometimes I don't feel safe with them, will they support me, Do I actually like this guy, will he take care of me? These are things I have thought about while having sex with the guy, instead of actually being present with the man. During the coaching process, I met a guy I went to Mexico with and I didn't like him sexually or mentally at all, but I enjoyed that we had the same spiritual interests. He has just gotten out of a 7 year marriage and I wasn't down to even stumble into that because i know he was going through an emotional rollercoaster in terms of love. But he liked me, I kinda had to set him in his place so I told him I was polyamorous at the time (which I will get into in another article as well) and he was actually interested in hearing more. I said, "well right after you, I am meeting up with another guy I have actually been talking to for the last year and I will probably fuck him. So if anything goes down between you and I, just know its not going anywhere, except right here!"
I think that kinda backfired, because he started liking me even more and wanted to see if he could wrap me around his finger. We would go out partying together, in Mexico and to let him know this wasn't going anywhere, I would talk to other guys right in front of him. He definitely got jealous and even told me about his jealousy, and I was like Thanks for sharing, I'm glad you're honest, but I still don't want anything. But we were sleeping in the same bed for two weeks and for the first whole week we didn't do anything. And then the next week we kinda messed around, cuddled, made out. I could tell we had a very similar sexual connection because our movements were very in line with one another and it was pretty sexy. THEN I did Ayahuasca ( a plant medicine that releases a lot of trauma and blockages in the body) we had planned to do this out there before we got there. The ayahuasca medicine told me my back was out of alignment and my spine was crooked a little bit and "she" needed to readjust my body, so she did and it was so powerful. I felt very whole and aligned like I was a baby again. The next day after this trip, we had sex. And I must say it was the best sex I have ever had and he gave me an orgasm for the first time. I remember thinking, "Are you fucking serious, I get an orgasm with this guy, but not the guys that I actually like!" Goodness that sounds fucked up, but those are my real and honest thoughts, and I know exactly why I had an orgasm as well:
- Because I knew he liked me and created a safe place for me
- He didn't care about my polyamorous lifestyle
- He stared me in the eyes the whole time we had sex
- We had sex 4 times in one night, 2 of those were in the shower (Best shower sex I ever had)
- My sex coach who connected me a lot deeper to the present moment
- And Mother Ayahuasca who had just readjusted my back, which created my fluids to move up and down my spine where there were no blockages anymore. It felt like heaven.
But it wasn't just him, the next week he went back to America and I stayed in Mexico and met up with the other guy I was talking to for the past year and I had an orgasm with him as well, I was like wow that is nifty. Him and I had bomb sex a few times before and I had never reached an orgasm with him but then this time happened and I was like Hell yeah, it wasn't just that other guy, I'm never going to need porn again, until the one night him and I decided to do bondage and he tied me up and taped me up and all this crazy shit that even gave me a black eye. I was so turned on by it while at the same time wanting nothing to do with him again. I didn't have an orgasm that night. I was actually too fucked up mentally to have an orgasm that night if I even tried. I puked that night as well because of how deeply controlled this event was. I remember right after the session, I thought it was great that I got to experience that, because it was my first time, while at the same time I wondered how all these women in these porn videos could take that so much. It wasn't something I wanted all the time. Him and I even had code words if it got too much for me, and I had to say the code words a few times for him to stop and he didn't because I didn't say the code word right... "Well I'm sorry that I can't fucking breath and I can barley make sense of whats going on." He goes "I guess there is a very fine line between rape and what is okay if you have code words right? and I know this to be true, its not rape if you consent, but it definitely wasn't anything I wanted part of anymore, and I honestly didn't look at him the same, although i was the one that initiated wanting to do bondage..
I had sex with another guy that I've had sex with off and on for a few years and it was my first time having sex since the bondage happened, and I didn't have an orgasm. It wasn't that I was upset, because multiple times with him I hadn't and it was always still good. I was just wondering if it was the connection, or if it was because of the bondage. I've always been really into any type of porn, and I still like watching the bondage stuff, something about it turns me on, although I don't want to do it at the moment. I like the chocking, spitting, slapping stuff but the bondage style got a little too rough for me. But I went back to porn, again, because I wanted to have an orgasm.
Its July right now, and I haven't had sex in maybe 2 months. I don't plan on it either. I have watched porn and I think I did even yesterday..? Who knows, my days all blend together. But one of the biggest things that I notice with this is the fact that I'm still learning. I'm learning what I like in bed, and I take a lot of that out of porn sometimes. There may be things that I visually like in videos but then when it happens to me, I don't like it. So for me its fun to see the things that I actually do like. There are even times when things happen in person that I haven't witnessed in a video, and I love it so much more. Like how this guy made out with my hand while fingering me at the same time, something about that really did something to me. Maybe I'm weird lol Or maybe I'm just curious about all the different types of sex I can have and porn has showed me different things that have helped my sex life while at the same time hindered it. I had a guy the other day say I sucked his dick better than anyone he's had or he's ever watched on porn and honestly I get those tips from porn, so in a way I give props to it, while at the same time having an iffy relationship with it. Like I said I'm still learning and its okay.
Maybe its not an addiction that I have like one person 
I have a lot more thoughts on this topic, but as of right now this is what you get, I hope you enjoy. Please leave your feedback and/or comments if you have any :) THANKS FOR READING <3
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