I think that I was so scared and intimidated by my dreams for so long that I kept them to myself. I was scared what people would think of these dreams I had, I feared judgement. Although I’ve found that the older I get the less I care what people think of me. I have a few close friends, but to them I can tell anything. It’s hard to tell if someone will be an open-minded person or not. It takes time to build the trust and to relinquish the fear of embarrassment. I feel home around my two best friends. They don’t think I am crazy or weird.
Well so anyways, sorry if I ramble, but I just tend to put too many minute details into things, but I feel like it somehow gives more of a visual, you know? I’ll just dive right in. Have you ever heard of lucid dreaming? Well if you haven’t, just imagine yourself being in a dream and being consciously aware of the fact you are dreaming. You know you are dreaming and can recognize it; not getting lost in dreams about goals and aspirations or nightmares or maybe even that dream where you are falling and wake up a microsecond before you SPLAT. These are a few accounts where I have dealt with such dreams… lucid dreams I mean. I try and find ways or other excuses as to how these things happen… But, I am always left confused or worried. Anyways…
A little backstory may help. A lot of people nowadays grow up with depression and anxiety… fearing silly things, or having weird quarks, socially or just in general. A dark sense of humor and sarcasm is usually a pretense. Anyways, so when you’re young and feel these things you don’t quite understand why or how you feel that way, or how to handle it, but you do. My uncle passed away at a very young age. This was my dad’s brother and it hit him hard. He started drinking the pain away, like most are guilty of at some point in our life. I don’t blame him for anything or how he acted, mean things he said… We all hit the bottom sometimes, but it does affect the ones you love.
It makes you feel anxious about what will come, coming home in a state of mind that “Wow, my Dad is so gone… what is he going to say to me today, or blame me for today.” -taking it out on the people who have no control. It can make you feel lost and out of your own control. That’s how I felt. Growing up being told you are worthless, unwanted, a burden… I feel all too much or nothing at all. It’s like looking at the world through an invisible screen, trying to talk to yourself through glass you can see through, but that cannot be seen from the other side. That’s how I was feeling, so I always wondered if it followed me into my subconscious and created a lucidity in my dream realm. Or maybe not.
I remember one of my biggest fears as a young child was the possibility of monsters in my closet, yes, the typical monster in your closet… When I was young I slept with my door open and the hallway light on. So, I would know that there was safety near. Well, one night laying down to bed with an uneasiness in my stomach, a burning chain in my chest tugged from worry. The light in the hall radiating a warmth and safe zone in a way. The hum of my fan was always a comforting white noise for me as well. I would close my eyes each night to the comfort of these things. So, this night I fall asleep in the same routine way…
Suddenly something washes over me, I wake up, or so I think. With the fan humming in the background, I look to the right searching for the light, I see it and feel a wave of relief shudder over me. I hear a tap and I look forward from my bed, directly across from my bed is my window. As I heard the tap on the glass I see a hand, I couldn’t make it out whether it was a black glove or just dark… This was the moment I was aware I was dreaming, it all felt so real, as if I could feel myself in my own skin in the dream. I immediately pulled my Scooby Doo comforter covers straight over my head and huddled my teddy bear tight against my chest. I let out a warm worried sigh and shoved my face into my teddy bear’s fur. I can hear the sounds around me disappear along with my own breathing. I kept my eye shut tight.
