I have written many blog posts sharing and explaining what my mental illness is like. I will continue to so that others can be educated and to let the others that suffer too know that they are not alone. This post is about another one of my struggles with depression. It's my life's struggle of me vs me. I understand that makes absolutely no sense but it will in the end. I truly believe there are many other people that struggle with this also and wish others would understand it better.
Fake me
This is the person that is consumed by the mental illness. For me, it's depression and anxiety. The lies and unending thoughts that they produce are insane. They are relentless and takes everything I have to fight them daily. Even though I am able to fight off some of the thoughts, it drains me to the point that I end up being unproductive. I see things that I need to do or want to do, like writing, but don't end up doing it because I can't afford to take away some of the energy I am using in my daily battles.
It gets very frustrating every morning to wake up determined and within an hour to lose that determination. At some point daily, I get really angry living this type of life. A life that is exhausting, full of lies and unproductive. I have come along way in my life. I used to be completely consumed by this type of person but I have been able to reduce to half. It was not easy but I have been able to accomplish this and strive to get rid of it completely.
Real me
I know without a doubt that I am destined for greatness. I have a desire and passion to make a difference in the world with my words and perspective. Knowing this is possible because of the things I have overcame while the world would have expected me to fail. I am a positive, self-motivating and unstoppable person when this part of me is in control. The key word is “WHEN”.
It takes a lot for me to make the “WHEN” happen and that's where my true self is set free once it does. I am then able to feel the warmth of the sun, the cool breeze of the wind and the true beauty of nature. It's in the state of mind that I am in control of my depression and anxiety. I soak in as much of it as I can because I know that tomorrow I could be sucked back into the darkness.
Life's struggle
It very frustrating to live a life of inconsistency. One day I am able to accomplish things and then the next day not do a single thing because I am being consumed with the fake me. I have also seen the frustration from others when this happens. Having written about my depression and anxiety issues before has helped ease the struggle a little. Writing allows me to put the lies into words so that I can see exactly how ridiculous they really are.
My life's struggle has caused me wanting to just give up so many times. Yet here I am still fighting because I am determined to be the winner. I want to look back at my life when I am old, just to laugh and mock at this current situation. This struggle doesn't define me because I am the one in control and define my struggle. You are too. When someone says “The struggle is real”, they are not joking because it is. Until my next blog post... Share. Inspire. Conquer.