Yesterday I totally procrastinated; I tend to do this often. Why? I wish I knew. I guess I do know as every time I try to put my thoughts down on to paper my memories start jumping about all over the place. So when memories pop in that where meant to be dealt with and buried in the past where they are meant to stay, I start to ponder over these feeling and before you know it so much time has passed.
Today I have set time slots to get things done, hopefully this will stop the mind wandering to why I have had so many setbacks in life. I wrote about breaking free from the shackles of the past. And now here it is back. The difference now is I don’t cry, I am not feeling sorry for myself I just have to try and remember why I had to travel the road.
I am sure there are many people who would have liked their life journey to have been a little easier, I always thought why me? Then a friend sent me a copy of the Law of attraction and it all fell into place. Well most of my life journeys. I realised my life has only been good and positive when I am happy and focused. This usually happens after a time i cant get any lower, when I have no self worth, and I leave myself with a choice or so I have thought. On many occasions I opted for the easy choice, a bottle of gin with a mixture of prescribed medication mine or someone else’s.
I was 18 years old and I can honestly say I did not know why I wanted to die, I just know the pain in my heart was so so sore, I felt it would be better for everyone in my life if I was gone. My sister stayed in a high rise block of fats on the 24th floor. I was alone with my thought’s and could not sort them in my head, nothing made sense apart from this overwhelming feeling of I just want to make it all stop. I found a litre bottle of Vodka and went out to the veranda, before I knew it I was sitting on the banister rail with my legs hanging over the side with the bottle in hand.
I was sitting there looking over at the drop down swigging neat vodka from the bottle trying to get the courage to end all the fuzziness in my head. The voice kept saying go now there is no one about and you can never be saved from this, so go NOW. I was scared to jump and I was scared to live. I tried to find a reason why I should stay in this life I hated so much, the vodka was slowing my thoughts and I was able to pray to god and ask for help. I asked why I hated myself so much and why no one could love me, I wanted to know what I had done to be the idiot of the family that’s only role was to be used for everyone else’s gain. Rocking on this banister with tears blinding me still swigging the vodka, surely it was my time for quiet time.
The next thing I can remember was waking up in bed beside my dad, I freaked out and started screaming hysterically. I was not dead I was in bed with my father in my sister’s house. I ran out the front door still in hysterics, my sister and dad tried calming me down and telling me how lucky I was to be alive, that was not how I felt. The police arrived and I got to sleep in the cells till the vodka left my system.
When I got home to my mum’s house where I still lived at times, we did not talk about what had happened. I got a bath and went to bed to live in my head and try sort out my thoughts. I decided I would ask a friends sister if I could go with her to work the season in grease. I made a positive choice for me, as I could not go on with life as it was.
After reading the law of attraction I realised if I had never planned on jumping and ending my life, I would never have had the experience to live and work in another country. Not that this new journey I’m going on will be all sweetness and light but it will help build my confidence and break me away from the family I felt only used me to clean and babysit. But really would you leave your child with a suicidal teenager?
This is one of my past memories I have had to forgive myself for and find a positive outcome; I have to take responsibility for my past actions. I apologise to my family for what I put them through and also to myself for not learning to love and forgive sooner.
Picture from pixabay.com