Where do I begin?
It seems as if I'm at a fork in life, on a road that my own option paralysis has brought me to.
A few years ago I feel I had a clear path ahead of me, should I had chosen to take it. Huffing my way through various office and tech admin jobs, I finally landed a promising gig as the first 'Director of Operations' in the San Diego branch of a legit company. Being the first 'DOO' in the branch, I was tasked with the responsibility of establishing the operations center (glorified copy room) which would later become my domain. I was thrilled with the job; wined, and dined; flown out to other branches to see how they operate; and eventually I got their operations center up and running.
While I was proud of my work, my title, and being able to accomplish things within a company; my personal life and mental health was beginning to unwind.
The year prior, my mom had suffered stage four breast cancer and I had taken on a lot of responsibility with helping her manage her life, which continued to put a strain on me while taking on my new career. Within these same years I had quit a band which had been my entire life focus and passion, which in a sense was my identity, and I was struggling to figure out who I was without that creative outlet, and image of myself in my mind.
There were two impactful moments while working with that company, where my parents came to check out the office individually. My parents divorced when I was young and there's been tension ever since, making every holiday and birthday more of a problem than a celebration; Not to be a downer but to give context that I felt for once I had something to be proud of and show for myself, and when they were there, their reactions were that of almost feeling left out of the process or something. I felt like, "If my parents aren't going to be proud of me for working so hard at this company, then why should I?".
This isn't why I quit, but it did reinforce my disregard for having a title and juvenile punk-rock mentality that's soldered itself to the lizard part of my brain.
Coincidentally, on the same day we had our first big project, my best friends mother had died. About a week prior she had gone into a coma, and that was the day she was gone. Isn't it funny how life works? That night I ended up working until about 8 or so, going to meet up with my best friend, grabbing dinner with his family, going to pick up their cousin from 1.5 hours away, and then going back to work and pulling an all nighter to finish the project.
While we were at dinner, I realized it was the last time we'd all be eating together like that, and it was without his Debie. I met my best friend through the youth group at church, and was welcomed into their family from day one; and now that chapter was coming to an end right in that moment. I think that's what officially broke me.
I'd find myself staring out the 2nd floor downtown window at a bum on the corner thinking about mortality and wondering of he could possibly be any less miserable than I was in that moment, which I know is a ridiculous thing to say.
I began feeling so nihilistic at work that I eventually quit to get back to my lifelong pursuit of music, and tricked myself into thinking that was a good idea, lol.
What's funny is looking back, if I could have just worn a t-shirt and jeans to work, and not hat to cut my hair or shave, I'd probably still work there..
For the next year or so I really worked as hard as I could towards music, and establishing a small name for myself.
I taught myself 3D animation to be able to further my self promotion, which then turned onto a way to network with other artists as I started getting hit up to do commissioned animations and artwork.
I was feeling proud of myself and the work I was putting into my project. I was getting recognition and great feedback on instagram, and I felt like I had a clear vision of where I wanted to go. While that was great, it started causing tension between the 'homies'. I had always been the one to start the bands, and take care of booking, creating merch, etc.. and I think when I started my own project, I went from being an asset, to being a treat to others' egos. Any thing I would do or say become ammo for the guys I'd hang out with weekly, which after a while crossed a line into being straight up disrespectful comments and behavior, and eventually really tore me down.
It took a long time to realize I shouldn't have been putting up with their sh*t, and didn't realize it until I moved from the party house and stopped hanging out with them.
Fast forward to now. I'm currently 33 and live with my girlfriend, have no full time employment, but charge scooters which supplements as one when I'm not being lazy.
I still help my mom with stuff around her house (though that's a different topic completely which I'm sure I'll cover in another therapeutic rant in a future blog) however, she just sold it and it planning on moving to Texas to be closer to my sister, while keeping her boat out here and living here (San Diego) sometimes.
She keeps trying to sell me on the idea of moving to Texas, which she almost had me today by saying she might get a 2 acre property that I could build a recording studio on. To give a little perspective, our relationship hasn't been perfect, and having to help her around her house so much has put a lot of strain on it in recent years.
If I moved to Texas, I'd still feel like I was under her thumb and would be running errands for her all day, especially if she was paying for a studio. I'd also still have no job, and I enjoy the scooter gig out here.
On the other hand, HOW DOPE OF A STUDIO/LOFT WOULD ONE OF THESE DOME HOUSES MAKE???
In a dream world, my mom would buy that property in Texas, I'd take some time to figure out my sh*t while my crypto bags moon, and once full moon trajectory has been reached, BUILD A DAMN DOME HOME, get back to a relaxed focused state, and shred the days away. That's what I want to manifest. Is roughly a 1/4 Million $ (if not more, please) and some peace of mind so much to ask for?
Sorry for the aimless venting rant, and thanks for reading if you made it this far.
I'll keep you updated as life unfolds