My Afternoon With Doctor Sex
This is a true story as bizarre as it sounds. Even if you have had only a minor bout with erectile dysfunction (ED), I think you will appreciate the following story. Ladies, you think you go through some stuff with your gynecological exams, just imagine this.
The Ads Attract
Their advertisements appeared for a long time in the back pages of various newspapers, usually in the sports section. I guess that is where most men end up after reading the news. The ads were eye-catching to say the least.* “Forget those pills, we have the ultimate answer to ED”* – the ads screamed. Then it delivered the coup de grace – “You’ll have an erection before you leave our office.”
Visions of sugar plums danced in my head. I thought to myself, “A phone call won’t hurt.” The male voice on the other end of the phone explained the deal, of course leaving out some vital information. Low and behold, an appointment was available that same afternoon. The male voice reminded me that the “evaluation” session would cost “only” $199.
“Hum,” I thought, “That’s only a small percentage of my fixed social security income.” Reasoning that this cost was about the cost of my next order for generic Cialis; it sounded like a good deal. It was worth it to have; an analysis of my off and on bouts with ED; a penis ultrasound; and a new sure-fire solution was too good to be true. After securing my appointment for 4:00 that afternoon, it occurred to me that maybe I should check these guys out online.
Checking Them Out
On their web site, I found a video by Dr. Kevin Hornsby (that’s right his name is Hornsby) extolling the virtues of his “breakthrough” ED solution. I was a little disturbed when I saw an overlay message on the video that said, “Dr. Hornsby is not licensed to practice in Massachusetts.” However, Dr, Hornsby’s impassioned pitch tipped the scales in his favor. Besides, I thought,“Wouldn’t that be a great surprise for the wife. I’ll sneak up on her and jam my rock hard love prong all the way inside her before she can say, ‘Cock Robin.”
I took a quick shower, jumped in the car, and raced down the highway to get my ED fixed and to get my penis professionally “evaluated.”
The Initial Examination and Evaluation
After being ensconced on an examining table, the doctor came in with an air of extreme professionalism. He asked me to pull down my pants so he could examine my penis. My total lack of modesty (not even any false modesty), surprised me. Grasping my flaccid penis with one hand (sorry ladies, I’m not a two-hander), he applied the listening device with the other hand. Suddenly, the room filled with the familiar and welcome klickety, klack, klack sound of blood cells coursing through my penis.
“Looks like we have plenty of blood flow through the penis.” The Doctor said, in a matter of fact manner.
“That’s great.” I said, feeling relieved that my penis ultrasound test showed positive results.
“A technician will be with you in a minute.” The doctor said as he exited the room.
“Hi, my name is Pete.” The technician said as he did a visual inspection of my penis.
“Hi Pete.” I said.
“Does that foreskin pull back?” He asked for some unknown reason, as he pulled it back to see for himself.
“Yes, it does.” I said proudly.“No circumcision for this kid.” I thought.
“Do you have any allergies to drugs that you know of?” He asked perfunctorily, as he applied an alcohol swab to both sides of my now apprehensive penis.
”Nobody said anything about a shot.” I whined.
Picking an injection site on the side of my penis, the technician injected something into it, using a strange looking syringe-type device.
“You’ll just feel a little pinch.” The technician said after the fact. “This will take about ten minutes to work. Someone will come in to check on the results.”
During the wait for the next technician, my agile mind seized on an intriguing question – what are the technician’s official titles?
Is it Penis Technician? Or is it like the army – Technician, Penis First Class? Maybe it’s Head Penis Technician? Hopefully, it’s not something like “Dick Guy” or “Prick Guy?”
Moreover, what is the job description? I think you see where this is going. I’ll let you fill in the blanks.
Sam, the next technician, who came in to check on my progress, interrupted my mental diarrhea. Placing his hand on my penis and squeezing, we both noticed there was indeed some activity. Old Glory was on the rise, “Hallelujah!!”
“Hmmm, it’s about sixty-percent.” The second technician mused as he left the room. “I’ll send Doctor Jones in, in just a minute.”
Dr. Sales
Like a flash of lightening, Doctor Jones (Whom I prefer to call Dr. Sales) breezed into the room and sat down. It took only two minutes for Doctor Whatever-His-Name Was, to transform into Doctor Sales.
“I see we have about a 60% erection.” Dr. Sales said.
“Yes.” I acknowledged, not quite sure how to measure a sixty-percenter.
“We made it only sixty-percent, because we see people during the day, and we don’t want to send them back to work with a hard on.” Dr. Sales explained.
“Too much information.” I thought as Dr. Sales pulled out one of those strange injection devices I had seen earlier.
“I’m going to show you exactly how to use this injection device and answer any questions you may have. I want you to listen very carefully.” Dr. Sales talked me through a rapid-fire demo of how to use the injection device. Then he launched into his marketing pitch on why his Company’s approach was so much better than the “pills.”
As he talked, I noticed he was jotting down some numbers on his clipboard, which was suspiciously arranged so that I could see the numbers. He started with 199, the price of the “evaluation.” Then he jotted down the number 5,675, while assuring me that my first month’s shipment of the wonder drug “would be on my doorstep by next Tuesday.”
As he proceeded with his story, I thought about the numbers he had let me see. I said to myself, “He is going to do what the Internet guys do. He’ll show me those big numbers and then he’ll reduce them to an affordable amount, I will place an order, and get the hell out of here.”
The Numbers Added Up
To my shock and dismay, that wasn’t the game that Dr. Sales was running. He added up the numbers, put dollar signs on them, and asked me how I wanted to take care of the $6,200 payment.
Just Bring Money
“What?” I said. “I had no idea we were talking about that kind of money.” I whined loudly.
Dr. Sales explained (and it’s still not clear to me) that their policy was to have patients pay upfront for a year’s supply of the medication, and they would ship it on a monthly basis. He asked if I had secondary insurance, though he wasn’t sure they would cover it anyway. Then he offered me a three-payment plan, which was still out of reach for me. When we couldn’t make any kind of deal, they swiftly ushered me out of the building.
By the time, I settled into my car, I became aware of another problem. My plan had been to surprise my wife one night with my newfound capabilities, but that wasn’t to be. My pants were at half-mast, the wonder drug had not worn off. The more I drove, it seemed, the more erect my penis became. I didn’t know what to do. Since I was in the area, I decided the only thing I could do was to drive to my mother-in-law’s house. I wanted to see my wife, who was spending the weekend there taking care of her elderly mother.
I rang my wife on my cell phone after I pulled into the driveway.
“Hi Hon.” I said, “Are you busy?”
“No, why?” She said.
“I’m outside in the driveway.”
“What a pleasant surprise. I didn’t expect to see you.”
“I didn’t expect to be here either. I have a problem. Could you please come outside?”
“Outside? What’s wrong?”
“Just come outside and I’ll show you.” I pleaded
Exposed
As she approached my car, her face was flushed and quite excited. I got out, and stood proudly, so that she could see my dilemma.
“Oh my God! What is that?” She asked with excited disbelief.
“That, my dear, is a bona fide hard on.”
Completely unable to resist the urge, she grabbed my hard penis and began to squeeze it with an expansive look of pure pleasure and delight on her face. “My, my, are you glad to see me or what?” she purred.
That’s when I told her the whole story of my visit with Dr. Sex. She burst out laughing hysterically.
“I can’t go into your mother’s living room like this.”
“Maybe if we stand and talk for a while, your dick will go down.” She said.
Thirty minutes later, it had reached the point where, if I discretely bent over, I could negotiate the living room without attracting too much attention. I decided to go for it.
Bring Dollars
Today, as I sit here after taking my trusty Cialis pill, it gives me great comfort to know that somewhere there is a $6,000 ED solution. If I ever hit the lottery, I know where my first $6,000 is going. They promised to give me a $199 credit.
It Is Only a Matter of Money
Yes Minerva, there is an ED solution out there somewhere; one only has to bring lots of money.
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