So long it has been since one has touched me like that,
Sultry and sweet, not half-hearted and flat.
You want not a moment of hurried release,
But unending fulfillment that never will cease.
The way you caress me, I desire for more,
Your longing and want are deep and obscure.
No other can make me so breathless and willing,
I'm enamored by feelings so utterly thrilling.
You know just how to kiss me, I shake with delight,
Your uneven breathing is enough to excite.
Tantalizing, intoxicating, immensely sublime,
This beautiful void within no space or time.
You wistfully whisper, I writhe and concede,
Relinquishing all to this smoldering need.
I wrote this in 2014 when I was in the middle of a long period of celibacy (about 4 years). Being a childhood sexual assualt #survivor, someone who grew up in "the church" and as a woman, I have been underhandedly conditioned to believe that sex is evil, sinful, dirty, bad, dangerous, only meant for reproduction, should never be discussed, must be hidden, and so on. These views are not mine, this script was given to me by default and I do the work everyday to challenge it, to normalize #female #sexuality, to own my story and empower women to take theirs back too. I have, for so long, been learning to have a healthy relationship with sexuality... with myself and with my partners. This includes self and mutual respect, a sense of safety, open and honest communication, self-awareness, trust, letting go, giving myself over to pleasure, de-armoring places in my body that are holding physical, emotional and psychological shame, pain, or fear, and having compassion with myself and my partner for anything and everything that comes up between us.
It's the work of realizing I'm worthy of experiencing pleasure and having transformative, healing, fully embodied sexual experiences simply because it's my right to. It's also the work of dismantling the collective wounding around sexuality that's been passed down to me, it's the hard labor of forgiving the men in my life who have also been conditioned, including and especially my perpetrator. And what's most difficult perhaps is forgiving myself and accepting all of me even when society tells me I'm wrong.
I've been promiscuous, I've cheated (sexually and emotionally) on people I cared about, I've gone years without relationship or sexual contact, I'm bisexual, I'm constantly changing my preferences and deepening my understanding of what it means to be primal and also spiritual in my sexual exploration. I have The Madonna and the whore inside me. Being human means we have an entire lifetime of trying to embrace these paradoxes and conradictions within us. It means that both our desires and our ability to choose which ones we indulge are ours to claim. Both our bliss and our aggravation at not being able to go deeper at a particular time are beautiful and have so much to teach us if we let it. Both the tension of our holding patterns from stored trauma and our eventual and long awaited release are glorious in their own way.
I'm still really uncomfortable sharing this part of my life but I am committed to ending the shame, silence and stigma around female sexuality, sexual assault of all kinds, gender and sexual fluidity, and rape culture. And I want to take a stand against slut shaming. If we were all having mature conversations about sex I think the world would be a very different place. Not only because sex is natural but also because it has the potential to be incredibly healing and can take us through various layers of consciousness. #tantra
Of course we have to be doing our work outside the bedroom too and must have a certain level of wisdom and presence in order for this to be so.
But isn't this the case with anything? Using plant medicine, starting a yoga practice, meditation, cocao ceremonies for example. There must be a genuine desire for any of these things to bring us deeper into the sacredness of life... into our own bodies, into our breath, into the moment, into whatever presents itself. When any of these things become tools to escape life or spiritually bypass our humanness, to hide who we really or run from what we're really feeling, it's no longer healthy and it's no longer serving our evolution.
Sex can be a sacred path of reclaiming our power. For anyone, but especially women! Plus, having the ability to speak out and be ourselves is so #liberating. #Freedom feels so good!
I am grateful for the healing I experience each day. I am grateful that I have the ability to exercise my voice (some still cannot). I am grateful I keep choosing to explore, discover, know, love, accept and own myself... my body, my past, my choices, my sensitivity, my vulnerability, my darkness, rawness and realness, my grittiness and all-aroundness. May we all feel free to be ourselves and feel connected to the natural, powerful rythms of life.
