Wounded Life - Depression and The Vulnerability of The Soul
We wish each other joy, ease and success in life. Unpleasant pages like sadness, loneliness and illness are welcome. Wounded life takes place behind closed doors. Wherever possible, nobody sees us.
For a long time I approached my goals full of energy and enthusiasm. With enthusiasm, perseverance, patience and willpower everything seemed attainable to me. That's a nice feeling. Breaking up to discover the world. Until I was suddenly torn from my dreams.
The big emptiness
A shadow came over my experience. The laughter, the joy became less. The sadness increased. At first I was astonished. The change came creeping and yet unstoppable. I felt a void in which everything seemed to sink. A black hole in which my joy of life sank.
I lead a rich life. Rich in meaning, rich in hobbies, rich in people, rich in tasks, rich in wealth. Nevertheless, this big void in me. Can this be? Is that allowed? Am I not grateful enough? What did I do wrong?
Being happy has become an ideal
The many guides make believe we just need to think right. Then we will be happy. Think positive! Move mountains with your will! In the omnipresent advertising, I am confronted with radiant people. Seminars promise, I just have to develop my potential to live happily.
Light does not mean that there is no more night, but that the night is brighter and can be overcome.
But is life really that simple? Are the unpleasant pages perhaps still part of it? Is life perhaps less predictable than hoped? Are there moments of powerlessness, phases in which we lose the desired control?
Wounded life
When I first fell on the ground, I felt how stale advice can work. When the strength subsides, the dreams dissolve, another time begins. When the body fails its obedience, the old strategies do not work anymore. Suddenly, many things become exhausting. Very exhausting.
Over time I learned to deal with difficult feelings like loneliness, fear and hopelessness. That does not mean that they have lost their terror for me. It means much more, they are familiar to me. I can meet them differently.
Much more seriously, I feel the powerlessness. To deal with the inner emptiness is already a challenge for me. Still to go on, always straighten myself up. Without energy, that becomes a farce itself. If simple daily routines exhaust me, the fear grows, someday not to be able to get up again.
The way inwards
Where does this void come from? What can I do to help me feel better? How long will the darkness last? The difficulty with depression is that there is often no satisfying answer. At least no fast. But how do I encounter something that has no relation? No beginning, no end?
I try to contact my inner emptiness. Perceive and feel what is without permanently to sink into the feelings. But also not evade. That's a narrow grade. What in me can not anymore? What is behind the void?
To expect me
It's important to show my environment, how I feel. To drop the mask, to expect others. This is not a simple exercise and costs overcoming. Feelings of shame, worthlessness, are spreading. to open up in this vulnerability, is unusual.
Contact involves the willingness to show me. Without contact with my environment, I would continue to unite. Yes, I am even dependent on it in difficult situations. As the inner duck increases, help takes on a different meaning.
Light can also enter through a wound
Further development also means leaving something behind. I can accept that it's not my way to get what I'm dreaming right now. Maybe the journey takes me to places I can not imagine today.
Wounded life makes being appear in a different light. My perception, my sensibility change. The emotional distress is the beginning of a journey inside. There it is necessary to let go of some ideas. To develop more compassion for yourself and others. To say goodbye to thoughts of control.
The discovery of slowness
What counts in life gets another meaning. The value shifts. Suddenly, the morning is not so important, because it is exhausting enough to live today. What carries me is the taking in of the next small step. I'm not looking for a big solution anymore. It is much more about the moment.
Life also involves experiencing suffering. It does not change the positive thinking, or the good mood gurus. The question is how can I meet the suffering? Not how to face the suffering, not any lump sums. Everyone stands with their experiences at a special, unique point in life. Therefore, each of us can only answer this question for ourselves. According to his abilities and possibilities.
To heal wounded life means to come back to me. This is sometimes not an easy way. But is there an alternative?