Hi guys,
Unfortunately I am lost in the woods and won’t be able to write a blog today.
I know, I know. It’s such a simple thing. Just your basic hike through the forest, and I went and royally fucked it all up. How is it possible for someone to fuck up a hike this bad? How did I manage to get this goddamn lost? Why am I such a bad hiker? I know you probably want to tell me exactly how I fucked up this hike and explain to me exactly how I can avoid fucking it up next time, but please don’t bother. I’ll get even more lost if you do that, guaranteed.
Maybe you want to know where I’m currently lost. Of course you do. Everyone does. Well, that much I can tell you. Here is the spot:
No, I don’t remember how I got here, but it feels like I’ve been out here for eons. Time kind of loses meaning when you get this fucking lost. Don’t ever go hiking with me! I’m bad at it!
So, I found a tree with some arrow signs on it out here. But they don't make any sense. They're just confusing to me:
What do those arrows mean? Which way am I supposed to go? Straight down? Slightly up and to the left? Some other invisible direction, maybe? Am I supposed to just spin one of the arrows and then go in whatever direction it points? Your guess is as good as mine. Better, probably. This is all so confusing. I should be able to figure this out but I can’t. I’m not just bad at hiking, I'm bad at signs, too! Don’t ever let me be the one responsible for figuring out signs, especially if we go hiking together!
Speaking of signs and me being bad at them, I also found another sign out here with some words on it. I can't seem to read the words, though:
What does that mean? Where am I? Why can’t I figure out all these signs? I must be an even worse hiker than I already thought. I’m a terrible hiker. I don’t know what to do and I’m confused. Please help. Don’t tell me what to do. I can get myself out of this mess. Help, I’m lost! No I’m not! I don’t need help. I’m going to figure out how to get out of these goddamn woods and then I’m going to go write a goddamn blog! Maybe!
I did it before, and I’ll do it again, I think.
Thanks?
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Hello from the high Rockies of Colorado. My name is Brandt, pleased to meet you. I’m a marketing copywriter. I'm a bad hiker. I'm a really bad hiker. I'm the world's worst hiker. I live in a little ghost town called Leadville. Well, that's where I used to live, at least. Right now it's looking like I might just be living permanently here in these woods because right now I'm way more lost than I've ever been in my entire life. Getting back to Leadville would basically take a miracle. But I don't believe in miracles, so I'm probably going to die out here. Not that I'm afraid of dying, I just don't really feel like doing it tonight. Or maybe I do? I don't know. Can someone help me get out of these goddamn woods? No, I don’t need any help. Someone please send help! Go away! Thanks! Thanks again!