Hi my friends actually Hello to my family as that is what you are to me. The last few have been quite unbearable when it comes to pain. I am starting to have some serious second thoughts about my ability to keep my fight going. What has been happening in front of my Love and my Babylooo is not fair to her.
Pain is just that, Pain! But the other side effects now are an embarrassment to ones self esteem and ability to feel like a man. It is my job to look after her, take care of her, hold her tight on the stormy scary nights. Not have seizures, crap my pants and look like an idiot. I have 7 broken teeth that the pain is brutal but cannot fix nor is worth fixing when I am dieing anyway. I decided a long time ago to fight the cancer my way after I found the traditional route made me more sick. Chemo was a disaster. It all is actually. I do not want to ever die in the hospital with strangers around like nurses and other patients. No hospital white sheet put over my head. I want to hold my girls hand on my last breath with just the two of us and I realize now that may be asking too much of her.
My energy is so low that I fell down and cracked my head and shoulder. I found out that my bicep has seperated from the shoulder. Cut my eye open, not bad but my Oscar winning face will need some attantion, just kidding.........Seriously though am I asking too much of her, do I actually go to the hopspital and give up to give her peace. I am now starting to think she will forget what I used to look like, be able to do, I at one point had a great business, money to burn not literally but we could splurge on a extra weekend getaway but not only is Cancer killing me it has destroyed her way of life. For the first time I see where she will say I had to put that back at the grocery store as we did not have enough money this month. I feel like such a loser some days. Embarrassed to see old friends. Did I waste her last few years on a shell of a man. If I was gone the life insurance gives her that life she had back. I know the pain she would have as I can tell you this as clear as day.
WE LOVE EACH OTHER MORE THAN THE AIR WE BREATH.
After these last months I know there is a bridge we cross when we die and life is still life, I will remember our love, our bond and wait for her to join me no matter the lemgth of time it takes for her to get to me. Last night was so bad My love had to sleep on the couch. What the hell am I doing? I am starting to think Brian just go and let her live.....Let her love eagain if she finds it........I am tired my friends, my family, my listeners to my venting.
I have become ashamed to be putting her through this. I am so physically and mentally exhausted that I cannot think right. I love you all and Thank you again from my heart for all the support and posts of yours that give me peace in reading........The music, The stories, The advantures, all of it I thank you for making my days better
Ravens Wings and Cancer.
The Wings I seek
The ravens wings spread when it leaves the nest
I fight this cancer and hope to be blessed
They say you find peace from wings of the dove
I don't want peace I want to continue to love
The wings of a eagle so huge provide steady flight
I pray I can remain steady and strong through this fight
Butterflies have wings to fly playfully free
And free from this monster is what I pray I will soon be
Under the wings of the angel we feel protected
Through prayers to God I can feel connected
I will go fight and win this battle I didn't start
On the wings of an angel and prayers from my heart
If I cannot win then please let me grow my wings
And fly so high and hope you all hear the words I sing
I am going to go for now and I wish you all health, peace, love and life..................
