Have you ever experienced a really GOOD apology? Either giving one or receiving one? It's kind of one of the best feelings in the world. To give one feels like total clarity. It feels like humility. It feels like love. And I guess that's what it feels like to receive one too. Receiving one feels like relief. It feels like connection. And admiration.
I'm talking about a GOOD apology. One in which the apologizer sees you and gets you and understands how you feel. And they acknowledge that things will be different from now on. And that feels exhilarating and full of hope.
Apologies build trust. They're a bridge between two people.
In a business dealing, they create a human bond. A good apology and/or a good receiving of an apology makes you a human, a comrade, a friend.
Example of a good apology:
I'm sorry that what you received was different from what I put in the description. I was negligent, and I just copied and pasted from Amazon's description without fully reading it. I'm sorry that you had to spend your time on this, and I'm sorry that I was negligent. Luckily this is a pretty easy fix.
Example of an apology that's not an apology:
I'm sorry that you're unhappy with the item. But you can easily find the cord that you need anywhere. I didn't know that the cord was included.
In the first example I took full responsibility for my own negligence and how that effected my customer.
The second example is the most common type of "apology." And it's not an apology at all, actually. It includes the words I'm sorry," but the person hasn't taken any time for self reflection. They haven't thought about what they could have done better and what the other person is experiencing. They're just in a state of lack and suffering and are trying to get their own needs met.
Here's another example of a non-apology:
I'm sorry that you're upset, but you really hurt me when you told me you can't go to the movies with me after I've been planning on this all week.
I think the reason people give these non-apologies is because they feel so badly about themselves in general that their lives are spent justifying that they're ok and they're not demented. All of us are always growing, and we can just keep seeing what we can do better. When we can see clearly what we've done and detach ourselves from our actions, then we can really grow.
The above example with the customer is from my own life. It was quite a profound example of the transformative power of an apology and our power to turn a negative situation into one of understanding and working together and even creating a bond between people.
My customer was short with me in his email and was annoyed, and I presumed he would try to squeeze my small mistake that was easy to fix for more money than it was worth. I investigated what he said I did wrong, and indeed, I said the item I was selling had something that it didn't. So I apologized for every thing I did that I could have done better, an I acknowledged how that inconvenienced him and effected him.
His next email was completely different. I had taken all the pressure off of him, and all he said was "Thank you for the apology. I think I have a cord I can use. Have a great day."
I also had a profound experience with my husband involving an apology. I woke up one morning and I said to him that I hadn't really seen him in what he was experiencing and that it feels like shit when someone doesn't get you. And a person especially needs to feel "got" by their life partner. I watched his face as he received this unexpected apology that he wasn't conscious that he needed. And afterward it brought so much clarity to our relationship. I felt that he had a new level of respect for me. And now he is very conscious that he tries to "get" me.
An apology is not a manipulation. It's not something you can use to get something you want. It's about growing as a person and being detached from your actions knowing that you can always change and be better. It's a bridge between two worlds. It's a healer and a transformer.
It's not about groveling. It's not about looking pathetic and feeling shame.
It's actually about pride in what you do and a desire to always be your best. It's respect for other people.
People don't look down on you when you give a good apology. They don't think, "Oh yeah, you really are a shitty person. Only a truly cruel person could do what you did." They feel relief. And clarity. And they respect you. You're building trust.
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