How many of us can say that after a breakup it’s often felt like the end of a world? Most likely all of us, whether in our adolescence, teens, or well into adulthood. Then at some point you realize how silly you were to feel that way in the first place. But what about at the end of an abusive relationship? I will go ahead and save you the brainwork, by simply stating that it feels much worse than the end of the world. And most of all, how do you keep a positive mindset after something like that? Well, please read on…
Yes, I’ve been there, and while most people will see it as a wonderful ending to a bad situation, simply because of the fact that the abuse may be out of your life, many fail to realize that it was a failed relationship. Many don’t understand the complications, and you have to deal with their judgements and unwarranted advice, among other irritations. Ultimately, though, all anyone typically wants for a person they’ve learned is in an abusive relationship, is for them to find happiness and let go of the pain. They don’t realize though that ominous and dark cloud lingers overhead, love may very well still exist in your relationship. In fact, most—if not all qualities of the typical, or ideal relationship are present, yet abuse can overshadow everything that matters and lead people to jump to a solution that seems to be a given: get out of it. It’s usually much more complicated than that.
I’d like to represent those of us who’ve endured an abusive relationship, and gone through both, the bad, and most importantly the good. I think it’s important that after an abusive relationship, we find our light—our positivity—and remember how to be happy. Below you’ll find not only how to become and remain optimistic, but the road to said optimism, whether you’re currently in an abusive relationship, or just getting out of one.
Misconceptions and Understanding
What makes up a regular relationship? Let’s see: Friendship, happiness, love, respect, trust, fun… And what else? Arguments, disagreements, dissatisfaction, irritation, pain and heartbreak. Now, what makes up an abusive relationship? All of the same things. The only difference is the abuse. Many of us like to recognize only the positive attributes when we think of being in love, but you can’t truly be happy with something if you’re only acknowledging half of it. Just like life as a whole, we have to appreciate the ups and the downs for where they take us, and how they help us grow.
I’m nowhere close to saying that it’s okay to go through relationship abuse, but what I am saying is that just like the typical relationship, us victims find it easier to accept all of it, and simply want to make it better. Often times it’s extremely difficult to arrive to the realization that there is no fixing the situation, and this leads to one getting stuck. Whether verbal, mental, or physical, we only did what regular old Susan would do in her seemingly perfect relationship, which is try to make it work. No one wants to throw away a relationship, thanks to the memories, the time put in, and just because getting to know someone can be a huge investment in itself.
I can’t count the number of times people told me I needed to get out of my relationship, but the most frustrating thing about it was getting them to understand. It’s not as easy as, “You hit me, so I’m leaving.”, even though it may seem like it really should be! Many men and women in abusive relationships (, both, abuser and abused,) view the first occurrence as a mistake, thinking it won’t happen again, or that they or their partner just needs patience or help. It’s often much more complicated.
You have to know and believe in your heart—as well as mind (, which means to think with your brain!), when it’s time to let go for yourself. Accept when you’ve given enough, or more than enough, but know when enough is enough. Then, look out for yourself for a change. Look out for your happiness. Look out for your health. Look out for your well-being. And what should never cross your mind, is believing that you deserve whatever abuse you go through. No one deserves abuse, no matter what they’ve done.
Arriving to Your Happy Place
Happiness in no stranger to any of us. Sure, it may have been a long time since you truly felt joy, but we never really forget how to get back to this once familiar place. (And I’m not talking about physical locations.) While I may live in Calgary, I’m certain this place is not necessarily any more fun than visiting Hollywood or Tokyo. It simply depends on you. No matter where you are physically, you can find your happy place. This is because where happiness truly resides, will always be within yourself. I found my happiness by realizing that my relationship did much more than hurt me. It helped me evolve into a woman who possesses resounding strength. My failed relationship taught me what not to accept, tolerate, and most importantly, that my abusive relationship could have sent me into a downward spiral. From substance abuse, to risky sexual behavior, or even worse, further toleration of abuse and suicide, it’s imperative to not fall into a cycle or pattern, and truly welcome the changes which are present after a failed relationship.
By acknowledging changes, welcoming them, and working with them, you have nowhere to go but upward and forward! That last thing you need is to fall back into a hole, or turn back for something that is consuming itself and anything that falls into its trap. Your newfound strength will propel you in more than one aspect of life. I’ve become more assertive at work, and just in general. I have a sense of control that I have always had, but suppressed for my boyfriend in order to keep him happy.
Perhaps many abusive relationships end poorly, but even my friends wonder how I’m in the place that I’m in. I simply say to them, “Caitlin is in charge of Caitlin’s life.” When you know this, you refuse to allow anyone or anything to have power over you.
Keeping the Place Happy
Of course, we have ups and downs, and it wouldn’t be life without this rollercoaster, but that doesn’t mean you always have to stay up or down. What it means is that though you may be in a great place, or a bad place, you can be grateful and appreciative for what you have now, because it will only get better. No matter if you’re at the highest of highs, or the lowest of lows, as long as you’re putting forth effort and not waiting for something miraculous to happen, you will always run into your happiness again and can expect it to get even better.
In the case that some remnants of that old dark cloud begin to try to move back into your life, it’s up to you to know what to do. Only you, and whoever you’ve told know about the struggle you went through. You always know what you should do for yourself and what is best. It’s human nature, and it’s only part of our survival. However, rejecting or following that instinctual behavior will have consequences no matter what you do. It’s simply a matter of how you handle it. Will you blow those clouds away, and keep your sunshine, or will you jeopardize your paradise to brave an indefinite and unpredictable storm?
I only hope that my experience, and my words can help someone out there who may be experiencing the effects of an abusive relationship. If it’s a secret and you’ve told no one, realize just how much strength you have just by keeping it to yourself. It’s not a sign of weakness, but deep down you know you are capable of handling this on your own. You’ve already dealt with so much, and most notably, you know what you need to do! So, why are you holding yourself back?
When we are caged, we stop growing, allowing ourselves to go through pains and pressures that we don’t have to. It is always up to us whether or not we will allow ourselves to conform and give up our power. You don’t have to be barred from the things you truly deserve in life, such as real love, joy, friendship, and respect. If you’re not giving these valuable items to yourself, how can you expect someone else to?
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