It’s been a while since I’ve written anything gut-wrenching and raw. This is what I was doing when I first started hitting my stride here on Steemit. Anyone who read those posts from a few weeks ago (which I might re-post at some point) was probably torn between thinking I’m brave and a coward. Truth is, I’m probably both; brave because I spoke from my heart and a coward because my actions have been less than honorable. Everyone can be all sorts of hypocrisies, simultaneously, and still not necessarily be a hypocrite.

If you are wondering what happened to that Hive account@cali-girl, well, she is still here. She has been in hiding, quietly reflecting. She has been deeply embarrassed, traumatized by some invisible event that she created all by herself. Her energy was drained by two early posts that put her vulnerabilities on display.

It has taken me some time to recover from what I shared with the world. It felt like I was exposing the most intimate parts of myself in front of an auditorium full of thousands of strangers. Of course, I realize very few people actually read what I wrote and even fewer people gave my words a second thought. We pay so much more attention to ourselves than others do.

Then I read Hive account@snowmachine’s post today. She helped to reawaken me and find my voice again. She reminded me that I want to write things I’m terrified to publish. This, I think, is the true desire of any writer who strives to be great. When you reluctantly publish a piece that you spent an hour or more writing, I believe that is an indicator you are releasing something divine into the world. When the words flow from your head onto your keyboard, I believe this is an indicator that it is your duty to publish those words.

Anything true and straight from the heart is never embarrassing.

Being vulnerable is my path to happiness.

Are we all just here to get upvotes and look for posts to curate so we can get rewards? I’m not. I’m here to heal myself through my writing. I’m here to share epiphanies that might make others’ lives richer in a spiritual and communal sort of way. I’m here for myself just as much as I’m here for others.

You can expect better from me. Being terrified to publish what is going on in my head is my greatest honor.